I am a woman born 1949 and my quest is to find a mindmate
to grow old together as a mutually devoted couple
in a relationship based upon the
egalitarian rational commitment paradigm
bonded by intrinsic commitment
as each other's safe haven and secure basis.

The purpose of this blog is to enable the right man
to recognize us as reciprocal mindmates and
to encourage him to contact me:

The entries directly concerning,
who could be my mindmate,
are mainly at the beginning.
If this is your predominant interest,
I suggest to read this blog in the same order
as it was written, following the numbers.

I am German, therefore my English is sometimes faulty.

Maybe you have stumbled upon this blog not as a potential match.
Please wait a short moment before zapping.

Do you know anybody, who could be my mindmate?
Your neighbour, brother, uncle, cousin, colleague, friend?
If so, please tell him to look at this blog.
While you have no reason to do this for me,
a stranger, maybe you can make someone happy, for whom you care.

Do you have your own webpage or blog,
which someone like my mindmate to be found probably reads?
If so, please mention my quest and add a link to this blog.

Monday, November 8, 2010

145. Caring Man or Jerk - 7

Caring Man or Jerk - 7
There are also other forms of betrayal, that are more general then dumping as described in entry 143.    This concerns the obligation of being bound by agreements as an expression of basic morals. 

1.  For mature sensitive people, breaking a bond is a very painful and traumatic experience.    Wise people attempt to avoid it by not getting bonded prematurely.   They know, that they cannot prevent long term developments, but they can prevent short term disaster.   Therefore they do the following, before sealing commitment:

1.1.  They verify, if they are emotionally, ethically, intellectually compatible.  
1.1.1.  They make sure, that they share all basic values and attitudes.   They agree, what they consider both as transgressions.   They make sure, that there is nothing, that one considers a transgression, while the other feels no inhibitions to do it.  
1.1.2.  They both declare all their needs and requirement from the partner in the relationship. 
1.1.3.  Each makes a careful introspection, if s/he can fulfill the other's needs, and how much they perceive it as a sacrifice.   
1.1.4.  This includes also the extrapolation of fulfilling those needs for a long time to come, not only momentarily. 
1.1.5.  They both evaluate, if there are obstacles, that cannot be overcome.   If not, they calculate each, if the relationship is beneficial.  

1.2.  If they have no doubt, that the relationship is beneficial for both, they continue.  

1.2.1.  They plan the framework of the relationship, that includes how to organize the practical modalities of the life together, where to live, how to handle material resources and such.    
1.2.2.   They define the relationship.   What is exclusive for them, what has priority, what is shared, what behavior is a transgression, which needs they fulfil for each other and how.   Each agrees explicitly not to do, what the other wants never to suffer.    
1.3.  They both agree, that the framework and definition of the relationship are binding, as soon as the have entered and sealed commitment.   They both accept the mutual obligation to stick to it, until they both agree together to modify it.   
This makes the relationship reliable and predictable.  Every onesided change of this agreement is a betrayal, because it is a breach of the trust, that what is accepted at the moment of getting involved is really, what the relationship will be like.  
The sealing of the agreement has to be based on two principles.  WYGIWYA:   What you get is what you accept.   WYAIWYG:   What you accept is what you get.  
That means, that getting involved based upon an agreement is accepting exactly that agreement without any hidden agenda of changing it later or attempting to modify it.   It means also not to expect and demand more than what is included in the agreement.  
Of course, this does not exclude the necessary process of mutual adaptation concerning habits.  

When someone bases the decision to get involved in a committed relationship upon an agreement, while this person would not enter the relationship without this agreement, then this makes sticking to the agreement an obligation and breaking the agreement a serious betrayal and transgression. 

2.  Jerks dump easily, because they are bonding-disabled.   They do not feel bound by any agreement.   They get involved by infatuation, without consideration for the partner.  

2.1.  Some examples:  
2.1.1.   If one wants children, the other not, they are not compatible.    If they both agree on not having children, and a few months later, one starts to want children, this is not correct.   This person should have made a more thorough introspection.   But by getting involved, this person now has an obligation to stick to the conditions of having accepted a childfree relationship.   The jerk continues to put pressure for the purpose of breeding, it is betrayal, and if the jerk ends the relationship to find another breeder, it is also betrayal.  
2.1.2.  If the man has accepted not to indulge in any dangerous activity, because the woman would worry too much about him, then buying a motorcycle a few months later against her protest is betrayal and he is a jerk.   Planning to buy the motorcycle, he was not compatible and should not have got involved.   After getting involved, it was his obligation not to buy a motorcycle.
2.1.3.  An ethical vegetarian and a meateater are not compatible.   If the meateater agrees to stop eating meat, but starts to eat meat again after a few months, this is also an act of betrayal and he is a jerk.    The meateater has accepted to respect the vegetarians values, and is obliged to stick to it.
2.1.4.  When the couple has agreed, where to live, and this is for some external reasons the only possible place, but one changes his mind after getting involved, he is a jerk and this is a serious betrayal.   Refusing to be together at the agreed upon only possible place is a form of dumping.   

A jerk, who does not feel bound by agreements, is not suitable for me.