I am a woman born 1949 and my quest is to find a mindmate
to grow old together as a mutually devoted couple
in a relationship based upon the
egalitarian rational commitment paradigm
bonded by intrinsic commitment
as each other's safe haven and secure basis.

The purpose of this blog is to enable the right man
to recognize us as reciprocal mindmates and
to encourage him to contact me:

The entries directly concerning,
who could be my mindmate,
are mainly at the beginning.
If this is your predominant interest,
I suggest to read this blog in the same order
as it was written, following the numbers.

I am German, therefore my English is sometimes faulty.

Maybe you have stumbled upon this blog not as a potential match.
Please wait a short moment before zapping.

Do you know anybody, who could be my mindmate?
Your neighbour, brother, uncle, cousin, colleague, friend?
If so, please tell him to look at this blog.
While you have no reason to do this for me,
a stranger, maybe you can make someone happy, for whom you care.

Do you have your own webpage or blog,
which someone like my mindmate to be found probably reads?
If so, please mention my quest and add a link to this blog.

Friday, October 22, 2010

115. Unsuitable Men 2: Confounding a Partner with a Mother

Unsuitable Men 2:  Confounding a Partner with a Mother

When the man gets involved with a woman, and he has no other role model of previous interaction with a mature adult female, she is at the risk of becoming for him a mother with benefits.   
The relationship between mother and child is asymmetrical, where the mother gives services and benefits and the child perceives her as a nothing more than a source of them, owing her nothing, while she by law is obliged to care for him.   The mother gets biologically addicted to give the child unconditional love, while the child takes her for granted, as a utility to serve his needs.    A child turns to his mother, whenever he wants a need fulfilled, and he feels entitled that she is always there to serve his needs.   When the child has other interests, he pursues them and the mother fades into oblivion, until he returns and wants again something from her.    For the child, the mother's only purpose of existence is being a source of benefits for him.  
He is oblivious, that the mother has a mind, a personality, feelings, needs for herself.  
He feels subjectively being a good kid, when he does, what he is told to do, even when this is only to his own good like attending school.   To care for the mother's needs is beyond his imagination, until he reaches much more maturity.   

At some phase of development, the child goes through obstinacy, opposition and defiance towards the mother.  In this phase, as part of a power struggle, the child does the contrary of what the mother asks for.   But when a man is stuck in this phase and then starts to treat his partner like he behaved with his mother, this turns a relationship into a very toxic experience for any woman.  
Not only does he take it for granted, that he woman has to serve his needs, while she is not considered to have any needs of her own, but due to his defiance she is powerless to avoid being hurt.    If she does not tell him, what hurts her, he continues to repeat it unknowingly.   If she tells him and asks him to stop hurting her, he enjoys his defiant power to repeat on purpose, what hurts her, so it gets worse for her.   Stuck in the defiance of a toddler, it is beyond the comprehension of a bonding-disabled man, that this is a moral transgression.

A child feels entitled to run away from home, when he has the whim, but when the child decides to come back, he expects to be embraced and welcome with the onesided unconditional love of a mother.   But a partner is not a mother, and a man is not entitled to be taken back after having dumped a woman.   A man with this variety of the bonding-disability does not know the difference.   He has the delusion that a dumped woman continues to stay eternally available for him, because he confounds her bonded attachment with the unconditional love of a mother.   Intrinsic commitment is conditional, it ends, when it is not honored by reciprocity.