I am a woman born 1949 and my quest is to find a mindmate
to grow old together as a mutually devoted couple
in a relationship based upon the
egalitarian rational commitment paradigm
bonded by intrinsic commitment
as each other's safe haven and secure basis.

The purpose of this blog is to enable the right man
to recognize us as reciprocal mindmates and
to encourage him to contact me:

The entries directly concerning,
who could be my mindmate,
are mainly at the beginning.
If this is your predominant interest,
I suggest to read this blog in the same order
as it was written, following the numbers.

I am German, therefore my English is sometimes faulty.

Maybe you have stumbled upon this blog not as a potential match.
Please wait a short moment before zapping.

Do you know anybody, who could be my mindmate?
Your neighbour, brother, uncle, cousin, colleague, friend?
If so, please tell him to look at this blog.
While you have no reason to do this for me,
a stranger, maybe you can make someone happy, for whom you care.

Do you have your own webpage or blog,
which someone like my mindmate to be found probably reads?
If so, please mention my quest and add a link to this blog.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

114. Immature Bonding-Disability and the Attachment Theory

Immature Bonding-Disability and the Attachment Theory

So far, I have been describing my own definition of the kind of relationship and the kind of man, whom I am looking for as a mindmate, and I have just started to describe the kind of men, who are not suitable for me. 

I have been and am still assuming, that the ability to feel intrinsic commitment as a mutually devoted couple is something, that starts with maturity and can be destroyed by several kinds of behavior. 

This is not in contradiction with some scientific text, that I found googling, but it is also not confirmed, so it remains still my personal assumption. 

There are several attachment theories, distinguishing between attachment styles.   It seems, that my ideal of a devoted couple bonded by intrinsic commitment would correspond to having secure attachment on the emotional level. 

There is also a theory describing on the behavioral level three areas of bonding behavior or motivation for behavior: attachment, caring and sex.   My use of the expression 'combined emotional, intellectual and physical intimacy was meaning something similar, if not the same, even though I omitted to directly mention caring considering this as a part of commitment.  

Only the importance of the absence of promiscuity and of entanglement with previous intimate partners is not mentioned in any of what I have read.   Maybe most of the scientists behind those theories are themselves promiscuous men and thus blind to what is important to at least some women.

Therefore, in the framework of those theories, the deficiencies of the non-psychopathic, immature bonding-disabled man as described in entry 113, can be described as lacking the ability for secure attachment, and being only loosely or not getting attached at all, his caring limited to rudimentary physical caring, he gets fully involved only physically.    

I like this description, which is a quote from :
".... (a) a target for proximity seeking; (b) a source of protection, comfort, support, and relief in times of need (“safe haven”); and (c) a “secure base,” encouraging the individual pursue his or her goals in a safe relational context [....] These three functions are mainly found in long-lasting, highly committed romantic relationships."
This quote expresses, what so far I did not express well enough, that I want a relationship to be emotionally a safe haven and a secure base for each other.