I am a woman born 1949 and my quest is to find a mindmate
to grow old together as a mutually devoted couple
in a relationship based upon the
egalitarian rational commitment paradigm
bonded by intrinsic commitment
as each other's safe haven and secure basis.

The purpose of this blog is to enable the right man
to recognize us as reciprocal mindmates and
to encourage him to contact me:

The entries directly concerning,
who could be my mindmate,
are mainly at the beginning.
If this is your predominant interest,
I suggest to read this blog in the same order
as it was written, following the numbers.

I am German, therefore my English is sometimes faulty.

Maybe you have stumbled upon this blog not as a potential match.
Please wait a short moment before zapping.

Do you know anybody, who could be my mindmate?
Your neighbour, brother, uncle, cousin, colleague, friend?
If so, please tell him to look at this blog.
While you have no reason to do this for me,
a stranger, maybe you can make someone happy, for whom you care.

Do you have your own webpage or blog,
which someone like my mindmate to be found probably reads?
If so, please mention my quest and add a link to this blog.

Friday, November 29, 2013

694. Germany - A Country Especially Prone To Subtle Desensitization?

694.  Germany - A Country Especially Prone To Subtle Desensitization? 

Growing up in the aftermath of the Nazi Terror over Germany, I was bewildered and appalled about the ubiquity of how the majority of the generation before me had at least approved, condoned or tolerated if not actively taken part in atrocious crimes and misdemeanors.   I felt not comfortable living in such a country.  The majority were very desensitized people, who easily reintegrated and welcomed back even those with a lot of blood on their hands.  
Since then, other generations have grown into adulthood, who no more were themselves directly implicated in the destruction and exploitation of those considered as outgroup inside the country.   But the desensitization towards the suffering and plight of those abused and exploited, because they are in a weak, defenseless and vulnerable position, has not ceased.   

Today Germany pretends to be a modern, democratic and humane country.  Therefore nobody could ever outrightly justify atrocities, abuse and degradation of humans, and recognize such treatment as what it really is.   But the desensitized Germans found a different method:  They deny the atrocious character of their treatment and declare it to be normal behavior.    The legal approach to prostitution is an excellent example:

This article explains how the paid abuse of self-abusing women is misrepresented as a normal job, and this not only in the eyes of the self-interest of the abusive customers.  Even worse, since more than ten years it is a law which was favored and implemented also by many female politicians.   
Lately a wise and responsible suggestion was made to change this outrageous law.   As in Sweden, prostitution should be made illegal, but only the abusers should be punished.   This would imply the needed legal recognition of the dignity of women.    

I am shocked and outraged by the general tendency of the ongoing debate concerning this suggestion.   A lot of the German population, including too many women, oppose it.   They have been so completely desensitized, that they consider paid abuse as normal and acceptable behavior.   This attitude makes Germany an uncomfortable place for women.    

Thursday, November 21, 2013

693. Research: Abuse Is Not Only Unhealthy For The Victim But Also For The Abuser

693.  Research: Abuse Is Not Only Unhealthy For The Victim But Also For The Abuser
"...  casual sexual relationship. These were defined as any relationship in which the participant reported he or she was “only having sex with partner” as opposed to dating."
I consider casual sex as a form of abuse, but the motives and reasons differ very much between the genders.  Both copulate with another entity, which they do not value as a person to be committed and attached to.  They use each other for completely selfish and exploitive reasons and ulterior goals.  

Men practice this form of abuse to restore homeostasis for their instinctive physiological urges.   They use the women as objects.   Using women's bodies is in itself their goal.     
Women participate in this form of self-abuse for the purpose of obtaining material or other non-sexual benefits.   The agreement to be abused is a method. The men are insignificant instruments for goals, in which the men themselves are not needed.  

According to the study, this abuse is unhealthy for both genders:     
"Researchers found that teens who showed depressive symptoms were more likely than others to engage in casual sex as young adults. In addition, those who engaged in casual sex were more likely to later seriously consider suicide."

“There’s always been a question about which one is the cause and which is the effect. This study provides evidence that poor mental health can lead to casual sex, but also that casual sex leads to additional declines in mental health.”

One surprising finding was that the link between casual sex and mental health was the same for both men and women.

“That was unexpected because there is still this sexual double standard in society that says it is OK for men to have casual sexual relationships, but it is not OK for women,” Kamp Dush said.

“But these results suggest that poor mental health and casual sex are linked, whether you’re a man or a woman.”

Adolescents from 80 high schools and 52 middle schools were interviewed when they were in grades 7 through 12 and then again when they were aged 18 to 26.

In all, this study involved about 10,000 people who were surveyed about their romantic relationship experiences across time, as well as depressive symptoms and thoughts of suicide.

Overall, 29 percent of the respondents reported engaging in any casual sexual relationship. These were defined as any relationship in which the participant reported he or she was “only having sex with partner” as opposed to dating. This included 33 percent of men and 24 percent of women.

The results do point to a possible “cyclical pattern” in which poor mental health leads to casual sex, which leads to further declines in mental health, Sandberg-Thoma said.

“The goal should be to identify adolescents struggling with poor mental health so that we can intervene early before they engage in casual sexual relationships,” she said.

Kamp Dush said casual sexual relationships may hurt the ability of young adults to develop committed relationships at an important time in their development.

“Young adulthood is a time when people begin to learn how to develop long-term, satisfying and intimate relationships,” she said.

Tuesday, November 5, 2013

692. The Difference Between Abusers And Nice Guys Explained By The Dual-Process-Theory

692.  The Difference Between Abusers And Nice Guys Explained By The Dual-Process-Theory

In entry 691 I presented the dual process theory:

Speculating that the predominance of one of the two systems is distributed along a bell curve can help to explain the difference between abusers and nice guys. 

By the criteria of their behavior, men can be roughly classified into three groups:   The abusers, the nice guys and those oscillating between abuse and attachment depending on circumstances.  

These three groups represent the two extremes and the middle area of the bell curve between the predominance of either system 1 or system 2.   The two extremes are clearly defined by an innate strong tendency, while the cut off between the groups and the behavior in the middle is fuzzy and depends upon external influences. 

System 1 can explain how instinctive physical urges towards a female body lead to the attitude of objectification.  

A predominant system 1 determines men to be abusers.  They do not comprehend the meaning of commitment and/or they are unable to get emotionally attached to a woman and/or they are disabled from recognizing the value of women's brains.   They commodify women as toilets for their body waste without even considering any alternative.  
Men with a strong predominance of system 1 are most probably men with a high libido, which causes them to perceive dishomeostasis as an overwhelming discomfort and to be strongly triggered by the perception of female bodies.   They also probably have a hedonistic pleasure center getting mainly stimulated by physical stimuli.

System 1 thinking causes men to confound every coincidence of their experienced dishomeostasis and the availability of female bodies as an automatic justification and entitlement to abuse women, perceiving them as existing for the purpose of being abused.  
Men, whose thinking is determined by system 1, are not any better than animals, they are unable to anticipate or to have empathy for the consequences of ruthless copulation. 

System 2 can explain the emotional and intellectual need for companionship leading to the attitude, that women are cognitively attractive and suitable for monogamous long-term attachment.  

A predominant system 2 determines men to be nice guys.   They automatically get emotionally attached to a woman, whenever they get physically involved.   They have an own genuine emotional need for commitment and bonding.  They have rational and intellectual needs for companionship with a woman.   Whatever the strength of their libido may be, their rationality enables them to have sufficient self-control to keep away from women's body unless they choose a companion.    They are Epicureans, who are mainly attracted to, motivated and stimulated by emotional and intellectual pleasures and joys.

System 2 enables men to act with responsibility and consideration and to appreciate attachment also for themselves.  They comprehend the impact of their behavior upon women.   
Men, whose thinking is determined by system 2 are able to recognize women as their human equals with a brain.  Only these men deserve to be called human.

According to the dual-process-theory, system 1 and system 2 coexist in each human's mind. 

I am not implying all abusers to be completely void of the system 2 nor all attachment formers to be completely free from the system 1.   Many men have both tendencies in any combination of strength in themselves.   Which one defines their attitude and their behavior depends upon circumstances and external influences.    Some abusers do feel doubt, guilt or remorse or they recognize abuse as a transgression, at least when the own sister is the victim.  Attachment formers can also be tempted by triggered instincts due to the exposure to drastic stimuli.  

Men in the middle of the bell curve are thus under contradictory internal tendencies towards a choice, which is dichotomous between either abuse or attachment.  Abuse and attachment are mutually exclusive by definition.   While at any moment, only one can be chosen, some men choose abusive behavior only under some specific circumstances and refrain from it at other occasions.    They are the men, whose choice is prone to be determined or impacted by external influences.
While many more traditional societies force violent abuse and injustice upon women, the modern western societies are very much biased towards subtle and non-violent forms of abuse.   Such abuse is the social norm of the majority, who considers pornography as an everyday media intake and prostitution as a job like any other, and who is seriously desensitized by the drastic oversexation of every day life and the media.    Only a very strong innate tendency towards system 2 enables a minority of the most precious men to be the nice guys void of the inclination towards abuse.

The effect of this detrimental social norm can sometimes be observed as a discrepancy of the predominances in the same man.   There are men, who appear to be predominantly system 2 persons in their professional life, in the pursuit of their hobbies and even with their families and friends.   Whenever it gets known, that such a man has cheated on his wife or has been to a brothel, it seems very incongruent with his other demeanor.   Due to external influences, the control of system 1 over such men is restricted to only when women are the victims.   So far I have never heard of any reversed case, of a man behaving generally by system 1 but applying system 2 to women. 

Thus, at the extreme end of the bell curve, the abusers are persistent and permanent abusers, while the social norm reinforces the men in the middle of the bell curve to also be abusers, but they are intermittent abusers.  They cause less harm but they are nevertheless a hazard to those women who happen to become victims.     

Therefore, unfortunately, there are many more abusers than nice guys.   

691. Applying The Dual-Process-Theory To My World View

691.  Applying The Dual-Process-Theory To My World View

This blog is subjective and biased, because my goal is not to change the world but to find a mindmate.  The purpose of my writing is to attract him by enabling him to recognize me also as his mindmate. 

Of course I prefer my world view to be congruent with scientific evidence, but when I am ignorant of such, I sometimes do speculate while continuing my search for more information.  

I recently got aware of the dual-process-theory:

In this article, Kahnemann's description of these systems is quoted:

System 1 System 2
Unconscious reasoning Conscious reasoning
Judgments based on intuition Judgments based on critical examination
Processes information quickly Processes information slowly
Hypothetical reasoning Logical reasoning
Large capacity Small capacity
Prominent in animals and humans Prominent only in humans
Unrelated to working memory Related to working memory
Operates effortlessly and automatically Operates with effort and control
Unintentional thinking Intentional thinking
Influenced by experiences, emotions, and memories Influenced by facts, logic, and evidence
Can be overridden by System 2 Used when System 1 fails to form a logical/acceptable conclusion
Prominent since human origins Developed over time
Includes recognition, perception, orientation, etc. Includes rule following, comparisons, weighing of options, etc.

In entry 422, I speculated about the bell curve of what drives and determines human behavior:

"At one end, there is the hedonist brain, which has a high urge to restore homeostasis as a consequence of instinctive needs, and which also gets the strongest stimulation to its pleasure center from physical stimuli.    At the other end is the Epicurean brain, which is guided predominantly by rationality and less by instinctive need for homeostasis, and which is most sensitive and responsive to emotional and intellectual stimulation of the pleasure center.    The brains of the majority of people are more balanced in the middle between the two extremes."

By including the aspect of differing thought processes, I am refining my bell curve speculation to this new version:

I speculate, that there is a bell curve of how people's behavior is determined by either a predominance of system 1 or system 2.   On one extreme people nearly or always think and behave by system 1, on the other extreme by system 2.  

This topic will be continued by looking at how men's attitude to and treatment of women differ depending on the predominance of one of the two systems.