I am a woman born 1949 and my quest is to find a mindmate
to grow old together as a mutually devoted couple
in a relationship based upon the
egalitarian rational commitment paradigm
bonded by intrinsic commitment
as each other's safe haven and secure basis.

The purpose of this blog is to enable the right man
to recognize us as reciprocal mindmates and
to encourage him to contact me:

The entries directly concerning,
who could be my mindmate,
are mainly at the beginning.
If this is your predominant interest,
I suggest to read this blog in the same order
as it was written, following the numbers.

I am German, therefore my English is sometimes faulty.

Maybe you have stumbled upon this blog not as a potential match.
Please wait a short moment before zapping.

Do you know anybody, who could be my mindmate?
Your neighbour, brother, uncle, cousin, colleague, friend?
If so, please tell him to look at this blog.
While you have no reason to do this for me,
a stranger, maybe you can make someone happy, for whom you care.

Do you have your own webpage or blog,
which someone like my mindmate to be found probably reads?
If so, please mention my quest and add a link to this blog.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

174. Creating Commitment - 1 - The Decision Phase

Creating Commitment - The Decision Phase

I see the development from an online contact towards commitment as a process consisting of three phases.  
The first phase is the decision phase to find out, if there is basic compatibility and if there are no incompatibilities, that are dealbreakers.  
The second phase is the engagement phase, which starts with an engagement pact.   This phase serves to verify the basic compatibility and the consistency between verbal agreements and actual behavior during direct personal contact.   This phase creates emotional and intellectual intimacy.   
The third phase is commitment, that begins with the commitment pact, which is the beginning of physical intimacy.

The Decision Phase

During the decision phase, I want to find answers to the following questions and topics, and maybe a few more, that I have omitted.   The other has certainly his own list, but here I am writing from my personal perspective:
1.  Is there basic compatibility according to my mindmate checklist?
2.  Do we agree on and share basic values, attitudes and ethical rules and what we consider as right or wrong?
3.  Does this include equality of women and an intrinsic motivation to object to the use of a woman's body as a utility?
4.  Do we agree on what we define as transgressions, that are not acceptable in a relationship?
5.  How important is a relationship compared with other areas of life?    What value has a relationship to him and what price does he consider as worth for having it?
6.  Do we agree on the meaning of commitment and what obligations are binding?
7.  What needs does the other have, that I would be a means to fulfill them?   Are those needs something, that I would gladly do as a part of caring or would I risk to feel used?
8.   Are my own needs something, that the other perceives as caring or as too much of a sacrifice?
9.   Would a relationship be a fair deal of giving and receiving for both?
10. Does he agree to rationally discuss every conflict and topic, until there is a solution, that is convincing to both and that this is necessary?    Does he agree on rationality and logic as fundamental for communication?
11.  Does he consciously accept, that he has neither a right nor a justification to dominate?
12.  Does he agree with Epicure's principle, not to harm and not to be harmed?  
13.  Is he motivated to be not only generally honest, but also sincere in revealing his true personality with all weaknesses without a mask?
14.  Does he accept the importance of mutual support?
15.  Does he accept the paramount importance of sharing decisions?
16.  Are there practical obstacles that impede to be together for the rest of the life?
17.  What interests, activities, hobbies would we share?
18.  Have we understood each other in all the above correctly without misunderstandings, misinterpretations, jumping to conclusions, implicit assumptions?

If we are at a short distance, during this phase we could spend several entire days together.    If the distance is too long for such meetings, then there should be a meeting somewhere for about a week before deciding to continue with the second phase.   

More in future entries.