I am a woman born 1949 and my quest is to find a mindmate
to grow old together as a mutually devoted couple
in a relationship based upon the
egalitarian rational commitment paradigm
bonded by intrinsic commitment
as each other's safe haven and secure basis.

The purpose of this blog is to enable the right man
to recognize us as reciprocal mindmates and
to encourage him to contact me:

The entries directly concerning,
who could be my mindmate,
are mainly at the beginning.
If this is your predominant interest,
I suggest to read this blog in the same order
as it was written, following the numbers.

I am German, therefore my English is sometimes faulty.

Maybe you have stumbled upon this blog not as a potential match.
Please wait a short moment before zapping.

Do you know anybody, who could be my mindmate?
Your neighbour, brother, uncle, cousin, colleague, friend?
If so, please tell him to look at this blog.
While you have no reason to do this for me,
a stranger, maybe you can make someone happy, for whom you care.

Do you have your own webpage or blog,
which someone like my mindmate to be found probably reads?
If so, please mention my quest and add a link to this blog.

Saturday, November 27, 2010

163. Nagging or Communication

Nagging or Communication

Without profound, rational, constructive communication, there is no chance for a couple to have a bonded, deep, lasting happy relationship.  
Communication alone is of course no guarantee for a happy relationship, but the absence of communication is nearly the guarantee for failure.  

Happiness in a committed relationship requires, that both feel to be treated in a fair exchange of giving and receiving by a caring partner.   It needs the trust to be treated with fairness.   It needs the absence of any fighting, it needs the absence of having to fend off the other's domination, intimidation, coercion and hurting in self-defence.  

There is only one method to reach this.    That is discussing every issue, every conflict, until there is an agreement, that is to both rationally convincing to be fair and to be the best way to handle the situation.    Some difficult issues may need dozens, even hundreds of hours of talking about.   In this case, those hours are a requirement to preserve the relationship, that is indispensable. 

Unfortunately, while some people enjoy deep communication about their relationship, their introspections, their feedback to each other's behavior, their dynamics of interaction, their feelings for each other, other people feel very uncomfortable and do everything to avoid it.  
If there are issues, or rather, when there are issues that need to be solved by a lot of talking, and one partner refuses to communicate, then this will ultimately destroy the relationship.

Nagging is a consequence of unresolved issues, when one partner refuses to communicate and to solve it.    There are two varieties of what can happen between person A, the avoiding one and person C, who wants to communicate:

1.  Person A makes a demand of person C, but expects compliance without convincing C in a discussion, that the demand is rationally justified and fair.    A refuses to discuss the issue, therefore C refuses to comply with the demand.    A feels entitled to get the demand fulfilled, and starts to put pressure on C, by whatever methods of nagging, that are available, anger, intimidation, annoyance.   But C feels justified to say no, because A refuses to convince.   C is aware, that nagging will be reinforced and rewarded, if C allows herself to be nagged until she submits.   Therefore for C, after having said no once, it is necessary to stick to it, and to resist all nagging.    A is welcome to discuss the matter rationally, but not to nag her into submission.   Therefore this leads to a lot of nagging and unpleasantness.   

2.  Person A has done something hurtful to C, or C would want to get something from A but by convincing him, that it is fair or in the interest of the couple.   C wants to communicate with A, but A refuses.    C starts to feel under inner pressure, stress, pain, urges because of all the unsolved issues, and the more piles up inside her, the less she can control herself from attempting again and again to start finally talking about all.   She starts to nag him to communicate with the same desperate attempt as a fly bumping again and again against the window pane.    This also deteriorates the relationship.

Therefore a relationship is doomed, when one partner has a burning desire to solve all issues by communication, and the other has a strong desire to obstruct and refuse this communication.

I consider it a basic requirement in a relationship to convince, to allow to be convinced and to never make any demand without convincing.   If they cannot convince each other, even by hours of talking, then they are just not compatible and should not have got involved.

My mindmate is someone, who enjoys deep communication, and for whom every minute of communicating is a valuable and vital part of the life of a committed couple and never unpleasant.