I am a woman born 1949 and my quest is to find a mindmate
to grow old together as a mutually devoted couple
in a relationship based upon the
egalitarian rational commitment paradigm
bonded by intrinsic commitment
as each other's safe haven and secure basis.

The purpose of this blog is to enable the right man
to recognize us as reciprocal mindmates and
to encourage him to contact me:

The entries directly concerning,
who could be my mindmate,
are mainly at the beginning.
If this is your predominant interest,
I suggest to read this blog in the same order
as it was written, following the numbers.

I am German, therefore my English is sometimes faulty.

Maybe you have stumbled upon this blog not as a potential match.
Please wait a short moment before zapping.

Do you know anybody, who could be my mindmate?
Your neighbour, brother, uncle, cousin, colleague, friend?
If so, please tell him to look at this blog.
While you have no reason to do this for me,
a stranger, maybe you can make someone happy, for whom you care.

Do you have your own webpage or blog,
which someone like my mindmate to be found probably reads?
If so, please mention my quest and add a link to this blog.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

134. The Jerk's Paradox

134.  The Jerk's Paradox

In entry 130 I explained the difference between a caring partner, who appreciates, whatever a caring woman voluntarily does for him, while a cruel jerk coerces her to serve his selfish advantages.   This can be further looked at with the view upon how it depletes or replenishes her willpower. 

Willpower is something that can get depleted, according to some research.

Unpleasant tasks use up the willpower, and the daily routine of doing chores is a drain of it for many people.   But a happy life with a caring partner is probably a very efficient way to replenish the willpower and preserve some kind of a homeostasis.
Therefore the caring, trusting, appreciating man can get easily, what he needs and wishes from a woman, who cares as much as she is cared for, because he maintains her capacity to care.    

But for the jerk, who uses intimidation and coercion to press his selfish needs out of a partner, this is very different.  The woman uses up all her willpower to resist the outrage, to protect herself, to survive without breaking down, to cope with the stress of being helplessly under the pressure of the jerk.   She needs a lot of willpower not to loose her own countenance and deteriorate her own situation by yelling and calling the jerk a jerk.  
That depletes her so much, that she looses any capability to comply with his coercion.    To do something, that she wishes not to do, but is resigned to do to avoid a threatened consequence, needs a lot of willpower.   When she has none left, she cannot do it.  
"Coping with stress, regulating negative affect, and resisting temptations require self-control, and after such self-control efforts, subsequent attempts at self-control are more likely to fail. Continuous self-control efforts, such as vigilance, also degrade over time. ......  These decrements appear to be specific to behaviors that involve self-control;"

This has a paradoxical consequence.   The jerk believes, that domination and coercion are powerful instruments to achieve his goals.   In reality, these very instruments do the contrary, they impede him from getting anything.   The jerk applies all his outrageous hurtful treatment to get advantages from the woman, but he drives the woman away and in the end, he has nothing.   

A jerk, who would deplete me of my energies, is not suitable for me.