I am a woman born 1949 and my quest is to find a mindmate
to grow old together as a mutually devoted couple
in a relationship based upon the
egalitarian rational commitment paradigm
bonded by intrinsic commitment
as each other's safe haven and secure basis.

The purpose of this blog is to enable the right man
to recognize us as reciprocal mindmates and
to encourage him to contact me:

The entries directly concerning,
who could be my mindmate,
are mainly at the beginning.
If this is your predominant interest,
I suggest to read this blog in the same order
as it was written, following the numbers.

I am German, therefore my English is sometimes faulty.

Maybe you have stumbled upon this blog not as a potential match.
Please wait a short moment before zapping.

Do you know anybody, who could be my mindmate?
Your neighbour, brother, uncle, cousin, colleague, friend?
If so, please tell him to look at this blog.
While you have no reason to do this for me,
a stranger, maybe you can make someone happy, for whom you care.

Do you have your own webpage or blog,
which someone like my mindmate to be found probably reads?
If so, please mention my quest and add a link to this blog.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

76. Ex-Partners - Monogamy or Polygamy?

Ex-Partners - Monogamy or Polygamy?

Legally, the difference between polygamy and monogamy is clearly defined.   But seen from the perspective of subjective emotional ties and bonding, some forms of apparent polygamy and apparent monogamy may be just the same.

In breeding-oriented and male-dominated societies, where polygyny is either legal or socially accepted, there are basically two models: 
Harem-polygyny, when one man has parallel intimate relationships with several wives.  
Compound polygyny (described in entry 23), when one man has one active intimate relationship with one  of several wives for a limited phase of time, while the others are temporarily deactivated but available for their turn.    Some can be deactivated to be never reactivated, but they are still part of the compound.  

There are also two fundamentally different forms of monogamy, emotional and practical monogamy.    I consider only emotional monogamy as true monogamy, while practical monogamy is pseudo-monogamy and it is just another name for compound polygyny, with only one difference.  The intimate relationship with one is meant to last, and the previous ones are permanently deactivated.   But the continued friendship or friendly contact with the deactivated partners makes it a kind of a compound.

I assume, that difference between the two forms of monogamy is connected with the difference of the two identities.   

True, emotional monogamy means, that two hypoanimalistic individuals choose each other to create the special bond of combined intellectual, emotional and physical intimacy, that makes that one partner special and more important than anything else in the world.   As a consequence of that special bond, both perceive the relationship and the partner as first priority in life.    This bond is exclusive with one partner in monogamy, could it exist with several persons at the same time, then this would be polygamy.    The bond can only be recreated with another partner, after the bond with the previous partner has first been severed.   
The bond is severed, when one or more factors of the intimacy are so much destroyed, that the relationship has become dysfunctional beyond endurance of one or both.  As long as a person feels the bond, he wants to be together with the partner.   The severed bond means, that there is no more reason or wish to be together, but that there are unpleasant and painful reasons to consciously decide to be not together.   Therefore there is no reason to continue any contact.  
In the case, that the bond is only severed in the perception of one partner, then the only method for the other is to let time fade the bond into oblivion by ending all contact.  

That bond cannot be annihilated as if it never has existed.     A platonic friendship between a man and a woman, who have never been intimate, is fundamentally different from a deactivated physically intimate relationship of a couple, even when both are determined to never reactivate the intimacy.   Of course, I am only referring to hypoanimalistic individuals, who restrict entering physical intimacy to be inseparable from the wish to create the deep bond.  
As platonic friends, there may be circumstances to keep them in ignorance, if they would have reasons to form a bond or not, would they try.   After a severed bond, they have experienced the existence of reasons impeding and destroying the bond.  

For breeders and wanna-be-breeders, for the people with the particle-identity, nothing of the above is valid.    They have an urge to procreate, and the urge to physical intimacy is a part of it.   Couples form for the purpose of breeding, and practical monogamy means for a man to ensure only to raise the bearers of his own genes and to a woman to ensure to have a provider for her progeny.    Monogamy is a method to enhance breeding success under specific circumstances, it is not considered as vital for the emotional wellbeing of breeders.

Therefore, whenever I get in contact with a man and he mentions his continuing his contact with one or several previous partners, this is a bunch of several huge red flags.   
1.   Is he a wanna-be-breeder or even a copulating dog, for whom entering physical intimacy is not inseparably related to creating an exclusive bond?     Is he one of those, for whom physical intimacy with a woman's body means nothing more than ridding his body of some substance similar to emptying his bowels?
2.   Is he not capable to create the bond of true monogamy?    Does he not even know, what such a bond means or that it can exist?
3.   If it is just one previous partner, does he still feel that unique bond with her, that has been severed only in her emotional experience, but never for him?    Would he therefore not be available for such a bond with any other woman?
4.   Does he even know, that making a woman part of a system of compound polygyny, without giving her the special meaning of being the only one sharing the special bond, is a degradation and depreciation of a woman, who would onesidedly honor him with having that special bond only with him?

My mindmate will be someone, who knows the meaning of true emotional monogamy, he will not even consider to continue any contact with his previous partners.    For him, as for me, an ex-partner is someone, with whom there is no more contact, because such contact has no attraction and no benefit.   As long as a partner is still good enough to be considered a friend worth staying in contact, there is not enough reason to ever end the relationship.   Friendship with a previous partner means, that the relationship has never really ended, but instead has only been converted from an active intimate relationship into a deactivated intimate relationship.    The deactivated intimate partner continues to be a part of the polygyny compound.   Only in this case, the compound is not a physical area, but a mental entanglement.   This is no monogamy, but emotional polygamy.  
Only the end of all contact converts a deactivated previously intimate partner into an ex-partner and ends the relationship.