I am a woman born 1949 and my quest is to find a mindmate
to grow old together as a mutually devoted couple
in a relationship based upon the
egalitarian rational commitment paradigm
bonded by intrinsic commitment
as each other's safe haven and secure basis.

The purpose of this blog is to enable the right man
to recognize us as reciprocal mindmates and
to encourage him to contact me:

The entries directly concerning,
who could be my mindmate,
are mainly at the beginning.
If this is your predominant interest,
I suggest to read this blog in the same order
as it was written, following the numbers.

I am German, therefore my English is sometimes faulty.

Maybe you have stumbled upon this blog not as a potential match.
Please wait a short moment before zapping.

Do you know anybody, who could be my mindmate?
Your neighbour, brother, uncle, cousin, colleague, friend?
If so, please tell him to look at this blog.
While you have no reason to do this for me,
a stranger, maybe you can make someone happy, for whom you care.

Do you have your own webpage or blog,
which someone like my mindmate to be found probably reads?
If so, please mention my quest and add a link to this blog.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

148. Reciprocity and Mutuality

Reciprocity and Mutuality

This blog is about my personal search for a mindmate, focusing on what I want and what I do not want in a relationship.    I may appear as detached and factual as if writing advice for others, and I am sometimes generalising.   But I am writing from my subjective perspective.  Therefore I have written a lot about what makes men unsuitable, what behavior I require from a man and what I do not accept.   It may appear as if I were demanding more than I were willing to give.  

Therefore it is time to declare explicitly:   Whatever I want, it is based on my acceptance of reciprocity and mutuality.   This means, that every time I mention something that I require of someone, I check the reciprocal position.   I ask myself, if I am able to give and to do the same for the other.   

This is the core of the egalitarian principle, of a symmetrical relationship based upon reciprocity.   I expect in return, what I am able and willing to give.    What I cannot give, I do not expect.  

That principle can only work, when people share their basic values.   The values determine, what someone wants from a relationship and what someone is willing to give and to invest.  
If one expects and demands, what the other cannot give, these two person are not compatible and should not get involved.  
A relationship can work, when both take responsibility to do their fair share in the balance of giving and taking.    It is part of taking responsibility for the own actions as explained in entry 146.  


Later Addition:   I gave this entry the title 'Reciprocity and Mutuality' and I omitted the reason, why I used both words.   Both are describing the symmetry of giving and receiving something.   But in my understanding, there is a difference.   Mutuality means doing the same thing to each other at about the same time.   Reciprocity is more generally returning a favor with a different favor, and there can be a long delay between.  
Exchanging gifts for christmas is mutuality, gifts to each other's birthday are reciprocity.