I am a woman born 1949 and my quest is to find a mindmate
to grow old together as a mutually devoted couple
in a relationship based upon the
egalitarian rational commitment paradigm
bonded by intrinsic commitment
as each other's safe haven and secure basis.

The purpose of this blog is to enable the right man
to recognize us as reciprocal mindmates and
to encourage him to contact me:

The entries directly concerning,
who could be my mindmate,
are mainly at the beginning.
If this is your predominant interest,
I suggest to read this blog in the same order
as it was written, following the numbers.

I am German, therefore my English is sometimes faulty.

Maybe you have stumbled upon this blog not as a potential match.
Please wait a short moment before zapping.

Do you know anybody, who could be my mindmate?
Your neighbour, brother, uncle, cousin, colleague, friend?
If so, please tell him to look at this blog.
While you have no reason to do this for me,
a stranger, maybe you can make someone happy, for whom you care.

Do you have your own webpage or blog,
which someone like my mindmate to be found probably reads?
If so, please mention my quest and add a link to this blog.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

194. Valued Partner or Lab Rat?

Valued Partner or Lab Rat?

1.  Knowing each other

To grow together in closeness and become a bonded, devoted and committed couple requires, that both know each other very well.    Based upon mutual appreciation and respect, they learn to know each other by asking questions, by listening to the answers and to all introspection, that is given without hesitation.    When their mutual understanding and evaluation over time is consistent with the experienced behavior, then trust, trustworthiness, reliability and predictability can grow and the relationship will become a safe haven.    Their method to know each other is communication.

A jerk is too bonding-disabled to participate in such a process.   For him, a woman is an inferior being with a limited mind and brain, whom he studies as Skinner studied his lab rats.   Skinner studied lab rats, the jerk studies a dog with benefits, as I have already described in entry 30.   
Knowing the woman to him means to observe her reactions, that he triggers for that purpose.   He probes her, he provokes her, he does anything to her, that he expects to lead to a reaction.    He does not listen to her feedback or her introspection, because he does not value them.   
He misses vital parts of her personality, all her values, attitudes, emotions and how she perceives and experiences him and his way of treating her.   He misses everything, that goes on in her mind, that cannot be observed.
With selective perception, he does not observe all, that is important, only what he likes to get aware to enhance his preconception and prejudices. 
Observed behavior allows many interpretations, and his are biased to what he wants to observe and to believe.
His bias is his wish to justify using her as a utility for his own benefits without any consideration and without having to bother about her needs.  
By not verifying his believes and delusions about her in direct communication, the longer he builds up his subjective impressions, the more distorted they get.  

This way, he will never know, who and how the woman really is.   He will never be able to treat her the way she needs to be treated to be happy with him.

2.  Treating each other

In entry 190 I gave the example of an embarrassing public scene.    The caring bonded guy does not want to hurt his partner by embarrassing her.    He would not only stop talking, when his partner whispers a reminder in his ear, he would also be motivated to learn, what causes her to feel embarrassed, and he would then attempt to avoid doing it, before she even says anything.   He cares for her feelings.  

The jerk is different.   He feels entitled to do and to get, what he wants, without consideration for others.   If his behavior is embarrassing her, he experiences her feedback as a nuisance, and he perceives himself as justified to do some dog training to remodel her.   Instead of stopping the embarrassing behavior as an act of consideration, he repeats it as often and as drastically as he can, for the purpose and expecting that by doing this he could habituate and desensitize her, until she would stop annoying him with her protest against his behavior.  He considers himself to be the one to set the standard of behavior.    When he does not feel embarrassed, then he automatically believes, that there is no reason for her to feel embarrassed.    The purpose of his drastic dog training is making her feel flawed because of feeling embarrassed.  
Instead of changing his behavior as an expression of caring for her, he attempts to change her with no consideration for her sufferings.

The caring couple communicates to adapt to each other, taking the other's emotional wellbeing into consideration.
The jerk considers a woman as some kind of raw material, that he can form, mold and emotionally mutilate by any means, no matter how cruel and malicious, until she is the utility fitting his needs perfectly.  
I do not want such a jerk, he is a nightmare for a woman like me.