I am a woman born 1949 and my quest is to find a mindmate
to grow old together as a mutually devoted couple
in a relationship based upon the
egalitarian rational commitment paradigm
bonded by intrinsic commitment
as each other's safe haven and secure basis.

The purpose of this blog is to enable the right man
to recognize us as reciprocal mindmates and
to encourage him to contact me:

The entries directly concerning,
who could be my mindmate,
are mainly at the beginning.
If this is your predominant interest,
I suggest to read this blog in the same order
as it was written, following the numbers.

I am German, therefore my English is sometimes faulty.

Maybe you have stumbled upon this blog not as a potential match.
Please wait a short moment before zapping.

Do you know anybody, who could be my mindmate?
Your neighbour, brother, uncle, cousin, colleague, friend?
If so, please tell him to look at this blog.
While you have no reason to do this for me,
a stranger, maybe you can make someone happy, for whom you care.

Do you have your own webpage or blog,
which someone like my mindmate to be found probably reads?
If so, please mention my quest and add a link to this blog.

Saturday, November 13, 2010

153. Fighting


I am not made to fight or to compete.    Fighting exhausts and depletes me, no matter, how justified my reasons for fighting were.    Even when winning, in the end, the emotional price of suffering the hostility is too high.   Unfortunately, fighting against hostile people cannot always be avoided, it is a part of survival.   

Therefore I need a relationship to be the safe haven, where I do not need to fight at all, where the exchange is based on giving and not on fighting to get, where the principle is caring.  A relationship should be a safe heaven to regain strength for the fighting with the rest of the world.   If I cannot feel safe, then a relationship has no value for me.

Therefore a partner, who uses pressure and coercion to get his own needs and whims out of me, destroys the value of the relationship and it is more stress than being alone. 

There are conflicts in every relationship.   But two egalitarian persons can cooperate to solve a conflict rationally, by communicating and finding a fair solution.   

Fighting is the attempt to gain power.    Fighting solves a conflict in favor of the more ruthless person, who is more brutal and less civilized in the choice of his methods and who has less of a conscience.    I could have the most logical reasons, the best evidence to find a fair solution, but if someone uses anger, aggression, rage, wrath to intimidate and dominate me, he can succeed to get away with anything, no matter how ludicrous and irrational it is. 

When a man converts a relationship into a power struggle, where the woman has only the choice to submit to his dominance and get harmed or to deplete herself by resisting and also get harmed, then such a man is a jerk and a moron.  
He is a jerk for harming her.   He is a moron, because he lacks the intelligence to solve conflicts by rational methods and is not able to do anything better than intimidate her.   

I can think of several explanations, why a man converts a relationship into a power struggle for his dominance.
1.   He could be so brainwashed as a macho, that he considers this as normal behavior.
2.   His ability of using logic and rationality in a discussion is insufficient for constructive communication.  
3.   He uses power to enforce his entitlement delusion, because there is no way to rationally convince anybody of really being entitled to privileges.  
4.   He trusts nobody and believes, that he cannot ever get a fair deal without usurping it by power.

My mindmate is someone, who is capable to use his brain to solve conflicts and does not fight for power.
Anybody, who fights to get power over me, is detrimental to me.    I can only protect myself by avoiding such people.