I am a woman born 1949 and my quest is to find a mindmate
to grow old together as a mutually devoted couple
in a relationship based upon the
egalitarian rational commitment paradigm
bonded by intrinsic commitment
as each other's safe haven and secure basis.

The purpose of this blog is to enable the right man
to recognize us as reciprocal mindmates and
to encourage him to contact me:

The entries directly concerning,
who could be my mindmate,
are mainly at the beginning.
If this is your predominant interest,
I suggest to read this blog in the same order
as it was written, following the numbers.

I am German, therefore my English is sometimes faulty.

Maybe you have stumbled upon this blog not as a potential match.
Please wait a short moment before zapping.

Do you know anybody, who could be my mindmate?
Your neighbour, brother, uncle, cousin, colleague, friend?
If so, please tell him to look at this blog.
While you have no reason to do this for me,
a stranger, maybe you can make someone happy, for whom you care.

Do you have your own webpage or blog,
which someone like my mindmate to be found probably reads?
If so, please mention my quest and add a link to this blog.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

182. Shyness, Reticence and Confidence

Shyness, Reticence and Confidence

I attended the opening of a new exhibition, which was more of interest to my age group than to younger people.  I stood there in a corner, sipping a glass of wine and observing a crowd of about 150 people. 
First I was pondering about how this was about the closest to the kind of real life situation, where people are supposed to find a mate.   Yet I, neither ugly nor overweight, was standing there as a wall flower wondering, how many single men were in that crowd, and how many of them would be compatible.

But then I looked at it from a different point of view.   Would I really want a dare-devil with no inhibitions just walk up to me and start talking?   The truth is, no.   If a man would not hesitate to approach me, then he may have been picking-up women so often, that it has become a routine.    
My kind of guy is reticent and shy, because he has no routine of approaching women.  He does not expect any benefit from approaching unknown haphazard women in an exhibition.   So I ended up silently appreciating every single man, who was too reticent to approach me, because of his rationality and wisdom to rather look on the web for a mindmate, of whom he knows that she is looking for someone like him.  

Exhibitions are real fun, when shared with a mindmate.   But to find someone, real life is the most improbable place to look for him.  

I do not consider shyness and reticence as an expression of the lack of self-confidence.   Self-confidence means to me the awareness of one's own qualities as measured by one's own standards, values, attitudes, ideal self and aspirations.   Self-confidence does not automatically mean boldness with other people.   A confident and sensitive person, who is so different from average people, that the contact with them bears a high risk of rejection, hostility and aggression, may well be wise in shying away from them with reticence to avoid unpleasant experiences.   

I am like this myself, and I see a possible kindred mindmate in somebody, who has self-esteem and confidence, but is shy and reticent with those people, with whom he has not much in common.

All this does not mean that being shy and reticent are in any way requirements in my search.  Real life boldness is not a dealbreaker, just a warning sign, that a man may be a pick-up artist.  It is more that I assume, that if a man is the kind of person, that I am looking for, hypoanimalistic, mature, sensitive and intellectual, then his experiences in a world of hostile and different people most probably have formed him in a similar way as myself.   His being shy, reticent, but self-confident would be a consequence.