I am a woman born 1949 and my quest is to find a mindmate
to grow old together as a mutually devoted couple
in a relationship based upon the
egalitarian rational commitment paradigm
bonded by intrinsic commitment
as each other's safe haven and secure basis.

The purpose of this blog is to enable the right man
to recognize us as reciprocal mindmates and
to encourage him to contact me:

The entries directly concerning,
who could be my mindmate,
are mainly at the beginning.
If this is your predominant interest,
I suggest to read this blog in the same order
as it was written, following the numbers.

I am German, therefore my English is sometimes faulty.

Maybe you have stumbled upon this blog not as a potential match.
Please wait a short moment before zapping.

Do you know anybody, who could be my mindmate?
Your neighbour, brother, uncle, cousin, colleague, friend?
If so, please tell him to look at this blog.
While you have no reason to do this for me,
a stranger, maybe you can make someone happy, for whom you care.

Do you have your own webpage or blog,
which someone like my mindmate to be found probably reads?
If so, please mention my quest and add a link to this blog.

Friday, October 29, 2010

125. Out-Of-Place-Behavior With a Partner

Out-Of-Place-Behavior With a Partner

This continues entry 123.

When a woman gets hurt by toxic behavior because of her premature onesided bonding, this can be due to her getting involved with an unsuitable man afflicted with immature bonding-disability, like I have already described some varieties of.

There is a difference between an attitude and behavior.   Considering, perceiving and treating a woman for example like a dog with benefits or like a source for narcissistic supply is an attitude, that is toxic, deviant and preposterous.   
Some very hurtful behaviors can also be a consequence of this behavior being out of place in a relationship.    That means, the behavior itself is not generally unhealthy, toxic or weird.    It can be wise, reasonable and appropriate in some limited circumstances and situations.    But it is toxic in a committed relationship.   
For every set of such non-commitment behavior, that is out-of-place in a relationship, there is a complementary set of commitment behaviors and there are situations and circumstances, where it is appropriate.  

A man, who does not feel bonded and committed, treats the woman the same way as he treats any other person, with whom he has no special ties or is related in a less close relationship.   For him, this is logical and appropriate.    It is just not, what the woman expects.

There are different cases:
1.  It is the similar to case 1 in entry 123.   He knows both sets of behavior and when to apply which.   He has just not yet entered intrinsic commitment, so he considers his behavior subjectively as correct, while it is toxic for the woman.
2.  He only knows the non-commitment behavior, he has never learned commitment-behavior.    One very common reason can be the influences of the surrounding society or subculture, that prescribes, how to treat a woman in a way, that is very different from what the woman needs and expects.   Some men get so brainwashed, that they never have a clue, what they do to the women.  

This is another example of the hen or egg question about a man, whose behavior with a partner is non-committed and therefore out of place:  
Is a man bonding-disabled and can no woman ever become more special to him than anybody else?   Can he therefore never learn mature commitment behavior and attitudes and when to apply them?  
Is he ignorant, that mature bonded people treat a partner differently from any other person, and has this ignorance impeded him to learn appropriate behavior even while being involved in a relationship?    Has his lack of knowing appropriate behavior caused him destroy every relationship, before he could experience, what it means to feel bonded?

Examples of behavior, that may be appropriate under limited conditions, but is unsuitable in a committed relationship, will follow in future entries, together with an explanation, how that behavior destroys the relationship.