I am a woman born 1949 and my quest is to find a mindmate
to grow old together as a mutually devoted couple
in a relationship based upon the
egalitarian rational commitment paradigm
bonded by intrinsic commitment
as each other's safe haven and secure basis.

The purpose of this blog is to enable the right man
to recognize us as reciprocal mindmates and
to encourage him to contact me:

The entries directly concerning,
who could be my mindmate,
are mainly at the beginning.
If this is your predominant interest,
I suggest to read this blog in the same order
as it was written, following the numbers.

I am German, therefore my English is sometimes faulty.

Maybe you have stumbled upon this blog not as a potential match.
Please wait a short moment before zapping.

Do you know anybody, who could be my mindmate?
Your neighbour, brother, uncle, cousin, colleague, friend?
If so, please tell him to look at this blog.
While you have no reason to do this for me,
a stranger, maybe you can make someone happy, for whom you care.

Do you have your own webpage or blog,
which someone like my mindmate to be found probably reads?
If so, please mention my quest and add a link to this blog.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

99. Mutual Priority

Mutual Priority

In the Mindmate Check List I asked:

Is living and spending time together your priority for the rest of your life?   Will your partner be the most important person in the world for you?

Feedback about this shows me, that it needs a bit of clarification.   I am trying to find someone, who is like me and who has the same needs as I have.   What is natural to a hypoanimalistic man, who like me is sensitive enough to create a deep bond of exclusivity, is incomprehensible to promiscuous men and to people with a particle's identity.  

The priority of living and spending time together means, that I prefer to find someone, who shares many interests and hobbies with me, so that doing them together is an important part of our lives.   It does not mean, that I expect someone to share activities with me, that he does not enjoy, just to please me, nor is it the other way around.   If he has an interest or hobby, that I am not interested in, then I just keep out of it.   Also of course when two people want to have a continuing interchange of learning by discussing books, they need time alone  to read them and to reflect about them.   24 hours focusing attention on each other is certainly not a good idea.   But spending 24 hours together sharing breakfast, going for a swim, sharing a picnic, going to a museum, looking at the pictures and sharing impression, sharing dinner and then maybe each reading for a while is a perfect day for me, and I would neither miss other people nor anything else.
But if someone is leaving the house at 8 in the morning and comes back tired at 8 in the evening, then I ask myself, what benefit such a relationship would have for me.   The same, if someone is retired, but has an interest or hobby, that is so important to him, that he organizes his life around pursuing it, and the woman has to fit in. 
What I want is someone, for whom the priority of shared interests and shared activities is as important as it is for me, and who can restrict time apart upon agreement.

The partner being the most important person also comes natural, when an hypoanimalistic man enters a deep bond of exclusivity.   The partners are each other's best friend with a clear difference to all other persons being considerably less important. Ties to the family of origin are of course an exception.   It is my task to be agreeable to a partners family and not to attempt to get between them. 
Friends are common friends, the partner is never excluded from any social contact, except when the partner has no own wish to participate.    Any contact or friendship with another woman, that has private content, of which I am excluded, is emotional cheating.   If a previous female friend refuses to include me fully into the friendship, then it is the friend to yield, not me being emotionally cheated upon.    And of course a sensitive hypoanimalistic man would not even consider to continue contact with deactivated intimate partners.    That is the realm of the desensitized promiscuous guys.   
Again, this is not a condition to fulfil as a price in an extrinsic commitment, but a natural consequence of intrinsic commitment.   If some promiscuous man feels it natural to have emotional polygyny, he is doing, what is good for him, he is just not suitable for me.    The suitable man for me has not wish or need to have onesided women friends, only common friends.

This does not mean that I am a control freak or insecure, as I have been accused.   This is just a question of the quality of the relationship.   When I know, that a man is indeed hypoanimalistic and bonded in a way, that he is not interested in any contact with other women, then I have no reason to be jealous or control, what he does.   In an extrinsic commitment, a woman has to be alert all the time, if the man does, what he has promised against his inclinations.  
Therefore I really attempt to make sure not to get trapped into extrinsic commitment and a relationship, that is not good enough, but to really get the intrinsic commitment, that I deserve, because the partner gets the same from me.