Creating Commitment - 2 - The Engagement Pact
This is the continuation of entry 174.
The Engagement Pact
The decision phase ends with the engagement pact. Such a pact includes an explicit agreement to refrain from any behavior, that has been defined as a transgression, and especially from dumping.
1. That means, that just as becoming engaged is a shared decision, ending the engagement also has to be a shared decision after discussing all issues. Ending the engagement without a discussion can only be justified as a reaction to a serious transgression of the other.
2. All contact with deactivated intimate partners has to end. All close platonic friendships with persons of the opposite gender, that are ok for a single person, especially if they had also been potential mates, have to either end or to be explicitly reduced to emotionally distant acquaintances, they are informed of the pact and of their restricted role henceforth.
If someone perceives this pact as a sacrifice or as a constraint, then we are either not compatible or not yet ready for that pact. This pact can only be justified, when both partners perceive its conditions as consistent and congruent with their own value system and needs.
The main justification for expecting a man to agree to this pact is his own need, that I also adhere to the pact. If a man would only agree to such a pact to please me, that would not be a valid motivation.
A man's valid reason to agree on not dumping would be, that he would want to feel safe from being dumped himself. A man's valid reason to remove competition would be, that he would feel rightfully jealous himself in situation of such a competition.
In short, the pact is based upon enough mutual interest, appreciation and value, that we both would feel hurt if dumped and feel jealous by inappropriate contact with other persons of the opposite gender.
If a decent hypoanimalistic man does not feel comfortable with this pact, then I am not the woman, whom he really wants and he better continues to find her elsewhere.
If any man cannot appreciate, respect and value me enough to accept such a pact as a logical step towards committed and devoted bonding, then he probably is a jerk, who would never be trustworthy and who would never be committed and bonded.
More to follow in another entry.
This is the continuation of entry 174.
The Engagement Pact
The decision phase ends with the engagement pact. Such a pact includes an explicit agreement to refrain from any behavior, that has been defined as a transgression, and especially from dumping.
1. That means, that just as becoming engaged is a shared decision, ending the engagement also has to be a shared decision after discussing all issues. Ending the engagement without a discussion can only be justified as a reaction to a serious transgression of the other.
2. All contact with deactivated intimate partners has to end. All close platonic friendships with persons of the opposite gender, that are ok for a single person, especially if they had also been potential mates, have to either end or to be explicitly reduced to emotionally distant acquaintances, they are informed of the pact and of their restricted role henceforth.
If someone perceives this pact as a sacrifice or as a constraint, then we are either not compatible or not yet ready for that pact. This pact can only be justified, when both partners perceive its conditions as consistent and congruent with their own value system and needs.
The main justification for expecting a man to agree to this pact is his own need, that I also adhere to the pact. If a man would only agree to such a pact to please me, that would not be a valid motivation.
A man's valid reason to agree on not dumping would be, that he would want to feel safe from being dumped himself. A man's valid reason to remove competition would be, that he would feel rightfully jealous himself in situation of such a competition.
In short, the pact is based upon enough mutual interest, appreciation and value, that we both would feel hurt if dumped and feel jealous by inappropriate contact with other persons of the opposite gender.
If a decent hypoanimalistic man does not feel comfortable with this pact, then I am not the woman, whom he really wants and he better continues to find her elsewhere.
If any man cannot appreciate, respect and value me enough to accept such a pact as a logical step towards committed and devoted bonding, then he probably is a jerk, who would never be trustworthy and who would never be committed and bonded.
More to follow in another entry.
