I am a woman born 1949 and my quest is to find a mindmate
to grow old together as a mutually devoted couple
in a relationship based upon the
egalitarian rational commitment paradigm
bonded by intrinsic commitment
as each other's safe haven and secure basis.

The purpose of this blog is to enable the right man
to recognize us as reciprocal mindmates and
to encourage him to contact me:

The entries directly concerning,
who could be my mindmate,
are mainly at the beginning.
If this is your predominant interest,
I suggest to read this blog in the same order
as it was written, following the numbers.

I am German, therefore my English is sometimes faulty.

Maybe you have stumbled upon this blog not as a potential match.
Please wait a short moment before zapping.

Do you know anybody, who could be my mindmate?
Your neighbour, brother, uncle, cousin, colleague, friend?
If so, please tell him to look at this blog.
While you have no reason to do this for me,
a stranger, maybe you can make someone happy, for whom you care.

Do you have your own webpage or blog,
which someone like my mindmate to be found probably reads?
If so, please mention my quest and add a link to this blog.

Monday, September 20, 2010

79. Thoughts on Cheating

Thoughts on Cheating

This is a continuation of entry 76 and also related to entries 47 and 48

Cheating is breaking the agreement of exclusivity, on which two persons base the justification for entering and maintaining an intimate relationship.   (Persons, who copulate like dogs without any mental or emotional justification to do so are below the scope of my considerations.)

In any polygamous system, where exclusivity is not a part of the agreement, logically there is no cheating.    In polygyny the man demands onesided exclusivity from the women.    If such a woman then reacts with also getting involved with another man, this cannot be called cheating, but the woman's getting equality and justice for herself.  

The definitions of cheating are as different as are the definitions of the practical monogamy of breeders (in this entry including wanna-be-breeders) and of true emotional monogamy of hypoanimalistic individuals.

In practical monogamy, cheating is simply the breaking of the accepted obligation of physical exclusivity with the actual partner.   Nothing else is considered as cheating.   

But in true, emotional monogamy, based upon the ERCP, cheating is a much more complex problem.   By definition, this form of monogamy means to be attached by a unique, special, exclusive bond of the combined physical, emotional and intellectual intimacy.    Cheating is getting engaged in the same profound and close intimacy in one of the three elements with another person of the partner's gender, without having first ended the bond by ending all contact.  
This of course excludes the emotional ties, that someone has been born into, with the family of origin, and it excludes professional closeness with co-workers in the same intellectual realm.   But in true emotional monogamy, the emotional and intellectual intimacy with the partner is noticeably closer than that with friends.     

Cheating is felt as pain by the partner, feeling that pain is called jealousy.   For healthy, decent people without double standards, their jealousy is in sync with their perception of monogamy.  

Breeders may well accept emotional polygyny or even be not much affected by cheating.   Hypoanimalistic people may well feel a lot more pain by perceiving a lot more behavior as cheating.  

Many times people are accused of pathological jealousy.   In reality, pathological jealousy as a mental dysfunction is rare, the attribution is mostly the consequence of a mismatch.   Behavior, that is normal for a breeder, like continuing the friendship with a previous partner or having close emotional friendships with persons of the gender of the partner, can be extremely painful to a hypoanimalistic person, who defines the same behavior as cheating and would never do it.

Cheating is cruel and inconsiderate equally by both, by the one, who is partnered, and by the one, who knowingly participates.   

Cheating breeders are driven by instinct to cheat, whenever this has an advantage for the survival of their genes.   
Hypoanimalistic people have little inclination to cheat, as it is contrary to their own needs and value system.  

A hypoanimalistic person with self-esteem would never share a partner with someone else, and respects other people's relationship as taboo.    I am one of them.   
When I get into contact with a man, who has a partner, then she was there first, and I will not interfere.   Even if he wants to leave her any way, I am not the person to be even indirectly the cause of her suffering.   
Also I do not want to start any kind of friendly contact with him.   I do not know, where her personal limit is to feel emotionally cheated.   
Since I am looking for my mindmate, and since I will not even consider to take someone away from an existing relationship, any contact with a man, who is not free, is wasting my time.  
I perceive other women's men just not as men, but as half couples with one part invisible.   I recoil emotionally, because the invisible other half is present all the time.      

When a breeder informs me, that he is, from his own perspective, still friends with at least one previous intimate partner, I perceive him as not available, he is still another woman's man.    The other woman was first, and logically I would be the intruder and the one participating in cheating.   He may call her a friend, but to me he is still in a relationship with her.   When a man is still friends with more than one previous partner, then he is really the partner of the first and emotionally cheating with the others.   
As a description, I called it emotional compound polygyny in entry 76, but when seen from the social norm of practical and legal monogamy, it is cheating.