I am a woman born 1949 and my quest is to find a mindmate
to grow old together as a mutually devoted couple
in a relationship based upon the
egalitarian rational commitment paradigm
bonded by intrinsic commitment
as each other's safe haven and secure basis.

The purpose of this blog is to enable the right man
to recognize us as reciprocal mindmates and
to encourage him to contact me:

The entries directly concerning,
who could be my mindmate,
are mainly at the beginning.
If this is your predominant interest,
I suggest to read this blog in the same order
as it was written, following the numbers.

I am German, therefore my English is sometimes faulty.

Maybe you have stumbled upon this blog not as a potential match.
Please wait a short moment before zapping.

Do you know anybody, who could be my mindmate?
Your neighbour, brother, uncle, cousin, colleague, friend?
If so, please tell him to look at this blog.
While you have no reason to do this for me,
a stranger, maybe you can make someone happy, for whom you care.

Do you have your own webpage or blog,
which someone like my mindmate to be found probably reads?
If so, please mention my quest and add a link to this blog.

Saturday, July 10, 2010

20. Constructive Communication

Constructive Communication

Constructive communication is a core part of the ERCP.    To feel emotionally save and bonded in harmony requires the absence of distortions by unresolved conflicts.    The motivation to resolve conflicts by communicating is an expression of the appreciation of the partner as important and equal.   

1.  Harmony is so important, that communicating about all conflicts needs to be continued, until it is resolved, no matter, how long it takes, hours, even days, when the problem is complicated.  Both partners need to talk about everything, that has an impact upon each other, and the best procedure is to do this also as a prevention of conflicts.    Solving a conflict also requires to generalize the solution to a kind of policy guiding both to prevent similar conflicts.   I feel very uncomfortable with pending conflicts.

2.  Both partners need to make sure, that both mutually know exactly all, what the other knows and thinks, in as much as it has anything to do with the topic of the conflict.    This is the most important part of the process.    All attempts to suggest a solution are futile, until there is a shared basis of information.    Using logic together upon the same premises can lead to a satisfying shared conclusion.   Using logic upon distinct premises causes many conflicts.   

3.  This means to ask questions, to listen and to proffer all information, that has not been asked for.   
Jumping to conclusions must be avoided.   Assumptions are suggestions, that need to be verified or discarded.   Statements need to be blunt, direct, explicit to avoid misunderstandings by subtleties and hints.   Verbal communication is fair, while provoking and probing the reactions of the other as a lab rat is not acceptable.  

4.  Honesty without hiding anything is essential, to always say, what one means, and to mean, what one says, and to trust the same from the other.  
External facts should be offered with evidence, but all statements about personal introspection, emotions, perceptions, experiences, needs should be taken for serious and as subjective reality without doubting.   

5.  To be right or wrong is of no importance.   A conflict needs a solution, which convinces both as being the best.    Communicating serves not the purpose of contradicting the other but to understand, what the other can contribute to a convincing progress. 

6.  It is important to be aware of the modules of the communication.   If one person needs ten sentences to explain a thought, then it is destructive, if the other discards or tries to prove wrong single sentences instead of attempting to comprehend the entire thought before reacting.

7.  Conflicts need to be analysed on two levels, the direct practical level and the abstract meta level of how the values and attitudes causing the conflicting behavior have an impact upon the bond and viability of the relationship.    Many apparently trivial incidents can have a very significant meaning of ethical disappointment as breaking trust or indicating depreciation.    Profound harmony requires to solve the meta level of conflicts sometimes more then the superficial issue.   

I am looking for a partner, who agrees to strife for harmony based on such a concept of communication.