I am a woman born 1949 and my quest is to find a mindmate
to grow old together as a mutually devoted couple
in a relationship based upon the
egalitarian rational commitment paradigm
bonded by intrinsic commitment
as each other's safe haven and secure basis.

The purpose of this blog is to enable the right man
to recognize us as reciprocal mindmates and
to encourage him to contact me:

The entries directly concerning,
who could be my mindmate,
are mainly at the beginning.
If this is your predominant interest,
I suggest to read this blog in the same order
as it was written, following the numbers.

I am German, therefore my English is sometimes faulty.

Maybe you have stumbled upon this blog not as a potential match.
Please wait a short moment before zapping.

Do you know anybody, who could be my mindmate?
Your neighbour, brother, uncle, cousin, colleague, friend?
If so, please tell him to look at this blog.
While you have no reason to do this for me,
a stranger, maybe you can make someone happy, for whom you care.

Do you have your own webpage or blog,
which someone like my mindmate to be found probably reads?
If so, please mention my quest and add a link to this blog.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

130. Caring Man or Jerk - 3

Caring Man or Jerk - 3

This is the selfish or caring test:

A man feels a need or a wish.   Fulfilling it has an impact upon his partner.   Either by using common resources or by the requirement of her doing something.  

1.  The jerk decides in a solitary decision, what he wants to do and to be done and how he want his wish or need fulfilled.   He has the entitlement delusion, that it is her function or duty to serve all his needs and wishes.   

1.1.  The dominant jerk enforces his solitary decision with all the detrimental consequences as described in entry 126.   As far as he has the power, he just does, what he wants.   When he wants her to do something, he demands her to do it as a boss, who demands a service from his underling.   If she hesitates, protests or resists, he intimidates her with anger and outbursts of rage, and uses this as a pressure to coerce her.  

1.2.  The cruel dominant jerk ruthlessly uses the power, that he has.   In a relationship, the one, who loves less, cares less and is less morally bound by commitment, has automatically power over the other.   The cruel jerk dumps her once out of the blue, or if she is stupid enough to take him back, he repeats it, until she finally perceives his dumping as good riddance.    Dumping her creates a mighty weapon for him.    His intimidating anger is backed up by the implicit threat of being dumped again, if she does not submit to his demands.   He has no need to explicitly threaten her with redumping.   The experience of the first time is enough to make her never forget, what he is capable of doing.  

1.3.  The stupid jerk tries a different method to get, what he feels entitled to, when she disagrees.   He annoys her with nagging and even begging, hoping that she would finally do it just to get her peace from being nerved.  

2.  The caring and trusting man who feels bonded in an intrinsic commitment tells his partner, what need and wish he feels.    But he does not consider himself entitled to get anything from her.  

2.1.  If the circumstances allow it, if there is not time pressure, then he does nothing more.   A caring partner feels joy in doing something for her partner by her own decision, as an expression of love.   Caring is voluntarily doing, what is not demanded or coerced.  Caring for the other is doing, what is not a duty or an obligation, that has been agreed on by entering commitment. A bonded partner in a mutually devoted couple feels not entitled to get anything from her, he takes nothing of what she does for granted.   Instead he appreciates every voluntary act for him as an expression of care.   He gives her a chance to care for him.   He pleases her by allowing her to care for him.   He enjoys caring for her, so he knows, how important it is to have the option to care by a free decision.

2.2.  In all other cases, he suggests a way to handle his need or wish, and he asks, what she suggests.  With the combined skills and information, together they find the best solution.   That means a solution, that is rationally convincing to both as being the best solution.    He takes nothing for granted, but appreciates, that he gets his needs or wishes fulfilled, and she appreciates that she can contribute to it as a cooperating partner.   As he approaches her with an open mind as to how the issue is handled, he allows her to supply creative ideas and skills, that he might not even have thought of.  

It is obvious, that a jerk, who threatens her with rages and with dumping for selfish advantages, kills her love and drives her away.   The annoying jerks drives her away too.  Making demands without even honoring her with a rational discussion of how to handle the problem adds to the nuisance of his entitlement delusion.  
Such jerks are just not suitable for me. 

I am looking for a mindmate, who is able to live in a balance of giving and receiving based on caring for each other without any feeling of entitlement, without taking anything for granted, without making demands, but in the trust of the other's caring.