I am a woman born 1949 and my quest is to find a mindmate
to grow old together as a mutually devoted couple
in a relationship based upon the
egalitarian rational commitment paradigm
bonded by intrinsic commitment
as each other's safe haven and secure basis.

The purpose of this blog is to enable the right man
to recognize us as reciprocal mindmates and
to encourage him to contact me:

The entries directly concerning,
who could be my mindmate,
are mainly at the beginning.
If this is your predominant interest,
I suggest to read this blog in the same order
as it was written, following the numbers.

I am German, therefore my English is sometimes faulty.

Maybe you have stumbled upon this blog not as a potential match.
Please wait a short moment before zapping.

Do you know anybody, who could be my mindmate?
Your neighbour, brother, uncle, cousin, colleague, friend?
If so, please tell him to look at this blog.
While you have no reason to do this for me,
a stranger, maybe you can make someone happy, for whom you care.

Do you have your own webpage or blog,
which someone like my mindmate to be found probably reads?
If so, please mention my quest and add a link to this blog.

Monday, October 25, 2010

120. The Delusions of Immature Men

The Delusions of Immature Men

When someone has a delusion, people not sharing this delusion experience themselves as outside a wall around the delusion-afflicted mind.   Every rational challenge to the delusion bounces off from that wall.   The delusion protects itself successfully.   Information reinforces the delusion gets in, rational arguments against it do not.   Else it would not be a delusion.
With rare exceptions, the only cure for a delusion is a strong experience, that forces the truth upon the mind against all defences and resistance.  

When someone gives homeopathic water to the dog, and the dog gets better by coincidence, this enhances the delusion, that there is a healing difference between homeopathic water and tap water.    When someone prays, and by coincidence the wished for event happens, this enhances the delusion, that there is a deity answering prayers.  
Skeptic people can waste a lot of time in the attempt to logically debunk such delusions, it is rarely successful.   They can influence the ignorant and mislead people, but not those with a delusion.   Only if someone gives homeopathic water to a sick person, or prays for the healing, or both, and the person dies in spite of it, then this can sometimes shake up the delusion.

I have called the previously described varieties of the immature bonding-disability a disability in full awareness of the meaning of this word.   Because there is one disabling flaw in this immature attitude to a woman.    That flaw consists of any combination of four delusions.  

The first delusion of an immature man is the one, that whenever he wants something, he is entitled to have it, and if there are obstacles in taking possession of it, that is bad luck, injustice or a world full of enemies denying him his rights.  Those obstacles are always outside his own person, he never doubts his entitlement.  Even though he accepts the requirement to pay money for what he cannot get for free, he feels entitled to acquire, what he wants, as soon as he decides to pay money for it.   Any personal sacrifices to earn something are beyond his horizon.

Nobody buying an item or taking a gift home wonders, if the object wants to be bought or taken.   When in traditional societies women were sold or slaves were made concubines, to many of their buyers and masters it also probably never ever occurred to wonder, if the woman or slave wanted to be sold.  
In the times of equal rights, wanting control over a woman is not the same as being entitled to have her.   Someone, who confounds this, has a delusion, that disables him to have a relationship.   Yet such an immature man either never considers the possibility, that a healthy woman would not want him, or he automatically believes, that when he wants a woman, she automatically wants him too.  

Getting involved in a relationship is a two-sided process.   Wanting a relationship with someone because of being attracted, infatuated, feeling any kind of love and expecting benefits and advantages is futile without reciprocity.   When a reasonable and mature man wants a woman as a partner, his task is not to take possession of her, but to be wanted in return.   He has to start with the full awareness, that she does not automatically want him, but that it is his task to make her want him.  
If he wants to win her in an honest and decent way for a long-term relationship, he has to achieve this on two levels, emotionally and rationally.  This means treating her in a way, that makes her feel better with him than without him, and convincing her, that her life with him will be more beneficial than without him for a long time to come.  

The second delusion of an immature man is his belief, that he knows, how to make a woman want him.  He has a simple concept of a prototype woman, and what makes such a woman feel good and what is beneficial for her.   He has a kind of instruction manual for handling people in his head, and how to treat a woman in several situations are like chapters from that book.  
But the manual focuses on what to do to get which benefits and advantages.   The page with the instruction, how to care for a woman's emotional wellbeing, seems to be missing.
Therefore he thinks that by behaving accordingly, he automatically acquires possession of her, or that this justifies his entitlement to gain possession of her.   He is oblivious of the fact, that women are individuals and very different.   What makes one woman feel good, may well hurt another.  

The mature man finds out, how to treat a specific woman by asking her, how she wants to be treated and by listening carefully to her answers, explanations and her feedback.  This way he gains knowledge, what makes her feel good and is beneficial for her, and what hurts and damages her.   Based on this knowledge, he has two options: 
- He considers himself capable to treat her like she wants and needs to be treated, and he is willing to attempt and to learn to do it as his contribution to a healthy relationship.
- He either knows, that he cannot treat her like that, or that the personal sacrifice in doing so would be more than the benefits, he expects to get from her.  Then he acknowledges, that they are not suitable for each other.  

The mature man knows, that the woman only experiences him as suitable, if he treats her as she wants to be treated, and he considers a woman as suitable only, when he values her enough to be motivated to treat her as she wants to be treated.
The immature man is oblivious of this.   He wants her, even when they are not mutually suitable.

As a third delusion the immature man believes, that once he has acquired control and possession of a woman, she is his forever or as long as he wants her.  He is oblivious of the simple reality, that if he fails to treat her how she wants or needs to be treated, he either looses her or the benefits, for whom he had acquired her. 

A couple could have got involved based upon different premises due to a wrong evaluation of each other.     She could have accepted him by ignorance of his immaturity or of other reasons.    He could be treating her following his instruction manual, but in ignorance or defiance of her real needs.   As a consequence, when the relationship becomes toxic for her, her motivation to be with him changes.         

The mature man knows, that kindling her wish to be with him is a permanent task.   Here the second and third delusion are connected:     The mature man knows, that he looses her, when she subjectively feels treated badly and that therefore he needs to continue to check regularly from her feedback, how she feels treated.   He knows that her wish to be with him is not some mystical unconditional love, but a direct reaction to how she is treated.  

The immature man is unaware, that it depends upon his own behavior, if his possession one day vanishes or stops to be of any use for his needs.

The forth delusion of the immature man is his blind belief in his instruction manual, which means that if treated following the instructions, a healthy woman is supposed to be automatically happy with him.   Otherwise there is something wrong with her.   The delusion is his flawed logic:   The instructions are correct, therefore if the result is not satisfactory, then she is the problem.   The application of inappropriate instructions is an explanation, that just does not occur to him.  

Being afflicted with those delusions impedes a immature man to ever have a healthy relationship.   Most of the times he gets rejected before getting as far as entering a relationship, and usually he has no clue why.   When he does get involved and then the woman defines the relationship as toxic for her, he firmly believes, that this is the woman's flaw and defect.  

Being confronted with such delusions, a woman has no influence.   Whatever she says in disagreement with his delusions, just bounces off from his mind with no effect.   He believes in his perfectness and her flaws with the same delusion as a religious person believes in the existence of his deity.

A man, who has any of these delusions, is not suitable for me.