I am a woman born 1949 and my quest is to find a mindmate
to grow old together as a mutually devoted couple
in a relationship based upon the
egalitarian rational commitment paradigm
bonded by intrinsic commitment
as each other's safe haven and secure basis.

The purpose of this blog is to enable the right man
to recognize us as reciprocal mindmates and
to encourage him to contact me:

The entries directly concerning,
who could be my mindmate,
are mainly at the beginning.
If this is your predominant interest,
I suggest to read this blog in the same order
as it was written, following the numbers.

I am German, therefore my English is sometimes faulty.

Maybe you have stumbled upon this blog not as a potential match.
Please wait a short moment before zapping.

Do you know anybody, who could be my mindmate?
Your neighbour, brother, uncle, cousin, colleague, friend?
If so, please tell him to look at this blog.
While you have no reason to do this for me,
a stranger, maybe you can make someone happy, for whom you care.

Do you have your own webpage or blog,
which someone like my mindmate to be found probably reads?
If so, please mention my quest and add a link to this blog.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

155. The Love Bank

The Love Bank

I really like the concept of the Love Bank.   The full explanation can be found here:

In short, the concept says, that in a relationship, each partner is the bookkeeper of an account of the other partner's treatment.   Treating the other with care means making deposits into the account, treating the other bad means making withdrawals from the account.   When the withdrawals reach the credit limit of the person, then love is dead and it is the end of the relationship.   

It is a great concept, but it needs some elaborations, that I could not find mentioned anywhere.

If a couple wants to consciously use this concept, there needs to be a few conditions met:
1.   They share basic values and attitudes.   Based on this, they are capable to agree on how much deposit or withdrawal is the consequence of specific actions and behaviors.
2.   They both acknowledge, that the real value of the account is the one seen from the perspective of the bookkeeper, who is the target and receptive side of the behaviors.
3.   The communicate and inform each other of the current account balance, before it is too late.  

Based on these conditions, a mature caring couple can work on making a relationship a happy one.    This is something, that I would like my mindmate to cooperate in with me. 

But this concept also is a good method to show, why a mature, decent and caring woman and a jerk are not compatible, and why I do not want to have anything to do with a jerk.  

The reasons are the lack of the basic conditions.  
1.   The concept lists typical 'love busters':  
- Angry outbursts
- Criticalness
- Dishonesty
- Annoying Behavior
- Selfish Demands
- Other "bad behavior"
A jerk and the woman as the victim of these have incompatible definitions of the effect of those love busters on the love account.
2.  The jerk does not acknowledge, that the woman as the target is the one, who evaluates the effect upon her love account and thus her love for him.   He believes that he is entitled to define, what has to be her current account balance for him.
3.  He is in denial of her real current account balance and does not verify it with her.

To illustrate this, I will use my four scenarios from entry 124.   

Scenario 1: The jerk coerces the woman by using anger into a restaurant, that is not only not her taste but also too expensive, because she shares expenses with him.
According to the love busters, this is an angry outburst, it is a selfish demand and wasting her money against her will is bad behavior.   Therefore she books this as a considerable withdrawal from his account.   But he does not notice this, nor does he even consider any love busters to exist, because in his own mind, he had got, what he was entitled to.  Subjectively, he did nothing wrong to warrant any withdrawal.   As a consequence, after this transaction, his account is much lower than what he thinks it is.  
The jerk, who behaves like this, does many more things alike, and with time, his account goes so low, that it reaches the credit limit, that the woman is willing to give him.  Most of his behavior leads to a withdrawal, but he lacks the capacity to make deposits.      She closes the account, because she has fallen out of love, while he has no clue, that the account has ever even gone into the red zone.  
The jerk does not comprehend anything, because he is not only ignorant of the effect of his behavior on her, also his disrespect denies, that she is the one to keep the account of what he does and how she feels.    Subjectively he experiences her closing the account as an outrage to his right to dominate, and he angrily demands her to reopen it.   Were the account not closed already, his behavior would withdraw even more from it.    Still he is blind to reality.   She has closed the account, and he has no power on earth to force her to reopen it, no matter how much he rages and attacks her.   
That jerk is just too much a moron, he is incapable to do the only thing, that would give him a chance of her reopening the account.    He would need to be meek and humble, and he would need to make huge deposits to repay all the moral debts, that he had accumulated.   He would have to ask her, what she considers as deposits.   Especially he would need to repay all the open debts from transgressions, for which he never earned forgiveness.   Because earning forgiveness by sincere contrition results in huge deposits.
But a jerk is never meek and humble, no matter, what he has done, so the account stays closed for a jerk.    Before a jerk gets ever meek and humble, all rivers will flow uphill. 

Scenario 2:  She has successfully resisted his intimidation and anger, and they eat at a cute place, that she considers nice.   She considers it a fair compromise, he gets his food, and she enjoys the atmosphere.   But he is angry and grumpy and blames her for having made him continue hungry for an hour.  

Also they are getting into credit by repeated situations of this kind, but both of them with each other.  Whoever has reached the credit limit first, closes the account.   They are not compatible and the relationship is doomed.   
Subjectively, they both experience the other's behavior as equally a reason justifying withdrawal from the love account.   
But from my personal point of view, this guy also is a jerk, whom I would not want.   Because he withdraws probably the same amount for nothing more than an hour of delayed dinner, that is just a trivia and a bit of discomfort, as she withdraws for his degrading her to a utility to serve his needs while not being admitted the equal rights for her needs.   This is a moral transgression, that is much more serious than an hour without food.  

Scenario 3:  They accept the compromise and each enjoys, what is important.   Therefore it is a neutral event, that does not cause any change in the love accounts. 

Scenario 4:   They are a bonded, mature couple.   They both enjoy the other's joy.   Therefore the joy of the shared evening is booked as a deposit in both accounts.  

Therefore, my mindmate is someone to live a life of scenarios 4 and keep depositing in the love bank.