I am a woman born 1949 and my quest is to find a mindmate
to grow old together as a mutually devoted couple
in a relationship based upon the
egalitarian rational commitment paradigm
bonded by intrinsic commitment
as each other's safe haven and secure basis.

The purpose of this blog is to enable the right man
to recognize us as reciprocal mindmates and
to encourage him to contact me:

The entries directly concerning,
who could be my mindmate,
are mainly at the beginning.
If this is your predominant interest,
I suggest to read this blog in the same order
as it was written, following the numbers.

I am German, therefore my English is sometimes faulty.

Maybe you have stumbled upon this blog not as a potential match.
Please wait a short moment before zapping.

Do you know anybody, who could be my mindmate?
Your neighbour, brother, uncle, cousin, colleague, friend?
If so, please tell him to look at this blog.
While you have no reason to do this for me,
a stranger, maybe you can make someone happy, for whom you care.

Do you have your own webpage or blog,
which someone like my mindmate to be found probably reads?
If so, please mention my quest and add a link to this blog.

Friday, April 5, 2013

650. Independence And Interdependence

650.  Independence And Interdependence

Sometimes I am reading in men's profile their expressed wish to find an INDEPENDENT woman.    After some pondering I have come to the conclusion, that this is a huge red flag, because quite often it can mean something very different from what a woman herself would consider as being independent.   

Logically, dependence cannot be evaluated by probing only one person, instead dependence concerns at least two entities, of which one depends upon the other.   Absolute independence would mean, that there were no dependence whatsoever of no other entity.   
But to survive, humans do depend upon resources and usually also on other humans supplying such resources.   Any need creates a form of dependence upon the source of fulfillment, the stronger the need, the stronger the dependence.   

As therefore there cannot be absolute independence, all independence is partial and defined by the absence of the dependence upon a specified entity.    Calling oneself independent can mean a wide variety of even contradictory things.   A man wanting an independent woman and independence as a part of a woman's identity can be not only different but mutually exclusive.   

Personally, I as a woman value in both genders independent thinking, independence from social norms and especially the independence from being determined by instinctive urges.  

But I suspect, that a man preferring an independent woman means something very different.   He expects from such a woman the convenience of not being bothered by her with any relationship needs to be fulfilled by him.  He expect to be allowed to use her body without giving her anything in return.   
Not giving what is not wanted nor needed is subjectively for him very different from denying a woman to fulfill her expressed needs.   Independence understood this way allows him to use her body without any reason for having a bad conscience.   His imagines an independent woman as one, who is an animal like himself, not needing, wanting or demanding emotional attachment, cohabitation, a safe haven, bonding. 

This is a consequence of the biological differences between the genders in the situation of coping with being singles.    Singles organize the provision for their needs as well as possible by a network of many sources.   
  • Emotional needs of both genders are fulfilled by the family of origin, by the own children, by close friends and buddies.   
  • Intellectual needs of both genders are fulfilled at work, by educational institutions, in hobby groups and with colleagues.   
  • Physical needs are asymmetrical.  Many female singles are content with their sources for emotional and intellectual needs and they do not miss the physical interactions with a man.   But many men are driven by their recurrent sexual dishomeostasis to need a female body, while all other needs are met.  
The worst male animals do not hesitate to pay for the abuse of prostitutes or to behave as alley dogs abusing any female body they can lure into bed.    
The more decent, mature and considerate ones consciously want to refrain from any such abuse.   They are willing to get involved in an exclusive long-term relationship with one woman.  As all their non-physical needs are already cared for, this leads to an imbalance of giving and taking.  Having only physical needs, nothing else a woman offers has any value or attraction for them.  Fulfilling a woman's needs is therefore perceived as a price and a sacrifice, which do not supply sufficient benefits.   Men in such a situation wish for independent women, who need and want nothing from them yet appear content to maintain these men's homeostasis.  

A female body is easily replaced, a man's mere physiological needs do not suffice for the stability and durability of a relationship.    A relationship is fragile, as long as a man's entire human cognitive needs are fulfilled elsewhere, while only the animal in him needs the woman.   

A relationship, which is a reliable and trustworthy safe haven for a woman, requires a balanced mutual and reciprocal interdependence, the stronger the better.    Interdependence between two humans develops, when also the man enters the relationship with unfulfilled cognitive, emotional and intellectual needs and when he chooses his partner for her individual personal suitability for these needs.    Interdependence then means, that both partners need each other as unique sources for a wide variety of aspects of wellbeing and that they are fully aware, that the other is not easily replaced.    Under such circumstances, interdependence is not experienced as a burden, but as a beneficial arrangement for both partners.  

Interdependence has two aspects.  
One is the mutual enhancement of the joy of any shared activity.   The other is the reciprocal fulfillment of each other's onesided individual needs.   
All those joys, which are gender-neutral and cognitive, can be mutual as is for example the visit to a museum and the exchange of thoughts and impressions   
But where there are biological differences, it is reciprocal concerning different needs.    Keeping one emotionally attached partner in homeostasis is a fair deal, when he in return protects her against the dishomeostasis of all other men, who as predators would otherwise attempt to abuse her body.    
As I really like traveling, this is a good example of the balanced giving and receiving of very disparate needs.  Traveling alone means for a woman the unavoidable stress of permanent vigilance, recurrent fear and hazardous situations.   Traveling with a partner makes it a relaxed and safe joy.    The reciprocity of homeostasis in return for secure traveling is a very beneficial deal for both partners.