I am a woman born 1949 and my quest is to find a mindmate
to grow old together as a mutually devoted couple
in a relationship based upon the
egalitarian rational commitment paradigm
bonded by intrinsic commitment
as each other's safe haven and secure basis.

The purpose of this blog is to enable the right man
to recognize us as reciprocal mindmates and
to encourage him to contact me:

The entries directly concerning,
who could be my mindmate,
are mainly at the beginning.
If this is your predominant interest,
I suggest to read this blog in the same order
as it was written, following the numbers.

I am German, therefore my English is sometimes faulty.

Maybe you have stumbled upon this blog not as a potential match.
Please wait a short moment before zapping.

Do you know anybody, who could be my mindmate?
Your neighbour, brother, uncle, cousin, colleague, friend?
If so, please tell him to look at this blog.
While you have no reason to do this for me,
a stranger, maybe you can make someone happy, for whom you care.

Do you have your own webpage or blog,
which someone like my mindmate to be found probably reads?
If so, please mention my quest and add a link to this blog.

Thursday, September 8, 2011

391. The Definition Of A Jerk

391.  The Definition Of A Jerk

A jerk is a man,
  • whose behavior or attitude causes a woman harm, pain, discomfort, annoyance
  • who does this because he has some serious personality problem
  • who is in denial, that he has such a problem
  • who reacts with defiance to feedback about his behavior
  • who attributes the woman's disapproval of and reaction to his behavior as her problem

A man is not a jerk,
  • who takes responsibility for harm, pain, discomfort and annoyance caused by him
  • who is realistic about his own personality problems
  • who acknowledges to need the support of a partner
  • who is motivated to find out from her, how the woman needs to be treated
  • who follows her advice and guidance when needed  

If a man experiences failure due to his personal problems and reacts as compensation with the narcissistic entitlement and grandiosity delusion, then a woman experiences him as a jerk, no matter how miserable he feels himself.    A relationship with such a jerk is toxic for a woman, and there is nothing, that she can do to improve the situation.   His narcissistic strategy enables him to reduce his own sufferings by making the woman suffer instead.   As long as he can reduce his own pain by this method, he has no motivation to change himself.      His reactive narcissism is a logical relief for him, but a deterrent for a bonded relationship.    Having compassion for a jerk is not a reason to expose oneself to toxic behavior. 

Fixing someone is certainly not a role that would attract me to a relationship.    But being the victim of a jerk in a toxic relationship is even worse.   Therefore I am willing to support someone, who wants to fix himself as his contribution to prevent hurting me.    
But I think, that men in my age group should have learned their lesson and have grown mature.   Who at this age is still a jerk will most probably die as a jerk.    Unfortunately many of those jerks, who have not learned how to treat a woman, have learned during a lifetime to hide their troubles and their being jerks.    
The real issue is not so much to offer my support to who would want and need it, but to spot the red flags and avoid the hidden jerks in the disguise of a mindmate.