I am a woman born 1949 and my quest is to find a mindmate
to grow old together as a mutually devoted couple
in a relationship based upon the
egalitarian rational commitment paradigm
bonded by intrinsic commitment
as each other's safe haven and secure basis.

The purpose of this blog is to enable the right man
to recognize us as reciprocal mindmates and
to encourage him to contact me:

The entries directly concerning,
who could be my mindmate,
are mainly at the beginning.
If this is your predominant interest,
I suggest to read this blog in the same order
as it was written, following the numbers.

I am German, therefore my English is sometimes faulty.

Maybe you have stumbled upon this blog not as a potential match.
Please wait a short moment before zapping.

Do you know anybody, who could be my mindmate?
Your neighbour, brother, uncle, cousin, colleague, friend?
If so, please tell him to look at this blog.
While you have no reason to do this for me,
a stranger, maybe you can make someone happy, for whom you care.

Do you have your own webpage or blog,
which someone like my mindmate to be found probably reads?
If so, please mention my quest and add a link to this blog.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

124. Caring Man or Jerk - 1

Caring Man or Jerk - 1

Caring for each other as a devoted couple means to care for the other's wellbeing, not only for the physical wellbeing of the basic needs, but also for the emotional wellbeing.

But how can a woman find out, how much a man is caring for her?  One possibility is the 'hunger test'.

General scenario:  
A dull, ticky-tacky, expensive looking restaurant, with white table cloths and servile waiters, that could be anywhere.
A charming, picturesque little eating place, very typical for the country and with excellent food.   That place can be found by walking around searching for another hour.  

A couple is on vacation in another country.   He gets hungry and stops in front of the restaurant. 

There are four different scenarios, depending on the kind of attitude of the man towards the woman. 

1.  The dominant jerk decides to eat in that restaurant.   What she wants, is of no importance.   If she hesitates or resists, he gets angry and starts to make a public scene.   This way, he coerces her into the restaurant.   There he enjoys his food.   He is completely oblivious of how she feels.   If she sits there uncomfortable in a place she does not like, unhappy because she is helpless against his domination, he does not even notice.   He has ordered enough food for her too, so he has no clue, that there is anything wrong.    Would she even attempt to tell him, how she feels, he would consider and treat her as if something were wrong with her.  

2.  The grudging jerk does not dominate directly, but he feels entitled to dominate.   He  unwillingly gives in to her dislike of the restaurant.  He feels deprived of his right to eat there, he considers her resistance to his wish as her flaw.  When they eat in the cute local place, he is angry, that he had to continue hungry for another hour.  He reproaches her forever for this, as if she had failed her duty to put his needs above her own.    He blames her to have got her way.  He is oblivious that they both are getting their needs, he for the food, and she for enjoying the picturesque place.    Having such a grudge, he spoils her pleasure, and there is tension between them.   

3.  The fair compromising partner accepts, that he has no right to get only his needs fulfilled, but that his partner has the same right to get her own needs.   They both get their individual needs fulfilled, not as a couple, but as two travelling companions.   

4.  The caring partner enjoys himself more, when he knows, that his partner is enjoying herself as much as he does.    For him, the proverb:  "Joy shared is joy doubled" describes, how he perceives himself as a devoted partner.   When he suggests to enter the restaurant, he does it only as a question, what she would want to do, and he is eager himself to find some place, that is pleasant for both of them.   Therefore the fair compromise is what he wants too, so they can have a joyful and happy dinner together. 

Both varieties of a jerk will cause devastation to the woman, if she stays long enough with him.   The dominating jerk will achieve this by giving her the feeling of being helpless under pressure, the grudging jerk will cause her strain and stress in her never ending struggle to defend her own needs.   
The fair compromise can be a phase of transition during the time of growing attachment, but if is lasts too long, then there is a risk, that both partners start to feel, that something vital is missing between them. 

Only two caring partners can be happy together.