quest


I am a woman of 64 and my quest is to find a mindmate
to grow old together as a mutually devoted couple
in a relationship based upon the
egalitarian rational commitment paradigm
bonded by intrinsic commitment
as each other's safe haven and secure basis.

The purpose of this blog is to enable the right man
to recognize us as reciprocal mindmates and
to encourage him to contact me:
marulaki@hotmail.com


The entries directly concerning,
who could be my mindmate,
are mainly at the beginning.
If this is your predominant interest,
I suggest to read this blog in the same order
as it was written, following the numbers.

I am German, therefore my English is sometimes faulty.

Maybe you have stumbled upon this blog not as a potential match.
Please wait a short moment before zapping.

Do you know anybody, who could be my mindmate?
Your neighbour, brother, uncle, cousin, colleague, friend?
If so, please tell him to look at this blog.
While you have no reason to do this for me,
a stranger, maybe you can make someone happy, for whom you care.

Do you have your own webpage or blog,
which someone like my mindmate to be found probably reads?
If so, please mention my quest and add a link to this blog.


Demisexuality

Demisexuality

I have been aware, that my repugnance against being perceived by men as a body to be used makes me different from the majority of people, who seem not to share my sensitivity to this, who do not mind, who are not aware or in denial.    
Putting a lot of emphasis on a relationship concept of carefully choosing a mindmate before getting attracted to seal the bond by adding physical intimacy after having created intellectual and emotional intimacy first is a concept, which has a name: Demisexuality.  

I have been demisexual long before having heard of this word.   
Demisexuals are asexuals who only experience secondary sexual attraction to people they know personally, usually based on some kind of emotional connection, whether platonic or romantic. They can’t feel sexually attracted to strangers, celebrities, or people they don’t very well. So demisexuality is all about sexual attraction, just like asexuality is all about the lack of sexual attraction.
http://outlawroad.tumblr.com/post/10265976595/gray-asexuality

More information:
http://www.asexuality.org/wiki/index.php?title=Demisexual

I have been speculating in general, how needs and urges or the absence thereof determine people's conscious attitudes.  Without knowing the word 'demisexual', I had derived this concept rationally from what I experienced as my needs.


1.  Quality Time

When two partners do not work, either temporarily during vacation or after retirement, they can spend a lot of time together.   At my age of 62, I am only working few hours and the men in my age group are also close to retirement if not already there.   Therefore the choice of a mate is rationally the choice to find someone suitable to get the most reciprocal benefits from what can be shared and enjoyed together.  

A day has 24 hours, of which it can be assumed that not more than about half are used for sleeping, eating, household chores and other routine occupations.   Depending on the strength of the instinctive urges and the novelty of the relationship, a couple may spend on average between an hour daily and an hour weekly indulging in bed activities.    This is between less than 10% and less than 1% of the time available to spend together.    Choosing a mate with only the focus upon the physical and performance suitability appears absurd and ludicrous.   A wise choice of a mate is someone, with whom the 90% or even 99% of shared time outside the bed is quality time and not just redundancy between sessions in bed.  

Anybody reading this blog can easily get aware, that I offer an intellectually interesting life to a mindmate. Affectionate cuddling and holding hands adds emotional intimacy to the intellectual intimacy.   Someone, who shares with me the introspection of our innermost feelings, who shares communication about movies, music, exhibitions, traveling, books, will never be bored but enjoy quality time with me.   Even my profiles on dating sites clearly indicate, that I can offer all the benefits of a brain for any man, who values and offers intellectual intimacy.    

2.  Sexual Frugality
Epicurus is quoted to have said, that it is not important, what one eats, but with whom one eats.   When two partners share frugality and are not interested to indulge in luxury food, this food frugality is accepted as a choice.   But the analogous sexual frugality of being content with the maintenance of homeostasis and focusing upon the importance of the quality time spent together with an intellectually interesting person is not equally accepted.   Food and sexual frugality are both part of a truly Epicurean lifestyle.    
Therefore for an intellectual, wise and mature man, sexuality is an unimportant but natural part of a relationship, just as food is needed to stay alive.   For the purpose of merely maintaining homeostasis there is no need of sexual attraction as a criterion for choosing a mate.   When a man is content with homeostasis, he also has no ambition or challenge to strife to add physical benefits, which his partner is not interested in.     He fulfills the emotional needs, that she has.

3.  The Bell Curve Of Libido
Both by social norm and by men's ambitions, the importance of sexuality is overestimated in comparison with the biological facts.  

I assume the strength of the libido to be distributed along two bell curves, one female and one male.   Those men with a strong drive have set the social norm leading to the oversexation and desensitization of society, and this has as the consequence the primacy of men's infatuation with women's bodies over a more rational and mature choice of a personality.  
Unfortunately, the men with a low drive do not accept themselves as being predisposed to be valuable mindmates and nice guys available for monogamous commitment and for sharing the combination of emotional, intellectual and only thirdly also physical intimacy.   
Instead they are hidden due to feeling insufficient and by considering their hyposexual tendencies as a medical problem to be cured with pills.  Otherwise they resolve the discrepancy by defining themselves as asexual.   This is more often than not a kind of defiance and resignation and not a positive choice.  They prefer to be bluntly asexual instead of living in the fear of failure. They are like the fox in Aesop's fable, who declares the grapes as sour, because they are out of reach.   They reject sexuality by pretending it to be of no value for them. 

4.  Demisexual woman looking for a demisexual man.  
I am demisexual, but I am neither asexual nor antisexual.   Sexuality is one of many forms of expressing affection and tenderness as a part of monogamous committed bonding.   I offer to a man all the homeostasis he needs, as long as he fulfills in return my emotional need to be appreciated and respected as a person based upon a conscious choice of my personality and my intellect. 

I resent both, being rejected and being chosen by my looks.   Both are equally an expression of disrespect for my personality and my brain.    It is frustrating to send a picture and be told, that I am not to the man's taste.   But when I write a long email along with a picture, and the man replies, that the picture was the best part of the email, this is just as frustrating.     

Finding a demisexual partner is a difficult task.  Either men define themselves as asexuals, but I am not, once I feel appreciated and respected as a person.  Or even the interesting intellectual men focus primarily on choosing a mate by her looks as if sexuality is the only or primary purpose of a relationship.    

There are so few men, who are able to consider sexuality as a integrated but insignificant part of a relationship.  There are so few men, who can share Epicurean sexual frugality.   
Then there is the additionally difficulty, that many men do not even understand, what I want and what I offer.

The concept of demisexuality should become not only better known, but also accepted as a very appropriate option for all humans, who identify as intelligent, cultivated and educated and not just as bodies.