I am a woman born 1949 and my quest is to find a mindmate
to grow old together as a mutually devoted couple
in a relationship based upon the
egalitarian rational commitment paradigm
bonded by intrinsic commitment
as each other's safe haven and secure basis.

The purpose of this blog is to enable the right man
to recognize us as reciprocal mindmates and
to encourage him to contact me:

The entries directly concerning,
who could be my mindmate,
are mainly at the beginning.
If this is your predominant interest,
I suggest to read this blog in the same order
as it was written, following the numbers.

I am German, therefore my English is sometimes faulty.

Maybe you have stumbled upon this blog not as a potential match.
Please wait a short moment before zapping.

Do you know anybody, who could be my mindmate?
Your neighbour, brother, uncle, cousin, colleague, friend?
If so, please tell him to look at this blog.
While you have no reason to do this for me,
a stranger, maybe you can make someone happy, for whom you care.

Do you have your own webpage or blog,
which someone like my mindmate to be found probably reads?
If so, please mention my quest and add a link to this blog.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

123. Premature Involvement is a Hazard to Women's Dignity

Premature Involvement is a Hazard to Women's Dignity

A woman, who is sensitive, healthy, and whose promiscuity-inhibition has not been destroyed, experiences the beginning of physical intimacy at least as a strong enhancement of any preexisting attachment, it creates the bond of intrinsic commitment.   The following is about such a woman and not about all women. 

A woman's decision to seal a bond by the physical marriage, with or without formal marriage, is based on two evaluations:   The woman feels enough emotional and mental intimacy to justify it, and she assumes, that the man feels the same, because she is convinced, that he is not a manipulative psychopath but able to get bonded. 

If her judgement, that he feels the same, is an error, the she gets involved on the wrong premise, that he feels the same emotional and mental intimacy as she does.  The result is the situation, that the woman feels bonded in a relationship with a man, who is not committed.  

She then expects from him all the behavior and attitudes of commitment, mutual trust, reliability, predictability, responsibility, binding obligations, sharing his feelings, information, decisions, in short all, that makes the relationship a safe haven and a place of security. 

But for him, there is no commitment, and lack of commitment makes his behavior toxic for her, his lack of commitment behavior destroys the relationship. 

There are three possible outcomes from this situation:
1.   The man is capable to be bonded, the involvement was just precipitate.   He cares about the woman's wellbeing, asks her, what of his behavior is toxic for her and as a consequence he changes his behavior.   That means, he deliberately behaves like a bonded man by learning from her, what behavior would be natural and spontaneous by intrinsic commitment.   He accepts to act temporarily by submitting to the requirements of extrinsic commitment, until he grows into feeling intrinsic commitment. 
2.  He is ignorant, that she experiences his behavior as toxic or in any way inappropriate.  Therefore she gives him feedback, she gives him a chance to learn.  If he continues his toxic behavior, then she can interpret his behavior in two ways:
2.1.   He is capable to be held responsible, and he feels no remorse and guilt, then she has to acknowledge, that she has got involved with a jerk, who is morally unsuitable.    Her love for him turns into anger and outrage.
2.2.   He is too immature and psychologically troubled to comprehend, why his behavior is toxic for her.   She discovers, that she got involved with a pathetic helpless creature.  Her love turns into compassion and pity. 
In both cases, she looses the respect for him as an equal being, and starts to despise him.  Therefore, by getting involved with him by error of judgement, she has hurt her own dignity.   She had the illusion of having mutually created a bond of commitment between his and her inseparable mind and body, but in reality, she had allowed a worthless man to use her body.   

There is only one way to avoid hurting her dignity.   That is to postpone physical involvement, until she estimates the probability of his feeling sufficient mental and emotional intimacy as very high.    It may need hundreds of hours of intense constructive communication to reach this point.   For the woman, this is well invested time and effort.   Because if during this process she discovers, that the man is not suitable, she can refrain from further pursuit with her dignity unharmed.  

Unfortunately, most men's brains are fogged by their instincts.   The higher their instinctivity, the worse it is.   The fog in their brain distorts their perception.   They drool over a woman's body, and they are oblivious that this means inappropriate disrespect for her dignity.   Logically, it is an illusion to expect these men to even consider to avoid harming a woman's dignity, while they do not even know, that it exists.   
Therefore, it is entirely the woman's own responsibility to protect her dignity.   She cannot expect any empathy or support from a man for the protection of her dignity, she is forced to protect it against his instincts. 

When the still uninvolved man does something inappropriate to her, she is not responsible for being hurt as the target of this behavior.  She has made no mistake for which to blame herself.  If the behavior is bad enough, she can end the contact with no impact upon her self-respect.    
But when the involved partner does the same hurting act, her getting aware, that he is worthless, causes much more pain.  She can blame the man only for the inappropriate behavior.   But only she herself is responsible for hurting her own dignity by letting a worthless man use her body.  She consented by her own error, her own bad judgement, her own stupidity, by her own weakness.   She can only blame and reproach herself for the damage to her self-respect. 

Therefore my search for a mindmate, who is hypoanimalistic, monogamous, non-promiscuous, mature to bond by intrinsic commitment as a devoted couple is also an attempt to find a relationship without a risk to my dignity. 


This is in reply to the comment.   
Have you been in relationships in the past? How come it didn't work out?

This blog is about what and whom I am looking for and whom not.  I am revealing as much as I consider necessary to explain my quest.  Beyond that, my personal life history is private.   When I find a mindmate, I will tell him all about myself, as soon as there is a basis of trust.