I am a woman born 1949 and my quest is to find a mindmate
to grow old together as a mutually devoted couple
in a relationship based upon the
egalitarian rational commitment paradigm
bonded by intrinsic commitment
as each other's safe haven and secure basis.

The purpose of this blog is to enable the right man
to recognize us as reciprocal mindmates and
to encourage him to contact me:

The entries directly concerning,
who could be my mindmate,
are mainly at the beginning.
If this is your predominant interest,
I suggest to read this blog in the same order
as it was written, following the numbers.

I am German, therefore my English is sometimes faulty.

Maybe you have stumbled upon this blog not as a potential match.
Please wait a short moment before zapping.

Do you know anybody, who could be my mindmate?
Your neighbour, brother, uncle, cousin, colleague, friend?
If so, please tell him to look at this blog.
While you have no reason to do this for me,
a stranger, maybe you can make someone happy, for whom you care.

Do you have your own webpage or blog,
which someone like my mindmate to be found probably reads?
If so, please mention my quest and add a link to this blog.

Saturday, December 25, 2010

192. Protocol and Paradigm

Protocol and Paradigm

When someone sends information in the form of electrical impulses through a wire, and someone else at the other end wants to receive it in a understandable form, they both need to use the same protocol of converting the information, like TCP/IP, HTTP or SMTP.

Successful human direct interaction also needs to be guided by both using the same protocol.    In this case, the protocol is derived from their shared relationship paradigm.    

The relationship paradigm is the definition of the specific relationship based upon basic values, identity, needs, morals, attitudes, goals.    The relationship protocol are all behavioral rules derived from the paradigm, all obligations, requirements and entitlements.    The protocol rules the own behavior and also the expectations of how the partner will behave.    The protocol creates trust and predictability.   The protocol takes the individuality of both partners into account.  
Example:   The paradigm defines, what is a transgression and what is not.   The protocol defines the restrictions of specific behaviors to avoid transgression and how to earn forgiveness, if a transgression has occurred.   

While there are many possible relationship paradigms, when considering external circumstances, there is a preference for the paradigm, that fulfills most needs at the least emotional cost.    Therefore people cannot know the preferred relationship paradigm of another person, as long as they do not know that person very well. 
Each partner can have his own paradigm, even if it is implicit.   A protocol is an agreement and therefore a couple can only have an explicit protocol.    Behavior derived from the own implicit paradigm as an assumption of how to best treat the partner is not a protocol.  

People make a fundamental mistake, when they assume, that by entering a relationship, there is automatically an implicit consent about the paradigm of their relationship.    Beyond maybe the traditional marriage paradigm, that is prescribed by social norms and religion, most of the times a couple enters a relationship by both having implicit incompatible paradigms without being aware of it.   Instead having a protocol, they make wrong assumptions about how to treat each other.   This is usually the doom of the relationship.  

When a woman enters a relationship assuming it to be based upon the commitment paradigm, while for the man it is something like for example the male dominance paradigm, friends with benefits paradigm, polygyny paradigm, power struggle paradigm, then the woman is bound to experience a lot of pain.   

Therefore it is of paramount importance, that both partners agree explicitly on both the paradigm and the protocol of their future relationship, before getting involved.  

I am defining my own relationship paradigm as the egalitarian rational commitment, because it consists of three subparadigms for the identity, mutual valuation and communication method:

The commitment paradigm defines the identity of the partners as both perceiving themselves as a part of a bonded, devoted and sharing unit and not as to singles under the same roof. 
The egalitarian paradigm defines the evaluation of the other's equal rights as an appreciated partner in cooperation.
The rational paradigm defines the importance of constructive communication to solve all problems until an agreement is rationally convincing to both.   

I have already explained all this in detail in previous entries.