I am a woman born 1949 and my quest is to find a mindmate
to grow old together as a mutually devoted couple
in a relationship based upon the
egalitarian rational commitment paradigm
bonded by intrinsic commitment
as each other's safe haven and secure basis.

The purpose of this blog is to enable the right man
to recognize us as reciprocal mindmates and
to encourage him to contact me:

The entries directly concerning,
who could be my mindmate,
are mainly at the beginning.
If this is your predominant interest,
I suggest to read this blog in the same order
as it was written, following the numbers.

I am German, therefore my English is sometimes faulty.

Maybe you have stumbled upon this blog not as a potential match.
Please wait a short moment before zapping.

Do you know anybody, who could be my mindmate?
Your neighbour, brother, uncle, cousin, colleague, friend?
If so, please tell him to look at this blog.
While you have no reason to do this for me,
a stranger, maybe you can make someone happy, for whom you care.

Do you have your own webpage or blog,
which someone like my mindmate to be found probably reads?
If so, please mention my quest and add a link to this blog.

Friday, July 2, 2010

2. More About My Quest

1.  Dealbreakers Due To Detrimental Irrational Instinctive Urges

When a person is driven by irrational urges, and his own rationality is too weak to allow him to control those urges, then a partner in a relationship is automatically the target of the consequences of irrational actions. In such a situation, a partner is helpless, because the urges are stronger than the ability to consider the issue in a rational discussion.

Here is a list of some urges, instincts, impulses, which are deal breakers as hazards and threats, if the rational self control of a man is not stronger.

1.1. The hierarchy instinct.     
It is the instinctive urge to compete and acquire a high position in a hierarchy. This in a mild degree may be a requirement in the survival in the professional field.

The dealbreaker:
The urge to compete is strong, and especially when the professional experience of success reinforces it, then the partner in a relationship is also prone to be fought down into a lower position and to be dominated. For every success and won competition, there is the complementary person, who has lost. There is no winner without a loser as collateral damage. Every successful men leaves behind him a trail of unhappy persons deprived of what they might have deserved just as much as he.

My mindmate: With a low level or absence of this urge, someone cooperates and shares options and resources. He might be poor and less successful, but he has not hurt others. If he has no urge to compete, he has no urge to force a power struggle upon me as a partner.

1.2. The procreation instinct.  
This instinct determines the identity as someone perceiving himself not predominantly as an individual, but as the bearer of genes to survive.

The dealbreaker: The man has felt compelled to procreate, he has sacrificed his individual well being in favor of the survival of his genes.  This means that he values children as entitled to be given priority over adults.  A partner will also be automatically considered as less important than the own genes, and logically will have the sacrifices forced upon her too.
Once someone has become a breeder and accepted to make sacrifices in favor of the genes, this inclination will never end, even when the brood is out of the house. The sacrifices will also be made for the grand-children, as they also are bearer of the genes. Since raising the brood is such an act of self-damaging sacrifices, the perceived ties to and the value of the brood is gigantic and no love to a partner can compete with it, because the partner is not genetically related.
In the hypothetical situation of a catastrophe, when a man would have to decide, whom to save, most men would save their offspring and let the partner die. Being aware of this, I could never trust a man with offspring.
Men with progeny also tend to spend their time with work to amass wealth for the purpose of making them inherit it, rather than spend their time with a partner.
In short, the attachment of a parent to the child can be compared to alcoholism, it creates an irreversible craving in the brain.   While the alcoholic craves for alcohol, even though he does not drink, the parent craves to care for his brood, even when they are grown and far away.  To compete against the brood of a partner is futile.   It is a lost endeavor, even though the offspring do not even need to actively compete.   Their emotional priority is carved in stone. 

My mindmate: He is childfree, we are each other's most important person, and nobody is allowed to interfere with it. He knows, that death is the end of the individual life and there is not rational reason to be bothered about the genes.

1.3.  Male promiscuity.
Sexuality as an instinctive urge can contribute additional benefits to a bonded monogamous commitment.   Friendship is based on emotional and intellectual affinity.    When a couple sharing innate monogamy start as each other's best friends based upon intellectual and emotional intimacy, then for them adding and entering physical intimacy creates a very special bond, that can never be undone except by ending all contact.        
For a person with innate monogamy, entering physical intimacy and changing the subjective identity to feeling the commitment of being half a couple are inseparable experiences, two sides of the same coin.   But innate monogamy is a special gift and talent, that is lacking in many men and in some women.   

The dealbreaker:  Any man, for whom copulation with a female body does not automatically create committed attachment, is not suitable for me.
This includes not only men, who cheat, favor polygamy and any kind of non-monogamous arrangements, but also all men, who wish to have 'no strings fun', 'intimate encounters', 'friends with benefits' and other euphemisms used in profiles for being animals from the gutter, lacking true emotional humanity.   
This includes also men consuming pornography, as this is also an expression of the degradation of female bodies as disrespected utilities.
Continuing contact with ex-partners is another indication of a man's promiscuity.    If a man continues the contact with one or several ex-partners, and defines them as friends the same as if there had never been anything more than a platonic friendship, this clearly indicates, that for him physical intimacy is not creating a special bond.         
Would I enter a relationship with a man in persistent contact with exes as friends, I would enter a harem.    He would be one man in relationships with several intimate partners.  The only difference between them would be, how long the physical intimacy has been deactivated.   
Also I cannot trust a man, who ends the relationship with a woman, even though he still respects and considers her as qualifying to be defined as a friend.   If he ends the commitment for such trivial reasons, he is too big a risk for me.    There are jerks, who consider sexual dissatisfaction as a sufficient reason to end a relationship.    The friendship with an ex is a red flag for this.     

My mindmate offers me a symmetrical relationship as a result of his innate monogamy.   For him, I am as important as a person as he is for me.  His wish for physical intimacy derives from his own priority of wanting a companion for emotional and intellectual intimacy.   This is inseparable from his respecting me as an equal partner and as a person.  
He does not get infatuated with a mere body in defiance or oblivion of the woman's brain and personality.   For him, physical intimacy is also the symbolic bond of establishing commitment.  From then on he feels innately bound by the obligations of commitment.
He has no contact with any of his exes.   For him, women can be acquaintances, but there is a clear distinction between this and the bond of the combination of intellectual, emotional and physical intimacy.  For him, not cheating includes also not emotionally cheating.  

1.4. Gullibility or skepticism

The dealbreaker: Gullibility and credulity make people consider claims or appearances for true without any doubt. Since there is no doubt, there is no need for evidence, for verification. Gullibility in combination with strong wishful thinking due to a need, especially to reduce fear, can create beliefs and delusions strong enough to compel to very irrational actions. When there are such compulsions, the partner has no chance to discuss the matters rationally, but has to suffer the impact of the irrational actions. 
When people believe in a god, astrology, dowsing, homeopathy and such, this usually leads at least to wasting the couple's common resources of time, effort, money, if there is not worse and more direct damage. This includes also beliefs in the form of entitlement and grandiosity delusions, or the delusion of male superiority, that would make someone dominate me.
In short, such a believer is immune to be influenced by any attempts to protect myself by constructive communication.   Being with such a man is a high risk of being harmed.

My mindmate
is an atheist, apistic, rational and a skeptic. He makes no claims without giving me evidence, he does not demand me to believe anything without convincing me. He has no beliefs to force the consequences thereof upon me.  He does not demand trust, he knows that trust is the calculated probability of trustworthy behavior in the future as a consequence of all his behavior in the past.
He can talk rationally about every conflict with no exception.

5. Other serious lack of self-control.

The dealbreaker:
All addictions bad enough to be beyond control. That includes serious overeating with the result of obesity.  
My mindmate is rational enough to know, that self-control is important.   Obesity is detrimental to the health and makes him unattractive to most women, so he controls his eating.  He can limit indulgences to moderation.   
My mindmate is more an Epicurean than a hedonist.  I prefer the man, who does not struggle against temptations, because he is not tempted due to not being attracted to the tempting stimulus.   A man, who is by instinct attracted to other women's bodies, but who has the moral strength and willpower to never cheat, deserves admiration for the strength of his character.   But he still is a risk causing alerts and stress.  Nobody can know with certainly, if he will always be strong enough to withstand the temptation.   
Only a man, who is predominantly attracted to my brain and who does not notice other women's bodies is really someone, with whom I can feel at ease, relaxed and safe.   

2.  The Meaning Of Commitment And Marriage

Legal marriage is merely a signature in the townhall, that has legal consequences, but it has no influence on how a man treats a woman.   A man can be either a considerate, caring and responsible egalitarian partner or a cruel jerk, this is entirely independent from the difference between legal marriage and cohabitation.    
Legal marriage does not create emotional commitment.    Legal marriage in the absence of emotional commitment can be very detrimental.  If legal marriage can protect women at all, it is only against financial disaster, but it is no protection against being hurt.    In this case, it instead impedes immediate appropriate reactions.   Therefore, for two persons from the same country or the EU, legal marriage is obsolete.
The important step is consciously entering commitment as a mental change of the identity. It transforms a single person into perceiving himself as half of a couple, as part of a unit. The two partners form a special kind of ingroup against the world around as the outgroup, independently of their legal status.   Life is a struggle against inclemencies.  The partners in an ERCP-relationship can create a safe haven, where both partners can feel relaxed, secure and sharing an emotional home supplying support for each other.   

The meaning of such commitment and the behavioral dealbreakers are extensively described in many of the following posts of this blog.   The purpose of this blog is to find a partner as a wise choice.   That means especially to notice all dealbreakers before making the mistake of getting involved with the wrong man and getting hurt as a consequence of the mistake.     

Updated on December 17, 2011