I am a woman born 1949 and my quest is to find a mindmate
to grow old together as a mutually devoted couple
in a relationship based upon the
egalitarian rational commitment paradigm
bonded by intrinsic commitment
as each other's safe haven and secure basis.

The purpose of this blog is to enable the right man
to recognize us as reciprocal mindmates and
to encourage him to contact me:

The entries directly concerning,
who could be my mindmate,
are mainly at the beginning.
If this is your predominant interest,
I suggest to read this blog in the same order
as it was written, following the numbers.

I am German, therefore my English is sometimes faulty.

Maybe you have stumbled upon this blog not as a potential match.
Please wait a short moment before zapping.

Do you know anybody, who could be my mindmate?
Your neighbour, brother, uncle, cousin, colleague, friend?
If so, please tell him to look at this blog.
While you have no reason to do this for me,
a stranger, maybe you can make someone happy, for whom you care.

Do you have your own webpage or blog,
which someone like my mindmate to be found probably reads?
If so, please mention my quest and add a link to this blog.

Sunday, December 26, 2010

193. Independence and Interdependence

Independence and Interdependence

Personal independence can be looked at as an innate personality trait of how much or how little independence a person needs to feel comfortable.    It can also be looked at as a description of the amount of entanglement with the social and material surroundings.

There are different areas of life where to be more or less independent:   Independent thinking, independent coping with practical every day life matters, and emotional independence.  

Independence is good, as long as someone can really supply himself with all that he needs without suffering deprivation.    But when interdependence adds quality to life by exchange, then it is preferable.   

Concerning a relationship, it is important that both partners have about the same need for emotional closeness.    I assume, that there is a bell curve.   At one extreme there are those, who are bonding-disabled, near the middle are those, who need a lot of independence, at the other side of the middle are those with the need for interdependence, and at the other extreme are those with the wish for a total fusion, that is not realistic.  

A couple of very independent persons may live peacefully as roommates with benefits, while people with a need for interdependence are those to form bonded, devoted, committed couples perceiving themselves as a unit.    But when one person with the need for independence gets involved with another person with the need for interdependence, this is bound for doom.

As this blog shows, I am an independent thinker.    Also I am very independent in practical matters, because I have accumulated enough survival skills.   Never in my life was I tempted to play the helpless female to instigate a man to do repairs for me.   Whenever necessary, I can be my own electrician, carpenter, computer technician or whatever else.   
But in contrast, emotionally I have a strong need for interdependence with a leaning towards as much fusion as is realistic.   When I am alone, I do not feel independent, but just lonely.  

Unfortunately, men who know me only superficially or who misinterpret and misunderstand my ad, often get a very wrong impression of me.    They jump to the conclusion, that a woman, who is an independent thinker and independent enough to be capable at DIY is also emotionally independent.  
As a consequence, the wrong men are getting interested in me, those who want a roommate with benefits and who assume, that I want the same.    But I do not want that kind, they are a nightmare.  

As I already explained in entry 105, it seems that I am intimidating and scaring off exactly the kind of men, whom I want most, those clingy, needy nice guys, who only feel alive as part of a bonded couple and who would be the perfect match for my own need for emotional interdependence.   

To reject the roommates with benefits is just a nuisance, but intimidating those, whom I am looking for is really tragic.  
Being a needy, clingy nice guy is unfortunately something, that does not correspond to the role model of successful masculinity in mainstream society.   They have very good reasons to be proud of not being jerks and to feel morally superior over those repulsive jerks.   Instead the most valuable men have the lowest self-esteem and that adds to their feeling intimidated by any woman, who appears to be strong and independent.  
Therefore they look for women, who are or who appear helpless enough, so that they can attempt to make themselves needed by doing the DIY jobs for the women.    They believe to only have value to a woman by buying her with services.   They are ignorant, that their emotional neediness and clinginess by itself can be of high value to a woman like me.  
I am using the words clingy and needy, even though they may be a bit stronger than what I mean.   I know, that they can in the extreme mean pathological behavior, when there is no balance between the needs of both partners.   Clinginess and neediness are only good, as long as the partner feels appreciated and loved.   When he feels annoyed and suffocating, then it is pathological, and of course I do not wish for it neither on the giving nor on the receiving side.    The limit of acceptable neediness is the reciprocal comfort for both, and this is a question of compatibility and of agreement.

The jerk's lack of needing a woman gives him the freedom to degrade and use her and discard her without hesitation.   The nice guy's neediness is the best guaranty, that he will treat her with care, consideration and responsibility.    So in the worst case, a too clingy nice guy is less detrimental than a jerk.   I just attempt to choose the risk, and suffocating under too much love is better than feeling pain by a jerk lacking caring love.   

While google mostly shows pages devaluing clinging altogether, I found one a bit more positive:

"At least in the short run, dependent traits seemed to buffer the relationships in times of crisis, the authors suggest. Afraid of losing the relationship, “individuals high on dependency may actually behave in a more positive way to their partner, like being more complying, being more loving,” said Bénédicte Lowyck, "

"“But it is this love dependency that is the most adaptive,” Dr. Pincus said. “These are people that form very strong attachments,"