I am a woman born 1949 and my quest is to find a mindmate
to grow old together as a mutually devoted couple
in a relationship based upon the
egalitarian rational commitment paradigm
bonded by intrinsic commitment
as each other's safe haven and secure basis.

The purpose of this blog is to enable the right man
to recognize us as reciprocal mindmates and
to encourage him to contact me:

The entries directly concerning,
who could be my mindmate,
are mainly at the beginning.
If this is your predominant interest,
I suggest to read this blog in the same order
as it was written, following the numbers.

I am German, therefore my English is sometimes faulty.

Maybe you have stumbled upon this blog not as a potential match.
Please wait a short moment before zapping.

Do you know anybody, who could be my mindmate?
Your neighbour, brother, uncle, cousin, colleague, friend?
If so, please tell him to look at this blog.
While you have no reason to do this for me,
a stranger, maybe you can make someone happy, for whom you care.

Do you have your own webpage or blog,
which someone like my mindmate to be found probably reads?
If so, please mention my quest and add a link to this blog.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

133. Caring Man or Jerk - 4

Caring Man or Jerk - 4

This is a consideration test.

In entry 132, I put emphasis on Epicure's principle to neither harm nor be harmed, and how it is very important for me to find a partner, who would consciously attempt to refrain from hurting me. 

Not hurting requires two components.    The one, who hurts, needs to know, that he is hurting, and he needs to be motivated not to do so.   I am using the word hurting here as a placeholder for all behavior, that is unpleasant above a threshold, no matter, it it is precisely hurting, or disturbing, annoying, intimidating, threatening, embarrassing, mocking in some other way.  

In entry 129 I described the importance of taking responsibility after a completed singular act of hurting, and the necessity to prevent a repetition in the future.   This entry is about the consideration of changing a recurrent behavior, before it is repeated, as a consequence of feedback.

1.  A caring man is generally interested to know, how his partner feels as a reaction to how he treats her.   He asks her, and he listens with interest, when she gives him feedback.  When he does not understand her feedback, he asks further questions.   When she tells him, that she feels hurt by his behavior, then he is motivated to do something about it.  
Even if he does not understand her complaint yet, he has the consideration to suspend the behavior, that she perceives as hurting, until they have discussed the issue.   He does not continue with any behavior, as soon, as he is told, that it hurts.   He reacts the first time, when she gives him feedback about his behavior.  He takes her for serious.   He has enough appreciation and respect for her, therefore he acknowledges, that she deserves to be treated without being hurt.

2.  The following is a true example of the behavior of a jerk.   A while ago I was corresponding with someone, who was interested to learn German.   He wrote an email, used a translation program that distorted it into something, that appeared like German text only to him, and he sent this to me.  
He was not aware, that translator programs do not produce correct text, but gibberish, that is hard to understand and very unpleasant to read.  I explained this to him, and I asked him politely but unequivocally, not to send me any more of that repulsive gibberish, because it was too unpleasant to read.

I expected from him the consideration and courtesy to take this for serious and not to repeat his mistake.  But I was completely wrong in my expectation.   I received at least a dozen more emails of the same kind of gibberish.   I asked him a dozen times not to send me any more.  
He did not stop until I had told him several times, that I was not reading those emails.    It was futile to tell him, that for me they were unpleasant to read.  My experience of something as unpleasant was of no consequence.   He was clueless, that sending them was an act of impertinence.   The only reason, why he did stop, was getting aware, that he was wasting his own time, when I refused to read the gibberish.

I was and I am still puzzled, what goes in someone's brain, who does not react to feedback in plain English, that his behavior is unpleasant, who seems oblivious to the fact, that he is very impolite and impertinent.    Sending gibberish is not as drastic as hurting by serious transgressions, but it is at least as impolite as farting, because it is as bad for the mind as is farting for the nose.  
He could be minddeaf and not consciously hear or read the feedback, he could feel entitled to do, what he does, and consider it the victim's duty to allow herself to be annoyed, or he may consider those feelings as her defect and flaw and not his fault.   It would be curious to know.    

But no matter his reasons.  That guy is more than weird, he is dangerous.  He does not react to feedback, he cannot be stopped, no matter, what he does.   If he continues to do impolite, disturbing or annoying things to other people, in spite of being asked a dozen times to stop, there is no reason to expect, that he would hesitate to continue any seriously harmful activity in the same unconcerned way.  
It is a creepy imagination, that he would stand on my toe, and I would have to ask him a dozen times, until he finally removes his foot from my squeezed toe.   It is even more creepy to imagine, what serious damage he would do and cannot be stopped, before he has done it. 

Someone may overhear something, or he may agree to stop and then forget it a few times, that is not a problem.  
But someone, who just does not react and more than just once but several times, when he is asked to stop hurting behavior, is a jerk and not suitable for me.