I am a woman born 1949 and my quest is to find a mindmate
to grow old together as a mutually devoted couple
in a relationship based upon the
egalitarian rational commitment paradigm
bonded by intrinsic commitment
as each other's safe haven and secure basis.

The purpose of this blog is to enable the right man
to recognize us as reciprocal mindmates and
to encourage him to contact me:

The entries directly concerning,
who could be my mindmate,
are mainly at the beginning.
If this is your predominant interest,
I suggest to read this blog in the same order
as it was written, following the numbers.

I am German, therefore my English is sometimes faulty.

Maybe you have stumbled upon this blog not as a potential match.
Please wait a short moment before zapping.

Do you know anybody, who could be my mindmate?
Your neighbour, brother, uncle, cousin, colleague, friend?
If so, please tell him to look at this blog.
While you have no reason to do this for me,
a stranger, maybe you can make someone happy, for whom you care.

Do you have your own webpage or blog,
which someone like my mindmate to be found probably reads?
If so, please mention my quest and add a link to this blog.

Friday, November 26, 2010

162. The Price of a Relationship

The Price of a Relationship

A healthy, happy committed relationship is based upon a fair balance of giving and taking, seen on a long term basis.    When one partner subjectively feels exploited, used, taken for granted, contributions and efforts not appreciated, then something is very wrong.   

It is a delusion, that a relationship adds benefits to life without any cost.    There are three different prices to pay for a relationship.

1.  The price to have a relationship.
1.1.  The general price to have a relationship.   That means to accept all obligations of commitment, like sharing decisions, limiting the contact with the other gender and more, in short giving up the freedom of being and acting as a single.   
1.2.  There is the price to have a relationship considering the external circumstances of a specific person.   The couple agrees on the framework and definition of their future relationship, for example where to live and how to use the joint resources.   The disadvantages of the agreement are the price to pay.
2.  The third price is to earn and kindle the love of a specific person.   

There is a very significant logical distinction between the price to pay for having a relationship, and the price to pay for the benefits of living with a individual person.   

It is of paramount importance, that when the couple gets involved, they start on a basis of feeling both even.   From the moment of starting physical intimacy on, they need to start to care for each other, giving and appreciating what they get, without holding the price of having entered commitment against each other.    If one believes to have made onesided sacrifices by entering the relationship, and if he expects a payback for them, the relationship is doomed.    There is no equality, if one thinks that the other owes him something just for having accepted to have a relationship.  

The price accepted as appropriate to have a relationship is a personal decision, based upon the need for a relationship.    It needs to be a take it or leave it decision.   When the decision is to enter the relationship, then being bound by all obligations and agreements automatically becomes a duty to the other.    The other has no moral debts of gratitude or reward for someone accepting obligations and agreement as a duty.    If someone does not value the relationship enough to be worth honoring all obligations and agreements, then the only correct consequence is not to get involved.

That means that before getting physically involved, a person has to make a very clear evaluation:  Does this relationship supply enough benefits and advantages, that are worth to pay the price of accepting all obligations and agreements as a duty, that cannot be changed, once the physical intimacy has started?    As long as there is not a very clear positive answer, physical intimacy needs to be postponed.    

While of course accepting obligations and agreements as the condition for entering commitment are mutual, unfortunately men are driven by their instincts to want the use of a woman's body without first checking the emotional and intellectual justification.  But for a woman like me, her dignity is at stake, when a man uses her body without commitment.  

Therefore a decent, mature man does not enter physical intimacy, unless he is very sure, that he accepts all obligations and agreements as binding duty.   

A jerk lures the woman into bed as soon as she makes the mistake of assuming, that he is ready to get committed the same as she does.   But he does not feel any obligations towards her at all.   He starts to calculate in a very imbalanced way.   He is oblivious of the fact, that by getting committed, she has accepted as many obligations and agreements as she assumes wrongly that he has also accepted.  
Subjectively, he perceives that she has paid no price at all.  A jerk has no clue, that she has entrusted her dignity to him.  Also subjectively, he does not consider that he himself has to pay a price for the benefits of having a relationship.   Instead, he attributes every price to pay for the relationship as a price, for which she owes him some value in return.   

As a jerk and a hedonist, he does not think in a long term balance nor is he willing to give and see, what he gets back.   All he wants is getting all his needs, whims and desires fulfilled  immediately.   Since he feels entitled to get a return for the price paid for the relationship, he makes demands, he intimidates and coerces the woman to get what he wants.  
In reality, he pays as little of the price to have a relationship, as he cannot avoid, but he attempts of get the double return for what he pays.   He gets the general benefits of having a relationship plus the benefits, that he coerces out of the woman.   

When the woman resists, when she struggles to restore her dignity by attempting to get his acceptance of the duty of commitment, she suffers, the jerk gets angry and frustrated, and the relationship is doomed.