I am a woman born 1949 and my quest is to find a mindmate
to grow old together as a mutually devoted couple
in a relationship based upon the
egalitarian rational commitment paradigm
bonded by intrinsic commitment
as each other's safe haven and secure basis.

The purpose of this blog is to enable the right man
to recognize us as reciprocal mindmates and
to encourage him to contact me:

The entries directly concerning,
who could be my mindmate,
are mainly at the beginning.
If this is your predominant interest,
I suggest to read this blog in the same order
as it was written, following the numbers.

I am German, therefore my English is sometimes faulty.

Maybe you have stumbled upon this blog not as a potential match.
Please wait a short moment before zapping.

Do you know anybody, who could be my mindmate?
Your neighbour, brother, uncle, cousin, colleague, friend?
If so, please tell him to look at this blog.
While you have no reason to do this for me,
a stranger, maybe you can make someone happy, for whom you care.

Do you have your own webpage or blog,
which someone like my mindmate to be found probably reads?
If so, please mention my quest and add a link to this blog.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

113. Unsuitable Men: Immature Bonding-Disability

Unsuitable Men: Immature Bonding-Disability

I explained already, why promiscuous men can be devastating to bonding women.   I omitted one variety, semi-promiscuity:
The semi-promiscuous man gets infatuated with a specific woman's body, and just as the promiscuous man, he develops no bond with her personality, and he knows it.  But instead of replacing every female body after the first use, he continues to use the same body as if by subscription, until he tires of her.   He may just not be inclined to chase, or it is not easy to find another so often.   But he has to be distinguished from the bonding-disabled man, who superficially seems to behave in a similar way.

So far, it is obvious, that I will not get near any promiscuous men, they are unsuitable.   But there are other unsuitable men, those with a non-promiscuous bonding-disability in combination with immaturity and who are no psychopaths.   Even though they are also tragic to themselves, they are a very serious hazard to bonding women, because they do not even know themselves, that they are such hazards.  

Imagine a wolf in a sheep skin, who looks into a mirror and believes from what he sees, that he is indeed himself a sheep.   But his behavior is still that of a wolf.  Therefore he hurts all sheep, who come close enough to him, because he appears to be a fellow sheep.   He is oblivious of hurting the sheep.

I am using the expression Bonding-Disability for the special case, that someone lives in a monogamous and apparently intact relationship, but without forming a bond with his partner, not becoming a devoted couple bound by intrinsic commitment (entry 98), even though his promiscuity inhibition has not been destroyed.  
The word 'love' has so many different meanings in different situation and for different people, it is too ambiguous and vague, I prefer to call it bonding, when two partners merge into becoming a mutually devoted couple.

There are lots of reasons besides promiscuity, why mature people may not be able to bond, but that is a topic for another entry.    This is only about the combination of bonding-disability and immaturity.
Immature bonding-disabled men
- enter a relationship without accepting obligations
- perceive a relationship as asymmetrically serving their needs only
- dump without a conscience

There is a basic pattern of this bonding-disability and the man afflicted with it:
  • The bonding disability is either a psychological problem of an adult being stuck in the immaturity of a child or is a neurological problem of some peculiarity in his brain.
  • Outwardly he displays the decency and level of morals of a well educated teenager or child.   He does not lie, he does not cheat.  He sincerely believes to be a decent partner behaving correctly.  
  • He is ignorant of the moral and emotional obligations connected with commitment.   He lacks the capability to feel responsible and accountable for what he does.    He does not consciously fail to fulfill obligations, he is oblivious of having accepted them implicitly by getting involved.
  • He believes in all sincerity, that he loves the woman, but whatever he feels, it is far from bonding, devotion or the kind of love, that she feels and needs from him.  He has the delusion of giving the woman, what she wants, but he has no clue, what she is missing or even that there is something important missing in her perception.
  • They are physically together but emotionally alone in an asymmetrical relationship.   He decides, what benefits and advantages he wants and takes from her.  He defines her role in his life.   What else she offers, would be of high value to a bonded partner.   His bonding-disability makes him mindblind to even perceive, that she has anything to offer beyond what he takes.   He is alone because the capacity to bond does not exist in his predispositions, and she is alone, because bonding is impossible without a bonding partner.  
  • He perceives her as inferior without doubting this.   He is not capable to profit emotionally from her wisdom, maturity, education as a potential provider of support and of the emotional home of being a mutually devoted couple.  
  • He appears on the outside to behave as if he were bonded.   This enhances the disaster for a woman, who not only feels herself in a secure situation to get bonded without emotional risk, but who also may spend some time under the delusion of mutual bonding, until her illusion gets shattered.
  • He sincerely believes to fulfil her needs, but he only projects his own needs upon her or he makes assumptions without verifying them in communication with her.   Whatever he wants from her, he projects, that she would want the same from him.   Whatever he gives to her, he believes is what she wants and needs.   But her mind, her non-physical needs, her feelings, her personality do not exist, because he is completely mindblind to perceive them.   He is incapable to bond his mind to a mind, of whose existence he is completely oblivious.  
  • He has no conscience and he never feels guilty for anything, that he does to her.  He has the delusion to be a loving partner and to treat her correctly.   Whenever she gives him feedback, that she feels hurt by his behavior, he sincerely believes, that there is something wrong with her.   If she is with him and she suffers, then he believes that she needs to improve and to be fixed.    He is convinced that the relationship could last, if she would accept his behavior as correct and appropriate.   He has no insight, that his own behavior is toxic.  
  • It lasts, until the woman does not serve his needs anymore.  Then he dumps or deposits her at his convenience without any bad conscience.   Not serving his needs is in his opinion automatically an indication, that she is defective.   She cannot avoid being dumped first.  By feeling bonded and by feeling compassion she gives him too many chances, before she acknowledges the futility.   Thus he dumps her, before she is ready to give up and free herself.   She cannot avoid being dumped as defective, because no healthy woman feeling bonded can persist under his toxic treatment without getting devastated.   

There can be varieties of this pattern, but they are not mutually exclusive.   Any bonding-disabled man could be afflicted by any combination of them.   The resulting experience of the woman is similar.   

Variety 1.  Bonding-Disability by confounding a woman with a dog with benefits.  

I already described this scenario in entry 30.   The bonding-disabled man has a clear conscience, as long as he cares for her in a way, that the animal protection society would approve of for a dog.   He feels entitled to leave her and retrieve her at his convenience, just like a dog, therefore he has no bad conscience for what by her and by other mature people is defined as dumping.    

More varieties will be described in future entries.