Mindmate or Jerk Questionnaire

Mindmate or Jerk Questionnaire

The following is a list of questions meant as a guideline for introspection, who would be my mindmate and who would not.   This questions are concerning his attitudes towards a woman, whose own behavior is decent, correct, rational, trustworthy.

This page is still work in progress.   If I can think of more questions, this list will be updated.   
Even though it is obvious, the answers of my mindmate are on a green background, those of the jerk on red.    


Are agreements with your partner binding? 

• Yes, they can only be changed by consent 
• No 

If your partner accepts to enter a relationship, because you have agreed on some preconditions, then

• acting in disregard of the agreement is a form of betrayal.  It is a serious transgression.
• you do not feel bound by he agreement, if you have personal reasons to break it.    

When one partner ends the relationship out of the blue, without any previous transgression, without discussion

• this is betrayal, a breach of trust and a serious transgression
• this is that person's right, you would not hesitate to do it too.

When you enter a relationship,

• you want it to last for the rest of your life.  You are willing to invest time and energy to make it work, separating is only the last alternative, after having tried everything possible to solve conflicts and to repair the relationship.
• it lasts, as long it gives you easy advantages, otherwise you end it by your onesided decision.  

Are you motivated and convinced, that being trustworthy, reliable and predictable for your partner is very important?

• Yes, you will never do anything, that comes for your partner out of the blue, as a shock or bad surprise.  You never make solitary decision and force them on her.   You never exclude her from decisions, that have an impact upon her.
• No.   Life means taking risks, and if a woman does not want to take risks, then she better does not have a relationship with you.   

Is commitment for you as binding, when there is no formal marriage as is a formal marriage?

• Yes, commitment is the bond of sealing the relationship by entering physical intimacy, compared with this, a signature in the townhall is an insignificant event.
• No, nothing is binding you to any obligations, neither commitment nor marriage, you perceive yourself as a single man, entitled to come and go and to do, what you want, without any consideration for your partner.   

Would you benefit from legal marriage?

• No, two equal partners bonded by commitment gain nothing from legal marriage except the possibility to live in the same country, if there are problems.
• Yes, legal marriage would restrict her means to resist being treated badly, because instead of just leaving you, she has to go through a divorce.    That gives you more freedom to be ruthless in how you treat her.

Your partner gives you the feedback, that some of your behavior is hurting.   How do you react?

• You do not want your partner to suffer because of you, no matter the reason, so you want to do something about it.   As a first step, you talk about it and what can be done.
• You are convinced, that you are not doing anything wrong, and that feeling hurt is her own fault or flaw, so you ignore her feedback and continue as before.

After a transgression, do you need to earn your partner's forgiving?

• Yes, I have to make sure to learn not to repeat if, before she can forgive me.
• No, I decide myself, if I had good reasons for my behavior and if so, I am excused and do not need to be forgiven 

You have accepted, that you have done something wrong, that your transgression is hurting her. 

• You take full responsibility for your own actions, you make amends.   You discuss the issue with her, until she can trust you, that you will not repeat the same transgression. 
• You make excuses for your transgressions, and avoid taking responsibility.    You excuse yourself by blaming her for her reactions to your transgression.  

You are willing to make amends.  

• You ask her, what she considers as amends, you do it, so she can forgive you.
• You do, what you consider amends, without asking, what she wants.   You exonerate yourself, even when what you have done are no amends in her perception.   You exonerate yourself without her forgiving you.

Something you do, that is not a transgression, is disturbing, hurting, annoying to her.  

• You talk with her, how to avoid it and change your behavior as much as possible.
• It is not a transgression, you continue with your behavior.

Your partner asks you to stop such a behavior immediately, even though you do not understand why.

• You suspend the behavior until you had a chance to talk about it and agree how to proceed in the future.
• You continue the behavior, you repeat it even dozen of times and in defiance to her repeated protest or imploring.   If you do not understand, what is wrong with what you do, then you are convinced, that nothing is wrong, but it is her flaw, defect and you have no reason to stop.

Do you feel guilt, shame, remorse, contrition, regret, when your partner tells you, that she feels hurt by your behavior?

• Yes. 
• No. 

What means apologizing and earning to be forgiven to you?

• It is of paramount importance to improve or repair the relationship and to avoid to repeat a transgression. 
• It is submission and capitulation and unmanly.   

You have done something, that has hurt your partner very much, she perceives it as a serious moral transgression.   You take her to concerts and other places, where she can enjoy herself and have a good time, you buy her books and gifts.   

• No matter, what you do, she will continue to feel hurt, as long as you have no bad conscience about that specific transgression.   She can only heal from your hurting, when you earn her forgiving by comprehending, what you have done.  
• It is her duty to forgive and forget and accept your efforts of pleasing her as a compensation.  

Is your partner's wellbeing equally important to you than your own?

• Yes 
• No, you have her in your life to get advantages from her and not for her benefit 

How do you know, what to do, if you want to care for her?

• You cannot know it.  You ask her, what she wants, needs and feels, and you listen to her answers. 
• You believe to know, what a woman needs and you do it.   If this is not enough, then it is her flaw and not your problem. 

When she has invisible emotional needs, that you do not have and do not understand:

• They are real for her.   Caring for her emotional wellbeing is as important as for her physical wellbeing, maybe even more important, if she says it.   
• They are not real, so you are not bothered. 

When you enjoy something, are you aware, if your partner enjoys it too?

• Yes 
• No 

Does it make a difference for you, if your partner enjoys, what she is doing with you?

• Yes, her joy enhances yours.   If she is not comfortable, this makes you uncomfortable too. 
• No, you enjoy, what you do.  If she does not, it is her own fault and problem. 

Are you usually interested, how your partner feels?

• Yes, and you ask her sometimes about it.  
• No.  She is with you, she has to feel good, no matter, how you treat her. 

When you are sick or not feeling well, what do you do?

• You tell your partner, you take it easy, stay in bed and allow your partner to care for you.   This way you appreciate her care and you can have harmony, while you get better. 
• You hide it, you want to be a strong man, you take pain killers and pretend, that nothing is wrong.   You do the same things, that you would do, if you were well.   But because you are not, you suffer and have a bad temper, that you let out on your partner.   It is her bad luck, you are sick and that is a good excuse for bad behavior. 

When you and your partner share expenses,

• then you consider the money in your bank account and your pocket as part of the common resources of both of you.    Therefore you feel obliged to share the decisions, how to spend it with your partner. 
• you consider it still as your money, and you feel entitled to spend it as you like for your own needs.  

When you and your partner share expenses, and your partners protests, that you are going to waste money on something.

• You refrain from spending the money.   You need to discuss the issue and find an agreement.  
• You spend the money in spite of her protest.  

When something needs to be decided, that has an impact upon your partner, what do you do?

• You discuss the issue with your partner and share the decision.  You need an agreement, because it concerns her too. 
• You make it your solitary decision, because you think that you know everything better than she does.

When you have some feelings, that you do not like to have, like fear, anxiety etc., what do you do?

• You are open, honest and sincere about what you feel, you trust your partner to support you.   The more she knows, the better she can support you. 
• You hide your feelings from your partner, because you do not want to appear weak.   It is her bad luck, when hiding the feeling causes you to behave in a way, that is unpleasant for her, like letting out your bad temper on her.  

When you have touchy spots and oversensitivities from you past, that you bring into the relationship, what do you do?

• You trust your partner to support you by being honest about it. 
• You hide it from your partner, even when hiding it makes you behave in a way, that is unpleasant and incomprehensible for her. 

Do you ever convert feelings, that you do not like to express, into anger and aggression against your partner?

• No.
• Yes.

A night in a bus station, some hours with no food, a long walk after having missed a bus, what does this mean to you, when you are together with your partner?

• It is a shared adventure, that brings you and your partner closer together, the discomfort is of no importance, what counts, is being together.  
• You do not want any discomfort, and the presence of your partner makes it not any better.   The only benefit from being with her is, that you have someone to blame it on. 

Do you think, that your partner has interesting things to tell to you, and it is worthwhile to listen?

• Yes, intellectual intimacy is part of the fundament of a relationship.    If what she says is not worth listening, then you would not have entered the relationship. 
• No.   Her purpose in your life is to listen to your monologues.  

Do you listen, until your partner has finished talking?

• Yes. 
• No, after half the time you know already, what is coming, and you finish her sentence.   You do not bother to verify, if it really is, what she was going to say.  

When you do not understand, what your partner is talking about:

• You ask her to explain it, and you listen, until you understand. 
• You consider it as nonsense, you think that she is too stupid to talk sense, and that is her flaw. 

When your partner starts to talk about something of importance to her, what do you then do?

• You listen carefully, then you reply rationally to what she is talking about.   
• You try to avoid the discussion.   Sometimes you do not reply, sometimes you blame her for having caused the issue herself, sometimes you change the subject and start to monologue about something else.  

When you want to know my partner better

• You ask her questions about herself and then you listen carefully. 
• You observe her behavior.   You interpret your observations without verifying it with her.  You probe and provoke her and observe her reactions.  

Do you trust, that your partner says, what she means, and means, what she says?

• Yes, you do not doubt it 
• No, you always suspect, that she has a hidden agenda.   You interpret her statements according to your opinion and your prejudices about her.  

Do take your partner for serious, do you assume that what she says is based upon rationality and good reason?

• Yes, you have chosen her as an equal partner.   You would not have entered a relationship with a woman lacking rationality and good reason.  
• No, you always know better.   

Do you assume, that your partner knows herself well enough and better than you know her?

• Yes, and her introspection are important for you to know, how to treat her. 
• No, you decide, what is the best way to treat her, no matter what she says, because she is flawed, if she disagrees.  

Do you believe your own opinion about your partner?

• No, you give her feedback about your impressions to verify them. 
• Yes, you can know her better than she knows herself. 

Do you make claims and expect your partner to take them as the truth?

• Only about your own personal feelings, perceptions and experiences.   For everything else, you give evidence.    Without evidence to convince, you do not expect her to believe anything. 
• Yes, what is true for you has automatically to be true for her. 

Do you use anger, aggression, rage, hollering as methods to put pressure upon your partner to get from her, what you want?   

• No, never.  
• Yes, else you do not get, what you feel entitled to get. 

What do you expect to happen, when you use pressure and coercion to get from your partner, what you want?

• She will stop loving you and your behavior is going to destroy the relationship. 
• She accepts to do, what she is obliged to do.   She learns her duties to you. 

How do you solve conflicts?

• Conflicts need to be solved by constructive communication.   You rationally discuss the issue, until your partner and you have found a solution, that is convincing and that you both can agree upon.  
• By demanding, what you want, by forcing your will upon her, whenever it is possible, by intimidating her.  

When your partner is with you and cares for you, what is your attitude?

• You need to care for her and treat her well, so she has good reasons to stay.   You do not take her for granted.  
• You are such a great guy, that she should be grateful for your condescension to allow her to be with you, no matter how you treat her.  

When your partner gives you feedback, that she suffers from how you treat her, what will happen, if you do not react?

• She will stop loving and caring for you and it will destroy the relationship  
• Nothing, she has to be grateful to be allowed to be with you.  

When there is a conflict, there are tensions, what is your priority?

• To solve the problem and restore harmony 
• To do something, that you enjoy to do without her. 

What is your partner for you?

• A very special person, who is much more important than other people 
• A roommate, a bedmate, but other people are as important and sometimes more important than her.  

What do you focus on in using your energy and willpower?

• To use self-control not to do things to your partner, that are detrimental to her  
• To fight with your partner to make her fulfill your own needs  

When you suggest something to your partner, what is more important?

• You want to convince your partner, that your suggestion is reasonable and beneficial for both of you.  If you cannot convince her, you do not insist on your suggestion.  
• You just want to get, what you want. 

When your partner resents that you dominate, coerce her, intimidate her with rage, how do you react?

• You know, that this means, that she will fall out of love and start considering you a jerk and ultimately leave you. 
• You are not bothered.   When you do not get advantages anymore, you dump her before she leaves you.  

What do you achieve by intimidating your partner with rage, fury and aggression?

• As long as she is in the reach of your power, you can coerce her to do, what you want.   Intimidation does not make her change her mind and agree with your entitlement.   In her evaluation, such a relationship is harmful for her and not beneficial and cannot last.  
• You consider this the appropriate method to tame the shrew to accept her duties.  

When you enter a committed relationship, what does this mean for your identity?

• You merge with your partner into a unit, and you develop the identity of being a part of the couple.   You feel responsible towards the unit, you care for the wellbeing of the unit, you decide as a unit.   
• You always perceive yourself as a single man, no matter, if you are in a relationship or not.   The woman becomes an appendix to your life similar to a dog.   You come first and you decide alone.  

What is your reason to enter a relationship?

• To love and care mutually for each other 
• To have a utility for your advantages always available, when you want it.   

How important is it for you to be together?

• To be together most of the time is the main reason to have a relationship 
• Your partner is not very important, you do not miss her much, when you are alone by your own decision.  But you want to have the guaranty, that she is always available, when you want her.  

Does it make you feel good, when you can really or in your own perception proof your partner wrong?

• No, you prefer to be both right by being both convinced of what is right.   You agree on what is right based on rationality and evidence.   It is of no importance, who of the both of you has learned more to reach such an agreement.  
• Yes, it does.   If she does not acknowledge your superiority, then you have to proof it to her.  

When your partner gives you feedback about some bad or embarrassing behavior, or when you do this to her, what does this mean to you?

• This is mutual support to help improve each other and to avoid embarrassment in public.   You appreciate it mutually.  
• She is putting you down, she should admire you and not criticize you.   When you criticize her, it is to indicate her inferiority to her.  

When your partner perceives your behavior in public as embarrassing, but you do not feel embarrassed, what do you do?

• You learn to behave in a way, that is not embarrassing to her. 
• You continue the behavior as before.   It is her problem, if she feels embarrassed.  

Is it your partner's role to praise and adulate you?

• No, equal partners give each other honest feedback, showing appreciation when justified and giving constructive criticism to support each other.  
• Yes, and if she doesn't, then you feel entitled to annoy and disturb her, so you get at least her attention.  

When is a relationship beneficial for your partner?

• When she subjectively evaluates it as beneficial, because she perceives and experiences your behavior as beneficial. 
• Always, because she should be grateful, that you allow her to be with you.  

When is a relationship detrimental and harmful for your partner?

• When she feels hurt and harmed by your behavior and has no influence to change this.  
• When she is so flawed and defective, that she feels hurt by the behavior, that you feel entitled to and that you consider appropriate. 

Can you make your partner change her evaluation of the relationship?

• Her perception and evaluation are her reality and basing her decisions upon her subjective reality is rational behavior.   While you can force her to do things by pressure and coercion, you have no power over her thinking.   You cannot convince her rationally, that there is any reason, why she should be with you and suffer.      
• You believe that you need to repeat your claims, how flawed and wrong she is, your blames, grudges and reproaches often enough, and she will finally change her evaluation.        

How can you make a detrimental relationship beneficial for her? 

• You need to drastically change your own behavior and your own evaluation of what is appropriate and what is not.   There is no other way.    
• You attempt to make her accept your claims and blames about her being flawed and wrong by attacking her for disagreeing with your entitlement, with aggression and a lot of emphasis, and you repeat it over and over.    

When will your partner suggest to end the relationship?

• When she perceives the relationship subjectively as detrimental and harmful, no matter your own divergent judgment. 
• She never gets that option, because you dump her first.  

When you feel a need, wish or whim, what is your attitude?

• You are grateful and you appreciate it, when your partner fulfills it.   It is not her duty. 
• You consider it your partner's duty to fulfill your needs.  

When you feel a need, wish or whim, what do you do?

• You tell it to your partner.   You decide together with her, how to deal with it.   
• You decide alone, how you want to fulfill your need.   You decide, what you want your partner to do and how and when, and you demand her to submit and comply. 

To motivate your partner to care for your needs, what do you do?

• You care for her.   The more you do for her, the more she will do for you in return.  
• You remind her, that serving your needs is her duty and her purpose.   If demanding is not enough, you put pressure upon her and coerce her.  

What is your general strategy to get your needs in a relationship?

• Tit-for-tat.  The more you give, the more you get, and the more you get, the more you give.  
• You fight to get as much as you can, even by using intimidation and coercion.  

Do you feel entitled to get every wish and whim immediately, when you feel it?

• No, you use your willpower to rationally handle your urges, by postponing them, when this is reasonable. 
• Yes, and your partner has to serve this.   If she does not, you blame her and you punish her with aggression and bad temper. 

When you do something, what are you concerned about?

• You want to act responsibly.  You do not want to harm your partner or make her feel bad by what you are doing. 
• You want to get the result, that you are attempting to get.