I am a woman born 1949 and my quest is to find a mindmate
to grow old together as a mutually devoted couple
in a relationship based upon the
egalitarian rational commitment paradigm
bonded by intrinsic commitment
as each other's safe haven and secure basis.

The purpose of this blog is to enable the right man
to recognize us as reciprocal mindmates and
to encourage him to contact me:

The entries directly concerning,
who could be my mindmate,
are mainly at the beginning.
If this is your predominant interest,
I suggest to read this blog in the same order
as it was written, following the numbers.

I am German, therefore my English is sometimes faulty.

Maybe you have stumbled upon this blog not as a potential match.
Please wait a short moment before zapping.

Do you know anybody, who could be my mindmate?
Your neighbour, brother, uncle, cousin, colleague, friend?
If so, please tell him to look at this blog.
While you have no reason to do this for me,
a stranger, maybe you can make someone happy, for whom you care.

Do you have your own webpage or blog,
which someone like my mindmate to be found probably reads?
If so, please mention my quest and add a link to this blog.

Friday, October 22, 2010

116. Unsuitable Men 3: Confounding a Partner with a Source of Narcissistic Supply

Unsuitable Men 3: Confounding a Partner with a Source of Narcissistic Supply

A narcissist gets involved with a woman for the purpose of obtaining a reliable and always available source of narcissistic supply.    If the woman is slightly inferior but not too low, then this is the optimal kind of supply for his needs,.   Because the higher a narcissist evaluates the person admiring and adulating him, the more he values the narcissistic supply.   But if the woman is not inferior, she does not give him such supply but insists instead to be treated like an equal. 
Only in the case, that a woman acknowledges her inferiority, and delivers the narcissistic supply in exchange for something of value to her, this could work. 
But when the woman considers herself as his equal, while he needs her inferiority, this makes the relationship toxic for the woman.   The woman can be wise, educated, mature, she can attempt to care for him, to support him, to be understanding for his problems, this is her reality only and improves nothing for her.   He needs her inferiority, so she has to be inferior in his subjective perception, even if this means that his perception of the reality is distorted and that he is in full denial of most or even all of her qualities.   He has the grandiosity delusion of her being inferior, and logically only to himself, he treats her as inferior.    

He feels superior, and that means, that he also feels capable to know better than her, what to do.  Therefore he has an entitlement delusion, that justifies, that he dominates and gets his will. If she dares to disagree, than the delusion allows him to impose his will upon her as his moral right.   He decides without consulting her, and her role is to comply.   He dominates by either just doing, what he wants to do, or by threatening and coercing her to comply.
He projects his own narcissistic needs upon her, but with a distorted perspective.   Her struggle against his unwarranted dominance and for equality is perceived by him as if she would want to dominate herself and get narcissistic supply too.

When the struggle gets so bad, that getting narcissistic supply out of her becomes too tiresome and difficult, he dumps her without a bad conscience, because he believes that she has failed in her duty to him.