The Relationship Deal
A relationship is viable, when it is a balance of giving and taking. Before entering a relationship, it is important to make a deal, in which both partners explicitly declare their needs and their willingness and ability to fulfill the needs of the other. The fair balance of giving and receiving requires full knowledge of the real needs of the other.
This is - in a short sentence - the deal, which I am offering:
I offer sexual homeostasis for a man, if and only if he gives me mutual intrinsic commitment and an emotionally safe haven in return.
Extrinsic commitment is not enough for me. I described the difference in entry 98.
All other needs and what else will be included in the relationship governance, is a question of communication.
As I have already explained in several blog entries, I am fully aware, that men are more or less afflicted with an instinctive urge for sexual homeostasis. Therefore even intellectual, educated and decent men can get dysfunctional and distracted, when they cannot restore homeostasis. A committed monogamous relationship is for such men a method to get homeostasis without abusing women.
As a woman with dignity, I do not want to be abused as a tool for a man's homeostasis, if he does not also respect and appreciate me as a person, a partner, the other half of a a unit. But I am nevertheless fully aware, that entering a relationship means to accept fulfilling the needs of the partner, including his biological instinctive needs for homeostasis.
Therefore my solution is to consider physical intimacy and intrinsic commitment as two inseparable sides of one coin. I accept either both or none and I expect a man also to accept or reject either both or none.
Intrinsic commitment, a safe haven and the feeling of belonging together as a bonded devoted couple are my most important need from a relationship. If I cannot get that, any relationship is worse than worthless. Without a man's full commitment, I perceive any relationship as abuse. If a man does not commit emotionally, but pampers a woman materially instead, this also is abuse.
Bonding and intrinsic commitment consist of several cognitive aspects. Only when they all are present, then they lead to the feeling of belonging together.
That feeling of belonging together is a feeling of bliss and of elation beyond my ability to describe it in words. Who has ever felt it, knows what I mean. Who in my age group does not know that feeling is most probably bonding-disabled and a high risk of being someone who would hurt and abuse me.
This feeling of belonging together is for me the purpose of having a relationship. It is a very delicate and fragile feeling. It is a subjective relationship quality meter. The absence of it is an indication, that something is wrong and needs to be improved and repaired. This implies as a consequence of accepting commitment as a part of the relationship deal also the unavoidability of the willingness to communicate about everything.
That feeling requires:
1. The identity as half a couple.
That means, that my future partner experiences everything in life from the perspective of being part of a unit, of an ingroup consisting of two partners. He does not perceive himself as a single man with me as an addition. Sharing decisions, sharing resources, communicating about everything, even his innermost feelings, is for him not even a deliberate decision, but an automatic and spontaneous reaction. Whatever he does, he automatically considers the impact upon me before acting. Of course, I do the same for him.
A relationship is viable, when it is a balance of giving and taking. Before entering a relationship, it is important to make a deal, in which both partners explicitly declare their needs and their willingness and ability to fulfill the needs of the other. The fair balance of giving and receiving requires full knowledge of the real needs of the other.
This is - in a short sentence - the deal, which I am offering:
I offer sexual homeostasis for a man, if and only if he gives me mutual intrinsic commitment and an emotionally safe haven in return.
Extrinsic commitment is not enough for me. I described the difference in entry 98.
All other needs and what else will be included in the relationship governance, is a question of communication.
As I have already explained in several blog entries, I am fully aware, that men are more or less afflicted with an instinctive urge for sexual homeostasis. Therefore even intellectual, educated and decent men can get dysfunctional and distracted, when they cannot restore homeostasis. A committed monogamous relationship is for such men a method to get homeostasis without abusing women.
As a woman with dignity, I do not want to be abused as a tool for a man's homeostasis, if he does not also respect and appreciate me as a person, a partner, the other half of a a unit. But I am nevertheless fully aware, that entering a relationship means to accept fulfilling the needs of the partner, including his biological instinctive needs for homeostasis.
Therefore my solution is to consider physical intimacy and intrinsic commitment as two inseparable sides of one coin. I accept either both or none and I expect a man also to accept or reject either both or none.
Intrinsic commitment, a safe haven and the feeling of belonging together as a bonded devoted couple are my most important need from a relationship. If I cannot get that, any relationship is worse than worthless. Without a man's full commitment, I perceive any relationship as abuse. If a man does not commit emotionally, but pampers a woman materially instead, this also is abuse.
Bonding and intrinsic commitment consist of several cognitive aspects. Only when they all are present, then they lead to the feeling of belonging together.
That feeling of belonging together is a feeling of bliss and of elation beyond my ability to describe it in words. Who has ever felt it, knows what I mean. Who in my age group does not know that feeling is most probably bonding-disabled and a high risk of being someone who would hurt and abuse me.
This feeling of belonging together is for me the purpose of having a relationship. It is a very delicate and fragile feeling. It is a subjective relationship quality meter. The absence of it is an indication, that something is wrong and needs to be improved and repaired. This implies as a consequence of accepting commitment as a part of the relationship deal also the unavoidability of the willingness to communicate about everything.
That feeling requires:
1. The identity as half a couple.
That means, that my future partner experiences everything in life from the perspective of being part of a unit, of an ingroup consisting of two partners. He does not perceive himself as a single man with me as an addition. Sharing decisions, sharing resources, communicating about everything, even his innermost feelings, is for him not even a deliberate decision, but an automatic and spontaneous reaction. Whatever he does, he automatically considers the impact upon me before acting. Of course, I do the same for him.
2. The accepting of the relationship governance as absolutely binding.
The relationship governance has to be an agreement before entering a relationship. It is a description of what a relationship means to both my future partner and me. It is a list of accepted mutual obligations derived from the deal of giving and receiving. It is of paramount importance that we both never hesitate to comply with those obligations and that there is no doubt, that the relationship governance can only be altered by communication until reaching consent.
3. The experience of the relationship as a safe haven.
The longer two partners are together and experience both, that the other always behaves as a sharing, considerate, responsible half couple, who fulfills every obligation and never strays, the more there is mutual trust, reliability, predictability, security and protection, which make a relationship a safe haven. I need this experience as the foundation of a relationship.
Belonging together can only be a mutual experience. If a man is bonding-disabled, a woman has no chance to ever feel togetherness. A woman can behave as a sharing half of a couple all the time, she can painstakingly fulfill all obligations of the relationship governance, but she is deprived of a chance to develop the precious feelings of belonging to a partner in a safe haven, when the man bullies and uses her to get his selfish needs, intimidates her with aggression, dominates her, forces his will upon her and other such hurting behaviors.
So the deal is clear: If a man treats and perceives me as an intrinsically committed partner, so that I can feel the joy of belonging together, then I will do whatever is possible to fulfill his needs. If he is not able to commit, I hope he at least has the decency and wisdom to stay away from me.
The longer two partners are together and experience both, that the other always behaves as a sharing, considerate, responsible half couple, who fulfills every obligation and never strays, the more there is mutual trust, reliability, predictability, security and protection, which make a relationship a safe haven. I need this experience as the foundation of a relationship.
Belonging together can only be a mutual experience. If a man is bonding-disabled, a woman has no chance to ever feel togetherness. A woman can behave as a sharing half of a couple all the time, she can painstakingly fulfill all obligations of the relationship governance, but she is deprived of a chance to develop the precious feelings of belonging to a partner in a safe haven, when the man bullies and uses her to get his selfish needs, intimidates her with aggression, dominates her, forces his will upon her and other such hurting behaviors.
So the deal is clear: If a man treats and perceives me as an intrinsically committed partner, so that I can feel the joy of belonging together, then I will do whatever is possible to fulfill his needs. If he is not able to commit, I hope he at least has the decency and wisdom to stay away from me.
