I am a woman born 1949 and my quest is to find a mindmate
to grow old together as a mutually devoted couple
in a relationship based upon the
egalitarian rational commitment paradigm
bonded by intrinsic commitment
as each other's safe haven and secure basis.

The purpose of this blog is to enable the right man
to recognize us as reciprocal mindmates and
to encourage him to contact me:

The entries directly concerning,
who could be my mindmate,
are mainly at the beginning.
If this is your predominant interest,
I suggest to read this blog in the same order
as it was written, following the numbers.

I am German, therefore my English is sometimes faulty.

Maybe you have stumbled upon this blog not as a potential match.
Please wait a short moment before zapping.

Do you know anybody, who could be my mindmate?
Your neighbour, brother, uncle, cousin, colleague, friend?
If so, please tell him to look at this blog.
While you have no reason to do this for me,
a stranger, maybe you can make someone happy, for whom you care.

Do you have your own webpage or blog,
which someone like my mindmate to be found probably reads?
If so, please mention my quest and add a link to this blog.

Saturday, January 21, 2012

482. The Dynamics Of Reciprocally Earning Happiness

The Dynamics Of Reciprocally Earning Happiness

This continues entry 477, where I explained happiness as a unique human experience enabled by cognition.  Happiness requires much more than physical homeostasis and physical stimulation of the pleasure center.    

A bonded committed couple interacts in the dynamic process of attempting to earn own happiness by making the other happy at the same time.    But the wish to make the partner happy does not imply, that this is an active person's onesided activity upon a passive target.   By itself, the mere wish to make the other happy is very important, but not sufficient to succeed.  

Nobody can make another person happy by considering this person as a kind of prototype to be treated by a script.   If for example a man thinks that spending money on a woman makes her automatically happy, this is not more than an urban legend.   The best intention and the strongest wish are lost and wasted, when the partner's true needs are ignored. 

Successful contribution to the partner's happiness is based upon knowledge and awareness.   Happiness is an emotion, and contributing to a partners happiness means to be concerned and informed about how the partner feels.    
If someone wishes to make a partner happy, this requires
  • to be aware of and informed about how the partner really feels, without being mislead by false beliefs how he should feel due to uninformed assumptions and projection.    Being informed is the result of communication, of asking and listening.
  • not only proactive behavior to make the partner feel good, but equally important is also the avoidance of all behavior, that makes the partner feel bad. 
  • full knowledge about the partner's emotional reactions to the own behavior.   It is a learning process to find out, what enhances the other's emotional wellbeing and what hurts the other.
  • verification concerning the effects of past behavior.   Attempting to please the partner is not enough, it is important to verify, if the partner really is pleased.   Verification enables improvement.
  • prevention of unwanted or futile intention and plans by consulting with the other before acting. 
  • absolute sincerity and honesty.   White lies, hiding true feelings and pretending can only temporarily avoid disruption, but the consequences impede growing happiness on a long term basis.     
Shared happiness is the result of cooperation and consulting.