I am a woman born 1949 and my quest is to find a mindmate
to grow old together as a mutually devoted couple
in a relationship based upon the
egalitarian rational commitment paradigm
bonded by intrinsic commitment
as each other's safe haven and secure basis.

The purpose of this blog is to enable the right man
to recognize us as reciprocal mindmates and
to encourage him to contact me:

The entries directly concerning,
who could be my mindmate,
are mainly at the beginning.
If this is your predominant interest,
I suggest to read this blog in the same order
as it was written, following the numbers.

I am German, therefore my English is sometimes faulty.

Maybe you have stumbled upon this blog not as a potential match.
Please wait a short moment before zapping.

Do you know anybody, who could be my mindmate?
Your neighbour, brother, uncle, cousin, colleague, friend?
If so, please tell him to look at this blog.
While you have no reason to do this for me,
a stranger, maybe you can make someone happy, for whom you care.

Do you have your own webpage or blog,
which someone like my mindmate to be found probably reads?
If so, please mention my quest and add a link to this blog.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

309. The Control Freak's Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde Cycle

The Control Freak's Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde Cycle

In entry 285 I attempted to explain the abuse hoovering cycle, in which women experience, how a narcissist converts inexplicably from a nice Dr. Jekyll into a nasty Mr. Hyde by his oscillating between feeling uplifted by a valued woman and uplifting himself by devaluing a woman.  

But when the narcissist is a control freak driven by anxieties, there can also be a different explanation, especially for short term switches between the two personalities.    Dr. Jekyll can be nice and friendly, when he is in control or when he believes to be in control, his fears and panic temporarily being alleviated or numbed, so that he can feel relaxed. 

As soon as she innocently does something by her own initiative, this simple little proactivity is experienced by him as a serious indication, that he lacks the control he wants and needs.    When his fear overwhelms him again, from one moment to the next, he mutates into the nasty Mr. Hyde, who attempts to reestablish his control with any method that seems to promise success.   He rages at her, hollers at her, until she freezes in terror and intimidation.   As soon as she freezes or withdraws and seizes any proactivity, he believes to have regained control, and he calms down and again becomes Dr. Jekyll for a while.  

Most people like it, when someone does them a favor.   A favor is a deliberate act by choice and goodwill as a result of sympathy, appreciation, maybe affection.    As paradox as it seems, a control freak does not feel honored by favors, but provoked into another Dr. Jekyll session to reestablish control.   Because when doing a favor, someone is a proactive and under his own control. 
In the control freak's perception, favors are logically impossible.    If the favor is something of value for the control freak with an entitlement delusion, getting it is his due and nobody is supposed to have an own decision to deny or to grant it.    The control freak experiences a favor as getting something by having lost control, that he feels entitled to get and to have control too.     Therefore the control freak prefers coercion over receiving favors.