I am a woman born 1949 and my quest is to find a mindmate
to grow old together as a mutually devoted couple
in a relationship based upon the
egalitarian rational commitment paradigm
bonded by intrinsic commitment
as each other's safe haven and secure basis.

The purpose of this blog is to enable the right man
to recognize us as reciprocal mindmates and
to encourage him to contact me:

The entries directly concerning,
who could be my mindmate,
are mainly at the beginning.
If this is your predominant interest,
I suggest to read this blog in the same order
as it was written, following the numbers.

I am German, therefore my English is sometimes faulty.

Maybe you have stumbled upon this blog not as a potential match.
Please wait a short moment before zapping.

Do you know anybody, who could be my mindmate?
Your neighbour, brother, uncle, cousin, colleague, friend?
If so, please tell him to look at this blog.
While you have no reason to do this for me,
a stranger, maybe you can make someone happy, for whom you care.

Do you have your own webpage or blog,
which someone like my mindmate to be found probably reads?
If so, please mention my quest and add a link to this blog.

Monday, November 8, 2010

146. The Difference Between Acting And Reacting

The Difference Between Acting And Reacting

A sequence of behavior starts with an action, that someone initiates, then someone else reacts, then follows a reaction to the reaction, and so forth.   Without the initiative of the first action, none of the later reactions would take place.   When someone's action or reaction is a transgression, and it was not provoked or triggered by any previous transgression, then the transgressor alone is responsible for everything, that follows.  

Only the person, who commits the first transgression, has a choice, what to do and how to act.   The transgressee has no choice.   She may be aware, that her reactions to a transgression are inappropriate, out of proportion or even foolish.   But she cannot prevent her reaction, if she cannot prevent to be the target of the preceding transgression, which comes as an unexpected and unwarranted surprise.    Therefore she cannot be blamed for her reaction.  
After she has learned, from whom to expect transgressions, she has also a choice:  She can avoid to expose herself to the transgressor by leaving him.         

I take responsibility for my behavior, as long as I am treated correctly.    I am determined not to commit transgressions myself.  

That means, that when someone gives me feedback, that something I have done or am doing causes him to feel hurt, disturbed, annoyed, harmed, I am motivated to do something about it.  I am willing to listen and I am willing to talk about it.   I am willing to change my behavior, after having found out, what exactly is the problem and after having been rationally convinced, that there is an alternative way of behaving to solve the problem and to alleviate the other's feelings.  
I am willing to do this, when I am made aware, that my behavior needs improving, I am also willing to do this to accommodate someone's special sensitivities.
Whatever I expect or require as correct from someone else, is the same as what I consider myself obliged to do or to refrain from.  

But I refuse to take responsibility for my REactions, whenever I am treated in an inappropriate way.    

Example 2.2. in entry 129:   If somebody would not react to a civilized attempt to talk about a serious issue, and it escalates, until I call him an idiot, then I do not take responsibility for this.   It is first his own job to correct his behavior and start constructive communication like a mature partner.   As soon as he does and stops appearing like a moron, I will gladly tell him that I have changed my opinion and that I no longer consider him and idiot.  

Example 1.2. in entry 130:  If someone would intimidate and threaten me, until I am a bundle of nerves, I do not take responsibility for my loosing countenance and control.      First the situation would have to change drastically to give me relief, before I can normalise my own behavior.

If someone dislikes my reaction, it is his task to stop ongoing transgressions and avoid a repetition of the transgression.  If he does not repeat his transgression, he will automatically not experience my reaction again.  
I do not take blame for my reactions and I do not accept, that my reaction is used as an excuse for further transgressions by someone, who did the first transgression.

Of course, all this is based on the precondition, that there is consent, what is a transgression by agreement before getting involved.   If there has been a misunderstanding, or if someone has lured me into involvement by pretending to share my values, but does not, then I restrict to take responsibility based upon my own value system.   If a jerk considers my refusal to accept the role of inferiority as a transgression, then blaming me for it is his mistake and not justified.  

If a jerk does not like the reactions, that he triggers in me, then he better dejerkifies himself.