I am a woman born 1949 and my quest is to find a mindmate
to grow old together as a mutually devoted couple
in a relationship based upon the
egalitarian rational commitment paradigm
bonded by intrinsic commitment
as each other's safe haven and secure basis.

The purpose of this blog is to enable the right man
to recognize us as reciprocal mindmates and
to encourage him to contact me:

The entries directly concerning,
who could be my mindmate,
are mainly at the beginning.
If this is your predominant interest,
I suggest to read this blog in the same order
as it was written, following the numbers.

I am German, therefore my English is sometimes faulty.

Maybe you have stumbled upon this blog not as a potential match.
Please wait a short moment before zapping.

Do you know anybody, who could be my mindmate?
Your neighbour, brother, uncle, cousin, colleague, friend?
If so, please tell him to look at this blog.
While you have no reason to do this for me,
a stranger, maybe you can make someone happy, for whom you care.

Do you have your own webpage or blog,
which someone like my mindmate to be found probably reads?
If so, please mention my quest and add a link to this blog.

Monday, November 1, 2010

129. Caring Man or Jerk - 2

Caring Man or Jerk - 2

This is a responsibility test: 

Scenario:  A woman tells a man, that she feels hurt by his behavior.   She attempts to explain to him, what she has experienced.

1.  The dominating jerk refuses to listen.   He interrupts her after the first sentence, finishes, what he thinks she would say, but what is completely off reality, and then starts to monologue about a different topic.   If she makes the next attempt to be heard, he declares, that if she feels hurt, there is something wrong with her, that she has a flaw.  Logically, his behavior will never improve. 
2.  The unconcerned jerk stares at her with a blank expression on his face and with no reaction, while she explains her complaint in a monologue.   His behavior never changes, even if this futile session is repeated several times.   She feels as if talking to a statue, where the ears are only decoration, because there in no connection between the ears and the brain. 
2.1.  She withdraws in silence.  
2.2.  She starts very politely giving feedback about her own feelings.   With every experience of no reaction, her language gets more and more drastic, until in the end she looses her countenance and calls him and idiot, a jerk and such.   Then he has something to blame her for.   Also her use of talking changes.   Talking without a reaction makes her doubt, if she has expressed herself well enough.   She tries it with redundancy, she tells everything several times in several different ways, hoping that one way would get through.    In the end, she has reached the impression, that she is talking to a moron, and there are things, that he is unable to understand, no matter how hard she tries to phrase it in a way fit for his limited comprehension.  

Both jerks certainly do not care about her, and their lack of taking responsible may be only interpersonal cowardice or any additional problem.  They are not suitable.   If the woman makes that test, before getting involved, she better gets away as fast as she can run.   If she already is involved, the relationship is doomed, because it makes not much difference, if she looses respect for him as for a moral jerk or as for a moron.  

3.  The caring mature man, during the phase of growing attachment, while creating emotional and intellectual intimacy, communicates with her about the problem and is eager to learn, how not to hurt her again, as described in entry 128 as the procedure to repair a relationship.    Every conflict about something, that she perceives as a transgression, is not only solved by constructive communication, thus restoring equality by earning forgiveness and forgiving.   They also agree upon general guidelines of acceptable behavior.   This helps to prevent not only a repetition of the exact same transgression, but also to prevent similar conflicts.

4.   The caring benevolent, maybe still immature man, may sometimes not understand immediately, why she is hurt, and therefore he may feel irritated and insecure, how to behave.   But caring for her wellbeing is his main goal.   Therefore he accepts, that whenever he does not know, what to do, he temporarily allows her to guide him and tell him, how she wants and needs to be treated and what she expects from him.   He is motivated to follow her advice.   This buys them time without disruptive and destructive transgressions.   While she feels treated well, they have time to learn and grow, until he understands her better and does not need her guidance anymore, having learned to guide himself.  Someone, who makes even the sacrifice to accept guidance for the more important purpose of not hurting the woman, has great moral qualities.   

The mature man, for whom caring means being responsible, is the best choice for a woman, who wants to be bonded with intrinsic commitment.  
The caring benevolent man may need a lot of patience, and he may do unpleasant things once in a while, but he is worth the patience.   
There is a fundamental difference between someone, who hurts in spite of his ardent wish not to hurt, and someone, who hurts, because he just does not care.