I am a woman born 1949 and my quest is to find a mindmate
to grow old together as a mutually devoted couple
in a relationship based upon the
egalitarian rational commitment paradigm
bonded by intrinsic commitment
as each other's safe haven and secure basis.

The purpose of this blog is to enable the right man
to recognize us as reciprocal mindmates and
to encourage him to contact me:

The entries directly concerning,
who could be my mindmate,
are mainly at the beginning.
If this is your predominant interest,
I suggest to read this blog in the same order
as it was written, following the numbers.

I am German, therefore my English is sometimes faulty.

Maybe you have stumbled upon this blog not as a potential match.
Please wait a short moment before zapping.

Do you know anybody, who could be my mindmate?
Your neighbour, brother, uncle, cousin, colleague, friend?
If so, please tell him to look at this blog.
While you have no reason to do this for me,
a stranger, maybe you can make someone happy, for whom you care.

Do you have your own webpage or blog,
which someone like my mindmate to be found probably reads?
If so, please mention my quest and add a link to this blog.

Monday, May 2, 2011

303. A Metaphor for the Relationship Deal

A Metaphor for the Relationship Deal

A sane and mature man planning to buy a car first decides, what kind of a car he needs, how much he needs it and how high a price it is worth for him personally to pay for having a car at all.   
Then he visits the car dealer and evaluates the cars as being worth the price demanded for them.   The prices are fixed.   (I am omitting that sometimes people can bargain for a few extras.  But no serious and correct car dealer sells a car for only a fraction of the price demanded at first.)
The mature man's decision, which car to buy, depends on how much he needs the car and which car he considers is worth the demanded price.  He may look around at all cars in the shop, and when a 4wD, that can run 300 km/h per hour looks very appealing on the outside, he may look at it and notice that it looks nice, but he does not even consider wanting it, because he has no need for it on the paved streets with speed limits, where he is going about.   

A moron walks into the car dealer's shop, sees a car, that looks nice to his taste, but it is a 4wD and can run 300 km/h.    The moron does not need such a car, because he always drives around a city on paved streets, where there is stop and go traffic and speed limits.   The car is offered for 10,000 units of their currency and the car is also expensive to drive, because it uses a lot of petrol.   
The moron does not even ask for the price, but demands to be sold the car for 1,000 units, because that is, how much value he would get from using the car.    The dealer points out to him, that there are many cars available for 1,000 units, but if he wants this one, he has to pay 10,000 units.    On the dealer's refusal, the moron starts to argue, that the car is a piece of garbage because of the high consumption of petrol, and the dealer should be grateful to him for be able to dispose of it for 1,000 units.   But the dealer is not impressed, because he owns the car, he evaluates its value and he decides to sell it or not and at what price.   When the moron starts a temper tantrum as if he is entitled to buy the car at his own price, the dealer starts to see him as a moron and more or less politely removes him from his shop.     

The emotional moron does the same, when he wants a relationshp.    He visits the relationship fairy, looks at her catalogue and gets infatuated with the looks of a woman.   She is intelligent, educated, cultured, ethical, a good companion for an epicurean.   She is of high emotional maintenance, she needs a lot of sharing innermost feelings, communication, rational shared decision, responsibility and consideration.    He wants a woman as a commodity for his predominently physical and hedonistic needs, her immaterial qualities are lost on him, he lacks the perception and awareness for them.        
This woman is available for the price of full intrinsic commitment, bonding, cherishing and devotion.    The emotional moron offers food, shelter, clothes and household appliances, because at that price he values the fulfilling of his hedonistic needs by any woman.    The fairy points out to him. that there are many materialistic and superficial women as commodities available for that price.   But if he wants this special and specific woman, he has to pay the full price of intrinsic commitment.    
On the fairy's refusal the emotional moron starts to argue, that this woman is seriously flawed because of the high maintenance by the required fulfilling her immaterial needs of a relationship being a safe haven, and the fairy should be grateful to him for helping her to get rid of such a woman for the material subsistence offered.
But the fairy is not impressed.   She has the woman under her protection, she evaluates her value and she decides, to whom to entrust her for an appropriate offer.   When the emotional moron starts a temper tantrum as if he were entitled to get control over that woman at his own price, the fairy starts to see him as an emotional moron and more or less politely removes him from her premises.     

Both, morons and emotional morons in my metaphor are pathetic.   They want something valuable, but refuse to pay an appropriate price, because they feel entitled to get it for what they are willing to pay.   But what they can really get for what they are willing to pay is not good enough and they reject it.    They want too much and they get nothing.