I am a woman born 1949 and my quest is to find a mindmate
to grow old together as a mutually devoted couple
in a relationship based upon the
egalitarian rational commitment paradigm
bonded by intrinsic commitment
as each other's safe haven and secure basis.

The purpose of this blog is to enable the right man
to recognize us as reciprocal mindmates and
to encourage him to contact me:

The entries directly concerning,
who could be my mindmate,
are mainly at the beginning.
If this is your predominant interest,
I suggest to read this blog in the same order
as it was written, following the numbers.

I am German, therefore my English is sometimes faulty.

Maybe you have stumbled upon this blog not as a potential match.
Please wait a short moment before zapping.

Do you know anybody, who could be my mindmate?
Your neighbour, brother, uncle, cousin, colleague, friend?
If so, please tell him to look at this blog.
While you have no reason to do this for me,
a stranger, maybe you can make someone happy, for whom you care.

Do you have your own webpage or blog,
which someone like my mindmate to be found probably reads?
If so, please mention my quest and add a link to this blog.

Thursday, December 30, 2010

196. Equality or Dominance

Equality or Dominance

The laws of all modern societies proclaim equality for women, because women are mentally and intellectually equal to men.    In many African countries, polygamy is still legal.   But even while equality is prescribed by law, men's greater physical strength gives them one big advantage over women.   I already described it in entry 14. about threat and fear.   

Nearly all men are physically capable to strangle, beat up, rape or mutilate any woman with nothing but their bare hands.    Most women would need a weapon to have even a slight chance to defend themselves or to do any damage to a man.   
But a man does not even need to actually do physical harm to a woman.    Whenever he gets aggressive, angry, raging, just verbally and in his body language, this threatens, intimidates and scares her.    She can never know, how long his self-restraint will last, and when he will turn into a ferocious beast.   

Therefore a man has a choice, that a woman is lacking.    He can decide, if he wants to dominate or to behave as an equal partner.    Once he has a woman under his control, he has the power to force his domination upon her.  

The woman has one choice only, she can stay away from a man, if she knows early enough, that his choice is domination, and if the circumstances allow it, she can leave the dominating man.  But she has no means, no chance, no influence to get equality from a man, who decides to dominate.   Once she is under his control, she is at his mercy.  
If the woman is a breeder, she is even more vulnerable.   Except in modern welfare systems and countries with a very good labor market, a mother of small children depends on the man as a provider, while he does not depend on her.  

This has dire consequences:

1.   A woman, who is trapped by the power of a dominating man, is forced to practice external submission to avoid the risk of serious harm.    Of course, her enforced external submission is not a proof of her inferiority.   
The dominating man has two gigantic flaws in his thinking:
1.1.   He believes that being physically stronger means, that he is also intellectually superior.
1.2.   He believes that her submission is the proof of her inferiority, and in a vicious circle this belief enhances his belief in his justification to dominate.    
He grows into these believes from the role models he sees as a child.
It is tragic for the woman, that the man dominates her by physical strength, but believes to dominate by intellectual superiority.

2.   When someone accepts a compromise as fair, it generally is by meeting half-way between what both would want.    When a man is willing to compromise between his wish to profit from his innate privilege to enforce dominance, and a woman wants equality, then such a compromise would not be equality, but it would still be dominance, only less and in a milder version.    True equality means a man's renunciation of all privileges, that his superior physical strength gives him over the woman.    Many men are not willing to do so, because they are too much driven by instincts, while they do no value the intellectual and emotional benefits of equality.  

3.    Accepting full equality is subjectively in the man's experience the renouncing of the privileges of dominance without getting anything in return.   The woman has no privileges to renounce as her part of the bargain.   He feels like giving alms to the woman, when he gives up some of his innate privileges.    Often he expects to get something in return and the relationship becomes asymmetrical.   While he appears to have accepted equality, in reality he perceives to have bought from her the gratitude, that obliges her to put his needs above hers, and again, there is submission.   It is a subtle and different form of dominance under the disguise of equality.    

4.   The man has been born with the innate power to impose his conditions on a woman for the purpose to get privileges in a relationship.    Therefore his baseline of what is normal, correct and appropriate is not the same as the woman's baseline.    A man is often completely unable to even know, what true equality means for a woman.  
Even in the best of all situations, when a man does agree to be equals, without his having any privileges, many times men and women define and perceive equality as very different.    What a man sincerely defines as equality is in the woman's perception and experience just reduced domination.    What a woman defines as equality, a man perceives it as the woman's attempt to dominate him.    This leads to a lot of disruption.

To sum it up:   I assume, that the more a man is proud of his body and the more he identifies with his physical strength, the higher the risk for a woman to be dominated.    While a man, who identifies with his intellectuality, where he can experience women as equals, is more able to treat a woman as an equal.
Therefore, everything else the same, if there were two men, one a stud and a package of muscles due to spending 10 hours per week at the gym, the other has never seen a gym from inside and spends his 10 hours reading good books, being physically weak but intellectually strong, I would not hesitate one second to choose the intellectual.    I would be prone to trust the intellectual and to be scared of the stud.