I am a woman born 1949 and my quest is to find a mindmate
to grow old together as a mutually devoted couple
in a relationship based upon the
egalitarian rational commitment paradigm
bonded by intrinsic commitment
as each other's safe haven and secure basis.

The purpose of this blog is to enable the right man
to recognize us as reciprocal mindmates and
to encourage him to contact me:

The entries directly concerning,
who could be my mindmate,
are mainly at the beginning.
If this is your predominant interest,
I suggest to read this blog in the same order
as it was written, following the numbers.

I am German, therefore my English is sometimes faulty.

Maybe you have stumbled upon this blog not as a potential match.
Please wait a short moment before zapping.

Do you know anybody, who could be my mindmate?
Your neighbour, brother, uncle, cousin, colleague, friend?
If so, please tell him to look at this blog.
While you have no reason to do this for me,
a stranger, maybe you can make someone happy, for whom you care.

Do you have your own webpage or blog,
which someone like my mindmate to be found probably reads?
If so, please mention my quest and add a link to this blog.

Monday, December 6, 2010

176. Creating Commitment - 2 - The Engagement Pact

Creating Commitment - 2 - The Engagement Pact

This is the continuation of entry 174.

The Engagement Pact

The decision phase ends with the engagement pact.   Such a pact includes an explicit agreement to refrain from any behavior, that has been defined as a transgression, and especially from dumping.   
1.  That means, that just as becoming engaged is a shared decision, ending the engagement also has to be a shared decision after discussing all issues.   Ending the engagement without a discussion can only be justified as a reaction to a serious transgression of the other.  
2.  All contact with deactivated intimate partners has to end.   All close platonic friendships with persons of the opposite gender, that are ok for a single person, especially if they had also been potential mates, have to either end or to be explicitly reduced to emotionally distant acquaintances, they are informed of the pact and of their restricted role henceforth.   

If someone perceives this pact as a sacrifice or as a constraint, then we are either not compatible or not yet ready for that pact.    This pact can only be justified, when both partners perceive its conditions as consistent and congruent with their own value system and needs.  
The main justification for expecting a man to agree to this pact is his own need, that I also adhere to the pact.   If a man would only agree to such a pact to please me, that would not be a valid motivation.  
A man's valid reason to agree on not dumping would be, that he would want to feel safe from being dumped himself.    A man's valid reason to remove competition would be, that he would feel rightfully jealous himself in situation of such a competition.   
In short, the pact is based upon enough mutual interest, appreciation and value, that we both would feel hurt if dumped and feel jealous by inappropriate contact with other persons of the opposite gender.  

If a decent hypoanimalistic man does not feel comfortable with this pact, then I am not the woman, whom he really wants and he better continues to find her elsewhere.  
If any man cannot appreciate, respect and value me enough to accept such a pact as a logical step towards committed and devoted bonding, then he probably is a jerk, who would never be trustworthy and who would never be committed and bonded.  

More to follow in another entry.