I am a woman born 1949 and my quest is to find a mindmate
to grow old together as a mutually devoted couple
in a relationship based upon the
egalitarian rational commitment paradigm
bonded by intrinsic commitment
as each other's safe haven and secure basis.

The purpose of this blog is to enable the right man
to recognize us as reciprocal mindmates and
to encourage him to contact me:

The entries directly concerning,
who could be my mindmate,
are mainly at the beginning.
If this is your predominant interest,
I suggest to read this blog in the same order
as it was written, following the numbers.

I am German, therefore my English is sometimes faulty.

Maybe you have stumbled upon this blog not as a potential match.
Please wait a short moment before zapping.

Do you know anybody, who could be my mindmate?
Your neighbour, brother, uncle, cousin, colleague, friend?
If so, please tell him to look at this blog.
While you have no reason to do this for me,
a stranger, maybe you can make someone happy, for whom you care.

Do you have your own webpage or blog,
which someone like my mindmate to be found probably reads?
If so, please mention my quest and add a link to this blog.

Sunday, November 28, 2010

165. My Need to be Convinced

My Need to be Convinced

Rationality is a core of my personality and of my identity.   Acting logically and rationally is also a part of my value system, doing so adds to my self-esteem.    Whenever I catch myself as acting or thinking irrationally, this makes me feel bad about myself.   Irrationality causes me cognitive dissonance, that is unpleasant and as a consequence I have to restore rationality to feel better.   

When someone honors me by discussing things rationally and logically, I feel valued, esteemed and appreciated.   Convincing me by giving evidence and never making claims and demands without convincing me is the respect that I feel I deserve.    This of course requires the trust, that unprovable statements about introspection and feelings are honest.   

To feel at ease, relaxed and content in a relationship, I have the same need to avoid the cognitive dissonance of irrationality in the shared decisions and in everything, that I participate in or that I allow to happen to me, as I have in my own decisions while I am alone.  

This means, that my mindmate is someone, who
  1. shares all basic values with me
  2. always convinces me, when he wants or suggests something
  3. is willing and motivated to discuss every issue until there is a solution convincing to both and to give that discussion priority 

Otherwise, the consequences are very detrimental.
1.  What happens, when a couple does not share values, is already explained in entry 164.
2.  When someone makes a demand and forces or coerces it on me or uses the power of the situation to do what he wants, while I am not convinced, that the demand is rationally acceptable, or while I consider the demand as irrational, this has serious and dire consequences on me:
2.1.  I suffer the cognitive dissonance of participating in something, that I cannot rationally agree with.
2.2.  I feel depreciated, degraded and disrespected, because I am not honored with the effort of rationally convincing me.   I am not treated as a rational partner but as a subordinate and inferior.    
2.3.  If I consider the demand as irrational, I loose respect for the other.   I need to maintain my respect and appreciation for him as a rational person.   By not bothering to convince me of his being rational, the other forfeits my respect and appreciation.    I feel bad, if I have to admit to be involved with someone, whom I cannot respect as my equal, because he does not suffice according to my own standards of rationality.    It is therefore important, that he convinces me, that what may appear irrational to me without explanation, is rational. 
3.  When I suffer from cognitive dissonance, from being disrespected and from loosing respect for someone, whom I want to respect, this upsets, unrests, stresses and disturbs me so much, that I need to solve those issues as soon as possible.   The longer they are not solved, the more I feel an urge to do so.  
There are people, probably those with hedonistic leanings, who can distract themselves from anything by doing, what they consider as fun, no matter if it is visiting a museum, seeing a movie or having a good dinner.   With me it is the other way around.    Pending unsolved issues that hurt, like cognitive dissonance or being disrespected, a transgression, that I need to forgive if only the other would feel guilty, all such things impede me to enjoy things, that otherwise would be fun.   

Therefore, for me, convincing each other by constructive communication is a vital part of preserving a relationship and my mindmate can only be someone, who participates actively and willingly in solving all issues and conflicts as soon as possible.