I am a woman born 1949 and my quest is to find a mindmate
to grow old together as a mutually devoted couple
in a relationship based upon the
egalitarian rational commitment paradigm
bonded by intrinsic commitment
as each other's safe haven and secure basis.

The purpose of this blog is to enable the right man
to recognize us as reciprocal mindmates and
to encourage him to contact me:

The entries directly concerning,
who could be my mindmate,
are mainly at the beginning.
If this is your predominant interest,
I suggest to read this blog in the same order
as it was written, following the numbers.

I am German, therefore my English is sometimes faulty.

Maybe you have stumbled upon this blog not as a potential match.
Please wait a short moment before zapping.

Do you know anybody, who could be my mindmate?
Your neighbour, brother, uncle, cousin, colleague, friend?
If so, please tell him to look at this blog.
While you have no reason to do this for me,
a stranger, maybe you can make someone happy, for whom you care.

Do you have your own webpage or blog,
which someone like my mindmate to be found probably reads?
If so, please mention my quest and add a link to this blog.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

143. Caring Man or Jerk - 6

Caring Man or Jerk - 6

This concerns the difference in basic morals.   Dumping is a very good example for this.

In entry 3 I already put emphasis upon the difference between intrinsic and extrinsic motivation guiding the behavior as a partner.   This is also another difference between the caring man and the jerk.  

Dumping means here, that one partner ends the relationship by a onesided decision and declaration, without any discussion, without allowing the other to influence this decision.    The dumped partner has not committed any transgression, that justifies this drastic action.  
That means, that ending the relationship immediately as a consequence of being cheated on is an appropriate reaction and not dumping.  
Having spent good times together and having agreed upon plans for meeting again, and then one disposes of the other by an email, that is dumping.  

1.   The caring mature man is guided by a value system of moral attitudes.  He has the intrinsic motivation for correct and decent behavior.    He considers dumping as an act of betrayal and a serious transgression.    If he would dump anybody, he would loose his self-respect, he would feel guilty.   He cannot allow himself such a transgression, else he would suffer.  His behavior is ethically determined.  Such a man is reliable, the woman can feel safe and relaxed with him, she can trust him.    She can dare to be herself without worries.   She knows, that in the case of misunderstandings and unexpected events, he will not disappear into thin air.   She can trust, that in any case he will first talk with her to remove all doubts, before he would suggest to end the relationship.   The have got involved by agreement, if they separate, this also requires agreement.  
2.   The jerk is a potential dumping monster.   He is not guided by morals.   He has no clue, what ethical behavior would be, for him the word betrayal is some abstract word, that he does not understand.   He may seriously believe to never betray a woman, because when he does it, he is not aware of it.  
For the jerk, dumping is normal behavior, he has no more inhibitions to dispose of a woman than he has to dispose of yesterday's newspaper.   A jerk has only one reason not to dump a woman, and that is the advantages he is still getting from being with her.    He can agree or promise not to dump a woman, and even mean it, while she is useful for him.  He promises, what pleases the woman, so he can get benefits from her in return.   His promise is the price in a deal.  The deal is like a subscription to a recurrent service.  When the service is cancelled, payment is cancelled too.  When he wants to get rid of her, for him the deal is over and his promise is no more valid, so he dumps her anyway.   No moral restrictions, no conscience can restrict him from dumping her.    

There is some fatal logic in the jerk's dumping.   In the entries 140 and 141, I explained, that mature, bonded, egalitarian partners improve their relationship by solving conflicts together with the method of constructive communication, but that a jerk jeopardizes his role of superiority by improving the relationship.  
When there is a conflict, that deprives him from getting benefits out of the relationship, and improving the relationship is no option for him, then dumping is the only logical procedure for him, in the case that the woman has not left him already.  

The dumping monster is not reliable and not trustworthy.   This has consequences.  
A close relationship of two equal partners is impossible with a jerk.    If she trusts him and insists on being an equal partner, not a servant or utility, he gets soon tired of her and dumps her.   If she is lucky, he does this already before getting physically involved, and she is stunned.   If he had already lured her into bed before dumping her, she is shocked as this is damaging her dignity.   
Preceding the actual dumping, being aware of his readiness to dump her at any moment is a threat, that intimidates and stresses her.  She is walking on eggshells.  He has power over her, as long as she is with him.  I explained it already in entry 130.   His power ends, when he drives her away or when he dumps her.   

Sometimes a jerk has the delusion that dumping a woman is not final.   At the moment of dumping, the woman may appear as if she were wanting him very much, because she is very motivated to work on improving and repairing the relationship.   He has the delusion, that she will be waiting patiently, until he may condescend to allow her back, and that she would compare all other men with him and no other could interest her in comparison with him.  
Such a jerk has no clue, that a transgression as serious as dumping can drastically change a woman's attitude and kill her love.    While she felt bound ethically to make efforts to improve the relationship instead or before freeing herself from the jerk, his dumping has just set her free and now she considers it as final.  

Sometimes a jerk dumps a woman, who has resisted and protested with too much verve against his domination and inappropriate behavior, for the purpose to break her will, believing that when he allows her back, she would then gladly submit in obedience to her inferior position.  But the taming of the shrew is a centuries old theater play and no realistic model to imitate.  But he may well have the delusion of her waiting to be allowed back as docile, while the woman instead considers him as good riddance.  

But having no conscience, not being inhibited by any moral restraints from being a unconcerned jerk is a general basic trait, dumping is just one expression of it.   So if a woman is aware of the risk, she can be alert.    Someone, who has no conscience to commit major transgressions, also commits less serious transgressions.    It is the same absence of a moral imperative in guiding the behavior, when someone betrays the trust by dumping his partner, and when someone continues to annoy another person in defiance of being repeatedly asked to stop. 
The example of the inconsiderate guy sending gibberish in entry 133 illustrates this.   When someone is unconcerned and inconsiderate to afflict minor pains and annoyances on others, it is to be expected that he also does not hesitate to commit major transgressions like betrayals.   He has no reason to restrain himself.   He does not perceive his transgressions as transgressions, and as long as he is in denial of any feedback about others people's feelings, he may not even be aware, when and how much he is harming others.   So the red flags are there, and a woman can look for them and run before getting involved with a dumping monster.

I am looking for a partner with some emotional intelligence.    Jerks with emotional moronity are not suitable for me.