I am a woman born 1949 and my quest is to find a mindmate
to grow old together as a mutually devoted couple
in a relationship based upon the
egalitarian rational commitment paradigm
bonded by intrinsic commitment
as each other's safe haven and secure basis.

The purpose of this blog is to enable the right man
to recognize us as reciprocal mindmates and
to encourage him to contact me:

The entries directly concerning,
who could be my mindmate,
are mainly at the beginning.
If this is your predominant interest,
I suggest to read this blog in the same order
as it was written, following the numbers.

I am German, therefore my English is sometimes faulty.

Maybe you have stumbled upon this blog not as a potential match.
Please wait a short moment before zapping.

Do you know anybody, who could be my mindmate?
Your neighbour, brother, uncle, cousin, colleague, friend?
If so, please tell him to look at this blog.
While you have no reason to do this for me,
a stranger, maybe you can make someone happy, for whom you care.

Do you have your own webpage or blog,
which someone like my mindmate to be found probably reads?
If so, please mention my quest and add a link to this blog.

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

528. Commodification Logically Precludes Apologies

528.   Commodification Logically Precludes Apologies

The following article emphasizes the importance of apologies after transgressions:

"One hundred and four of 120 participants reported one or more wrongdoings by their partner over seven days, for a total of 278 offences spanning everything from hurt feelings to failed obligations. Apologies were given for just 30.94 per cent of reported transgressions."

"When apologies were offered, they predicted forgiveness only for men and women who were highly satisfied with their relationships. Those individuals were more likely to judge contrition as being sincere, and perceived sincerity predicted forgiveness."

"Notably, when an apology was absent in the current study, people in highly satisfied relationships were no more forgiving of an offence than those in less satisfied pairings. Wrongdoers only benefitted from having a healthy relationship when they expressed remorse for their missteps."

The implicit and indirect message of all apologies is the appreciation and respect for the partner.   By an apology, the transgressor recognizes, that the victim deserves to be treated better than s/he really was.   This essence of being considered as worthy of better treatment makes apologies so vital for the improvement of relationships after conflicts and transgressions.   The logical basis for apologies is the awareness of interacting with another human individual having an independent subjective perception.   

Commodification makes apologies illogical.  Nobody ever apologizes to a machine for damaging it by faulty use or neglecting required maintenance.   When a person is mistaken for a utility or commodity, the attitude is the same.  There may be regret concerning the own stupidity or carelessness of forfeiting the use of the machine, and the same reaction is also caused, when a commodified person gets dysfunctional.    

Commodification of the partner, especially the objectification of women's bodies by men, is the contrary of appreciation and respect for a partner's person.    Commodification means the subjective alleged entitlement to use the other at the own convenience.    When the man experiences the disagreeing women's unintended reaction to using her as a dysfunction, he does not perceive this as a transgression of his due to mistreating her.  Instead he perceives this as a mistake damaging himself by not achieving the desired use from his commodity.
After having caused damage by hitting a fence with his car, a man may get angry at himself for carelessly causing damage to his property.   He would not apologize to his car or to the fence.  

After having hurt a woman's feelings, a man considering her as a commodity would not apologize or even consider her subjective experience at all.   Instead he only notices, what to him is a faulty reaction to his treatment, whenever she refuses or is unable to serve him as he expects.  
He only sees her correct or faulty functioning for himself, he is oblivious of any consideration of her needs and her worthiness.  In his mind, everything he does is right, when he succeeds to fulfill his own needs while not getting his needs fulfilled, is doing something wrong to himself.    Logically for him, there is never a reason to apologize. 

As the full owner of an inanimate item, a man is entitled to use and modify the item or to throw it into the garbage at his convenience, because this does not cause any suffering.   
The fallacy of the commodification of another human being is the role ascribed to a commodity as if owing the acquiescence with everything done, no matter the harm.  Thus considering any behavior towards a commodity as a transgression appears subjectively illogical.  When a man commodifies a woman, he is oblivious of the difference between throwing an inanimate item into the garbage and the unacceptable harm done by abusing, mistreating, hurting and dumping a woman.     

For a man, who commodifies a woman, nothing he ever does can make him feel guilty of a transgression.   The only reason ever to change his behavior is the recognition of having caused the dysfunction of the commodity by stupid handling and the attempt to be improve the benefits.  

Attitudes are not visible.  To assess a man's genuine attitude towards her, a woman needs to infer it from his behavior, and apologies are a significant indicator.   
Sincere apologies followed by unmistakable efforts to change the behavior show a man's probable suitability as an egalitarian, responsible and considerate partner. 
The absence of apologies and of sufficient reactions to a woman's feedback of being hurt is a big red flag indicating commodification.