I am a woman born 1949 and my quest is to find a mindmate
to grow old together as a mutually devoted couple
in a relationship based upon the
egalitarian rational commitment paradigm
bonded by intrinsic commitment
as each other's safe haven and secure basis.

The purpose of this blog is to enable the right man
to recognize us as reciprocal mindmates and
to encourage him to contact me:

The entries directly concerning,
who could be my mindmate,
are mainly at the beginning.
If this is your predominant interest,
I suggest to read this blog in the same order
as it was written, following the numbers.

I am German, therefore my English is sometimes faulty.

Maybe you have stumbled upon this blog not as a potential match.
Please wait a short moment before zapping.

Do you know anybody, who could be my mindmate?
Your neighbour, brother, uncle, cousin, colleague, friend?
If so, please tell him to look at this blog.
While you have no reason to do this for me,
a stranger, maybe you can make someone happy, for whom you care.

Do you have your own webpage or blog,
which someone like my mindmate to be found probably reads?
If so, please mention my quest and add a link to this blog.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

190. Helplessness or Influence

Helplessness or Influence

I need a relationship to be a safe haven, and a safe haven to me is an emotional shelter, where I am never made to feel as helpless as a leaf in an autumn storm.    Situations, where others force unpleasant events upon people, are a part of life and often they cannot be avoided.   Therefore it is of paramount importance to keep the helplessness of being coerced out of a relationship.    I need influence on everything, that happens to me as part of a relationship.   

Influence is not domination nor is it control over the other, influence is not onesided but reciprocal, it means being allowed to participate in shared decisions on how to handle issues. 
Influence means, that what a partner does to me is inside the limits of a fair balance of giving and receiving, it means, that inside these limits all I have to do is tell, what I need and what hurts and disturbs me, and the other acts in consideration.   Influence means, that I do not have to defend myself against outrageous domination, that I am not pulled into a power struggle nor that I need to fend off coercions.

Influence means, that there is a considerate reaction, whenever I ask someone to do something or to stop or to refrain from doing something. 
The considerate reaction can be to just comply or to find an agreement for the issue by constructive communication.    Compliance means the motivation to comply, even if forgetting it sometimes.    Not reacting is denying influence.

There are two major ways, how a man can make a woman feel helpless by denying her any influence on his behavior: 
1.  By disrespect and not taking her for serious, by disregarding and ignoring her wish, not reacting just as if she had not said anything.  
2.  By behaving like a child with ODD (Oppositional Defiance Disorder), that means by doing deliberately the exact contrary of what she asked for. 

1.  In entry 133 I already gave the example of the correspondent, who sent me a dozen emails full of gibberish from a translator in spite of my protest.    With a bit of the benefit of doubt, this can be defined as a non-malignant case of the man being so pleased with the translator as a toy, that he disregarded my advice and my annoyance with the gibberish, and it was only an act of disrespect and of taking me not serious enough.  
Influence would have meant, that telling him just once not to send me gibberish from the translator would have sufficed to make him stop doing it. 

2.  This example is more drastic.   A couple sits in a bus, where several people are sitting near enough to overhear their entire conversation.   At some moment, the woman gets aware, that the conversation is getting a bit too private for others to be allowed to listen. 
She therefore whispers a warning in his ear and she expects the man to postpone further discussion of private matters, until they are alone.    A decent and mature man would comply immediately.    This is the kind of influence, that I wish to have in a relationship.  
But the jerk with the adult version of ODD reacts to her discreet whispering by protesting, that nobody listens, loud enough to draw attention.   When she repeats her whispered suggestion to be quiet with some more urgency, his reply, that they were not talking about anything private, is again loud enough to be heard by everyone. 
After a few more repetitions of such sequences everybody stares at a very embarrassed woman and it has become a public scene.    Such a guy is not just a jerk, he is a cruel and malignant jerk with some psychopathic tendencies.    He uses the power of the circumstances to get her into the helpless situation of either being driven into a public scene or having her private matters discussed on front of strangers.  

A relationship with such a jerk would be a nightmare.   My mindmate will be someone, who concedes me influence on how he treats me, who protects our privacy and who avoids embarrassment and public scenes.    
I described in entry 178 the importance to spend an engagement phase together before getting involved.    During that time I want to find out, if the man allows me to influence him to change his behavior, whenever I feel hurt.    If I cannot influence him, then there will be no relationship.