I am a woman born 1949 and my quest is to find a mindmate
to grow old together as a mutually devoted couple
in a relationship based upon the
egalitarian rational commitment paradigm
bonded by intrinsic commitment
as each other's safe haven and secure basis.

The purpose of this blog is to enable the right man
to recognize us as reciprocal mindmates and
to encourage him to contact me:

The entries directly concerning,
who could be my mindmate,
are mainly at the beginning.
If this is your predominant interest,
I suggest to read this blog in the same order
as it was written, following the numbers.

I am German, therefore my English is sometimes faulty.

Maybe you have stumbled upon this blog not as a potential match.
Please wait a short moment before zapping.

Do you know anybody, who could be my mindmate?
Your neighbour, brother, uncle, cousin, colleague, friend?
If so, please tell him to look at this blog.
While you have no reason to do this for me,
a stranger, maybe you can make someone happy, for whom you care.

Do you have your own webpage or blog,
which someone like my mindmate to be found probably reads?
If so, please mention my quest and add a link to this blog.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

170. The Jerk's Pseudo-Compromising

The Jerk's Pseudo-Compromising

The main hazard for the victim of a jerk are his solitary decisions, that nobody can influence, that are favoring his selfish advantages and that he coerces upon others.    As absurd as it is, this includes even his lame attempts at compromising.   

Nobody is able to compromise without knowing the full facts about the other's position.   

Compromising can only be a fair middle between the needs and wishes of both, when both reciprocally know, what the other really wants.    This requires a lot of communicating, until both know it exactly, included all important information connected with the issue.    Compromising not only means a fair deal of needs, wishes, tastes, but also an agreement, that is rational, on how to best proceed in fulfilling the deal.    A compromise may be fair, but not viable, when for examples there are not enough resources or other practical obstacles.  

But a jerk does no communicate, he enforces his solitary decisions by his favorite method of intimidation by anger and rage.   Therefore even when a jerk attempts to compromise, it is bound to fail and to make things only worse for his partner.   His compromise is only a pseudo-compromise.    Because he does not compromise between what he wants and what she really wants, but between what he wants and his presumption of what he believes to be her wish or need.   He believes so much in the correctness of his presumption, that it does not even occur to him to verify it.   He enforces his solitary decision of what he believes to be a compromise between his wish and her alleged wish.  
Instead of discussing the issue, but being already angry for not getting his own will always and easily, this anger now serves to intimidate her to submit to the alleged compromise, which is as far from her real wish as is his own entitlement without his pseudo-compromise.  

That has detrimental consequences.  

1.  In her subjective experience, she is just once more coerced to something, that she does neither want nor agree with.    But he has not clue, that she does not agree with what he believes to be her wish.    He thinks, that her needs are met, while they are not. 

2.  When his decision of how to proceed to realize her alleged wish does not lead to the result, that he wants, then he now blames all unwanted consequences on her.   What allegedly was her idea conceded to her by his condescension, is perceived and defined by him as bad and stupid.   Therefore after the failure he has the delusion of having got evidence of her inferiority and her incompetence.  He feels reinforced in his entitlement to dominate.  

3.  In addition to this, he now also has the delusion to have done her the favor of compromising, for which he feels entitled to get repaid by her obligation for more compromising from her side. This adds to his entitlement delusion.

4.  Since a jerk does not communicate, when he forces a decision upon his partner, she can never know, if that decision is in his subjective perception his own needs by entitlement, a pseudo-compromise or even an attempt to please her.    That adds to her insecurity and her experiencing him as unpredictable.