I am a woman born 1949 and my quest is to find a mindmate
to grow old together as a mutually devoted couple
in a relationship based upon the
egalitarian rational commitment paradigm
bonded by intrinsic commitment
as each other's safe haven and secure basis.

The purpose of this blog is to enable the right man
to recognize us as reciprocal mindmates and
to encourage him to contact me:

The entries directly concerning,
who could be my mindmate,
are mainly at the beginning.
If this is your predominant interest,
I suggest to read this blog in the same order
as it was written, following the numbers.

I am German, therefore my English is sometimes faulty.

Maybe you have stumbled upon this blog not as a potential match.
Please wait a short moment before zapping.

Do you know anybody, who could be my mindmate?
Your neighbour, brother, uncle, cousin, colleague, friend?
If so, please tell him to look at this blog.
While you have no reason to do this for me,
a stranger, maybe you can make someone happy, for whom you care.

Do you have your own webpage or blog,
which someone like my mindmate to be found probably reads?
If so, please mention my quest and add a link to this blog.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

82. Identity and Forgiving

Identity and Forgiving

In entry 19  (Myth of Unconditional Love) I already mentioned the fundamental difference between forgiving as a process between two partners in a dyad and people, for whom forgiving includes a deity between, so that a triad is involved.

There are also two different principles of forgiving, earned forgiving and self-abasing forgiving, and it is related to the two identities.  

People with the identity of individuals choose, with whom to be and whom to avoid.    They judge, who deserves to be with, and who not.   People with the particle identity, especially breeders, get themselves often entangled with people without a choice to end the entanglement.  

1.   Two hypoanimalistic individuals can decide to become committed and to create together an emotional home, supplying mutually safety and security, based upon being trustworthy, reliable and predictable.    Transgressions would destroy this.  

To avoid transgressions, both need to share enough basic values and attitudes to have consent, what they would consider as transgressions.  

Once a transgression has happened, an ethical disequilibrium has been created.   The one, who has done wrong, has a moral debt to the other.   The one, who has been wronged, feels injustice, outrage, anger.    The one, who has done the wrong, may either feel guilt and remorse or not be aware of the transgression.  
In both cases, repairing the emotional home requires that the transgressor earns forgiving in a way, that the transgressee can overcome the bad feelings and can rely on the probability, that the same transgression will not be repeated in the future.    Earning forgiveness needs to heal the hurt pride and dignity of the transgressee, whatever it takes from the transgressor.  
This implies the rational insight of the transgressor of what exactly he had done wrong, acknowledging it, feeling and expressing remorse, making amends and a pledge not to repeat it.   Those steps lead to a rational justification for the transgressee to forgive by having been given justice.    The emotional home is repaired.

But if the transgressor refuses to earn forgiveness, then the relationship is fundamentally destroyed.    The transgressor has put himself above the transgressee, he has degraded him as someone deserving unacceptable treatment.   This is a humiliation, that the transgressee with pride and dignity cannot allow himself to submit to.    In this situation, the transgressee has only one option to preserve his self-esteem and dignity, that is to remove the unworthy transgressor radically out of his life.   If a transgressor does not earn forgiveness, then he has forfeited to be good enough to be in contact with.   

Therefore two partners in the ERCP either end every transgression with earning forgiveness to restore the equilibrium, or they end the relationship.    Unearned forgiving would destroy equality as a consequence of the devaluation of the partner, who had been wronged without amends.

2.  People with the particles identity, who are entangled with people, whom they are either legally or genetically connected to as parents and children, siblings and even self-chosen and dependent on, are getting into a difficult situation, when they get seriously wronged by someone, who refuses to earn any forgiving.   For various reasons, they cannot just severe all ties to the unworthy transgressor, and the transgression hurts deeply.    This is, where the deity comes in again.  They cannot forgive without a justification, but they need to heal.   Forgiving without amends it self-abasement and they do not want to feel this.   So they forgive as a perceived duty to the deity, with the delusion, that the deity at some time in the future, either in this or in the next life, with create justice and make the transgressor pay his debts.  

Unfortunately, while unearned forgiving in hope for deity justice helps the transgressees to avoid feeling the self-degradation and self-abasement of it, they have the concept, that it would be good for everybody.   Worse, if they think that as they forgive unearned, they can expect to also be forgiven by others without earning forgiveness.    This might even lower their own threshold for allowing themselves to transgress.    

Therefore, like for many other reasons, for persons with an individualistic identity, close contact with persons with the particles identity can be emotionally a big hazard.  

Personally, I will never ever forgive anything, except my forgiveness is earned, and my mindmate with be the same and he will never expect to be forgiven without having it earned.