I am a woman born 1949 and my quest is to find a mindmate
to grow old together as a mutually devoted couple
in a relationship based upon the
egalitarian rational commitment paradigm
bonded by intrinsic commitment
as each other's safe haven and secure basis.

The purpose of this blog is to enable the right man
to recognize us as reciprocal mindmates and
to encourage him to contact me:

The entries directly concerning,
who could be my mindmate,
are mainly at the beginning.
If this is your predominant interest,
I suggest to read this blog in the same order
as it was written, following the numbers.

I am German, therefore my English is sometimes faulty.

Maybe you have stumbled upon this blog not as a potential match.
Please wait a short moment before zapping.

Do you know anybody, who could be my mindmate?
Your neighbour, brother, uncle, cousin, colleague, friend?
If so, please tell him to look at this blog.
While you have no reason to do this for me,
a stranger, maybe you can make someone happy, for whom you care.

Do you have your own webpage or blog,
which someone like my mindmate to be found probably reads?
If so, please mention my quest and add a link to this blog.

Friday, September 10, 2010

70. Dire Consequences of the Clinging-Phobia

Dire Consequences of the Clinging-Phobia

Reading profiles of men in my age group, I again and again find them putting emphasis on independence, personal space, being more involved in work then lonely, not being needy,  being happy alone and other ways of putting words to what in reality is a clinging phobia.

So many men above 60 seem to be in full denial, that by submission to the clinging phobia, they are determining now their own fate when older.

They are in full denial of several facts:

1.   Breeders hope, with or without justification, that their progeny will take care of them, when they are getting old.  
If single non-breeders live long enough, they will most probably spend the rest of their lives in a nursing home.   
Couples can support and help each other mutually, when they get frail and sick, together they can avoid or delay the need for a nursing home.

2.  Their life expectancy is at stake:

"While for many years demographers found that men in spousal relationships lived longer than women in the same situation, recent Australian Bureau of Statistics (ABS) data on death rates shows people living in intimate relationships - both men and women - have lower death rates than single people in almost all age groups. "

"The difference spikes in the 70-84 year old age group where the death rate for single people is almost double that of their married friends."


3.  At 60, even when still being fully healthy, it is an illusion to expect to have an unlimited time of health and wellbeing ahead.   Serious illness could strike at any moment.  

4.  I bluntly admit this, and if people were honest to themselves, most of them would agree: 
I am not a nurse nor a caretaker.   I am not on this globe to make onesided sacrifices for others.   For this reason I neither want children nor pets, as I explained already.   If someone is already seriously ill, I am not motivated to get involved with him to support and care for him immediately.   
But a relationship for the rest of the life is for better and for worse, and once there is commitment, I will not hesitate to do anything possible for a partner and not desert someone, who needs my care. 

What would motivate me to care, would be a bond of deep attachment.   Infatuation for young people can start at first sight.   But such a deep bond needs time to grow by sharing rewarding experiences and getting to know each other really well.    As long as there is enough mental and physical health, my mindmate and I could spend some years creating such a bond, focusing on travelling together, hiking together, visiting museums, art exhibitions and ancient sites together, communicate about our impressions and thoughts, but also about books and movies and much more.   
The bond does not grow automatically with the duration of the relationship, if both live separate lives, even when they share the same roof.   The bond grows with communication and quality time shared.    A bond is more than the habit of someone's presence. 
If someone has the clinging-phobia, if he restricts the common ground and shared times, if he excludes me from much of his life, if too much other matters are more important than the partner, then he impedes the growing of a deep bond.  

After creating such a bond, taking care of each other would not be an unpleasant duty or a sacrifice, as for me it would be of any being, that has no brain to enable this kind of attachment.  

Therefore, every man (or every person) above 60, who has the delusion not to need anybody and still having a long life ahead, should better wake up and face reality.