I am a woman born 1949 and my quest is to find a mindmate
to grow old together as a mutually devoted couple
in a relationship based upon the
egalitarian rational commitment paradigm
bonded by intrinsic commitment
as each other's safe haven and secure basis.

The purpose of this blog is to enable the right man
to recognize us as reciprocal mindmates and
to encourage him to contact me:

The entries directly concerning,
who could be my mindmate,
are mainly at the beginning.
If this is your predominant interest,
I suggest to read this blog in the same order
as it was written, following the numbers.

I am German, therefore my English is sometimes faulty.

Maybe you have stumbled upon this blog not as a potential match.
Please wait a short moment before zapping.

Do you know anybody, who could be my mindmate?
Your neighbour, brother, uncle, cousin, colleague, friend?
If so, please tell him to look at this blog.
While you have no reason to do this for me,
a stranger, maybe you can make someone happy, for whom you care.

Do you have your own webpage or blog,
which someone like my mindmate to be found probably reads?
If so, please mention my quest and add a link to this blog.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

161. Emotional Moron, Jerk, Conscience

Emotional Moron, Jerk, Conscience

A decent and mature woman's nightmare starts, when she gets involved by mistake with a jerk or an emotional moron.     When he breaks an agreement or fails an obligation for the first time, she perceives it as a strong indication, that he does not value her enough to pay the price, for which he has got the relationship from her.   This is, when the conscience gets important.   

To illustrate this, here is example:

The woman has got physically involved based upon the assumption of both having a committed relationship.    For her, commitment means automatically the obligation to base everything on joint and shared decisions, that has an impact upon both of them.   

The man acts as if he were still a single man, he breaks the very agreement, which for her was a reason to accept getting involved.   
She considers and perceives this as a very serious transgression, as a betrayal and a breach of her trust.   She feels very hurt and she tells him so. 

Scenario 1:   The man is a jerk, he has no conscience.    He considers his behavior as correct, as his right and entitlement.    He explains his reasons to her, reasons that are only valid to his own selfish needs.   He considers his reasons as also valid for her.    He refuses to talk about it, because after having given her his reasons, he considers the entire issue as settled and finished.   Her pain, her disappointment, her lost trust are of no concern to him.   
Such a man is a nightmare for a woman, until she gets rid of him.  A jerk without a conscience is like a robot, who runs on a program.   When he has a desire, he fulfills it.  Once the program is started, it cannot be stopped.   She has no influence to stop him, nor has he a conscience to stop himself.  She has no influence to change his program.  There is no limit to what he is capable to do to her, she has to be prepared for any kind of abuse or damage.   What he has done once, he will repeat, whenever the same situation triggers the same behavior.  

Scenario 2:  The man is an emotional moron.   When he commits the transgression, he has no clue, that it is not correct.   When the woman explains to him, how much she feels hurt and disappointed, he is shocked and aghast about himself.   He would never want to hurt her.  He feels pain, because he knows, that she feels pain.   He cares for her emotional wellbeing and he has a conscience.  He feels guilty, ashamed, contrition, remorse.   He is really humble and meek, because he needs her to forgive him.   
He is very interested to learn, how she experienced his behavior, why it was unacceptable.  After a lot of communicating about it, he gains the insight, why what he has done is wrong and why it is so serious a transgression.     He is very motivated to learn, how he can avoid not only to repeat the same mistake, but also not to do similar things to her in the future.  
Therefore she finally can forgive him, and if he from then on feels bound by all agreements, the lost trust can slowly be repaired.   It is hard work and a lot of pain and effort, but they can finally find a way to have a happy relationship.