I am a woman born 1949 and my quest is to find a mindmate
to grow old together as a mutually devoted couple
in a relationship based upon the
egalitarian rational commitment paradigm
bonded by intrinsic commitment
as each other's safe haven and secure basis.

The purpose of this blog is to enable the right man
to recognize us as reciprocal mindmates and
to encourage him to contact me:

The entries directly concerning,
who could be my mindmate,
are mainly at the beginning.
If this is your predominant interest,
I suggest to read this blog in the same order
as it was written, following the numbers.

I am German, therefore my English is sometimes faulty.

Maybe you have stumbled upon this blog not as a potential match.
Please wait a short moment before zapping.

Do you know anybody, who could be my mindmate?
Your neighbour, brother, uncle, cousin, colleague, friend?
If so, please tell him to look at this blog.
While you have no reason to do this for me,
a stranger, maybe you can make someone happy, for whom you care.

Do you have your own webpage or blog,
which someone like my mindmate to be found probably reads?
If so, please mention my quest and add a link to this blog.

Friday, November 12, 2010

152. Blaming and Grudges

Blaming and Grudges

When one partner disagrees with how s/he is impacted by the behavior of the other, then this is a conflict.   

When both partners are wise and mature, they perceive conflicts as tasks, they give each other feedback of how a conflict effects them, and they solve it together by constructive communication.    They know, that conflicts destroy the relationship, when they continue unresolved for too long.    They are aware, that if they value their relationship, they need to invest whatever time it needs, until they reach an agreement, that is convincing to both.  

Blaming and grudges indicate an unresolved conflict, which causes suffering or discomfort to at least one partner.  

There are two varieties:  
1.  The suffering or discontent person wants, suggests, attempts to embark in the conflict solving process, but the other refuses.    The person blames the other with justification for whatever is the conflict and for the refusal to solve it.   
2.   The suffering or discontent person has so little consideration and respect for the other, that s/he does not perceive the trouble as a conflict requiring to be solved.  S/he denies the possibility of any improvement.  Instead s/he devalues the other as flawed and defective, the person is not worth any effort or any effort is considered as futile.  

Obviously, if one partner considers the other as not worth to invest time in solving conflicts and improving the relationship, then they are not compatible.   Blaming instead of conflict solving is destroying the relationship.

My mindmate is someone, who is willing and able to solve all conflicts with constructive communication, until a consent is reached and both feel that harmony is restored.    For him harmony, agreement and consent in the relationship have a high priority, they are more important than his selfish interests and benefits for himself.  

A jerk, who does to me, whatever transgression he feels entitled to do, and who then refuses to solve the conflict, is not suitable for me.