I am a woman born 1949 and my quest is to find a mindmate
to grow old together as a mutually devoted couple
in a relationship based upon the
egalitarian rational commitment paradigm
bonded by intrinsic commitment
as each other's safe haven and secure basis.

The purpose of this blog is to enable the right man
to recognize us as reciprocal mindmates and
to encourage him to contact me:

The entries directly concerning,
who could be my mindmate,
are mainly at the beginning.
If this is your predominant interest,
I suggest to read this blog in the same order
as it was written, following the numbers.

I am German, therefore my English is sometimes faulty.

Maybe you have stumbled upon this blog not as a potential match.
Please wait a short moment before zapping.

Do you know anybody, who could be my mindmate?
Your neighbour, brother, uncle, cousin, colleague, friend?
If so, please tell him to look at this blog.
While you have no reason to do this for me,
a stranger, maybe you can make someone happy, for whom you care.

Do you have your own webpage or blog,
which someone like my mindmate to be found probably reads?
If so, please mention my quest and add a link to this blog.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

256. The Relationship Deal and the Reciprocally Wrong Currency

The Relationship Deal and the Reciprocally Wrong Currency

A viable and happy relationship is based upon a fair balance of giving and receiving.   That implies that both partners give and receive, what they mutually really need.   If one or both give, what they wrongly believe that the other wants or needs, this leads to disruption.    While one does not get, what s/he really needs, the giver perceives the receiver as ungrateful for not appreciating, what is of no value to her or him.  

As a consequence of biological differences, men and women have different needs in a relationship.  If they are not aware of this, they reciprocally project their own needs on the partner and then they are puzzled, when this does not have the expected result. 

It is biological fact, that the average man has a considerable higher physiological need for sexual homeostasis than the average woman.    
Lacking homeostasis disturbs men's functioning in their every day life occupations, it diminishes and even deactivates their full use of their reasoning capacity and their ability to focus on what they wish or need to do.    
Lacking homeostasis reduces even highly intelligent and cultivated men to mere animals. 
Lacking homeostasis derails their focus from intellectual pursuits of higher value to activities aiming at regaining homeostasis.  This need for homeostasis is so strong, that men are willing to pay for it.  

Of course, this is not the same for all men.   Like many other human traits, it is distributed along a bell curve on a scale from high needs (HN) to low needs (LN).    At one end, there are the men, for whom the need of homeostasis is extremely high, driving them to behavior very detrimental to themselves and their female victims.  At the other end are the asexual men, who are either not interested in women, or who want a woman as a true buddy, companion and committed mindmate.  
Men are physically stronger and dangerous as predators, who can force their will upon women.   Also men have used their greater physical strength to gain control over the access to means of survival.    As a result, many times women have no choice but to pay with their bodies for having one man's material providing and protection.  

What women expect in this deal is also distributed along a bell curve on a scale from material interests (MI) to non-material interests (NI).    At one end, there are the promiscuous women, who sell their bodies for money.   At the other end are the decent women, who are not at all interested in money, but who trade physical intimacy only in exchange for non-material benefits like commitment, bonding, intellectual and emotional closeness and a relationship as a safe haven. 

As long as a man and a woman have similar positions on the respective scale, they both get from the deal, what they want.   Else they are a mismatch.  

A predominantly LN man and predominantly MI woman are usually capable to mutually avoid each other, as they can easily get aware, that their needs cannot be fulfilled.    A man, who refuses to pay, and a woman, who wants to be paid, make no deal.

Real problems start, when a predominantly non-materially interested (PNI) woman gets involved with a predominantly high need for homeostasis (PHN) man.   In entry 255 I already explained, what she subjectively experiences.    When the man consciously takes advantage of the woman, then it is outright abuse and not a deal and therefore not in the scope of the topic of this entry.    If the PHN man is aware of the true needs of a PNI woman and knows, that he cannot give it to her, he can refrain from getting involved. 

Therefore the real problem are PHN men, who are bonding disabled either by immaturity or otherwise, and who therefore are not aware, that any woman would ever expect anything immaterial.  They enter a deal with a PNI woman by ignorance, willing to pay a fair price but in their own currency.  

Such a deal is tragically imbalanced.   The woman gives the man the sexual homeostasis, that he needs.    But he does not get committed and bonded.    She experiences this as only giving and not receiving anything in return, that has value for her. 
She projects her own needs for sharing and commitment, for caring for each other's emotional needs upon him.   When she offers him bonding and sharing, she makes the mistake of believing to offer him, what he would also want, need and appreciate.   She feels hurt and betrayed, when he does not bond.    She perceives giving him his needed homeostasis only as a secondary extra benefit, while she considers the bonding as her major offer.    She is not aware, how much he values his homeostasis, that it is the only benefit, that he wants from her, and that he is oblivious of anything else that she has to give.

As a PNI woman, she is capable to survive without being financially provided for, and when the man makes her gifts, invites her to expensive activities and offers her material benefits, this is meaningless to her.   Some men are even as dumb as projecting their physical needs on all women.   Such a man sincerely believes, that if he attempts to be a good stud by making enough effort in his physical performance, this were of such a value, that he would owe nothing else to the woman.   The PNI woman makes him the gift of his homeostasis, and he believes to be pleasing her.  
Whatever it is, that he believes to be giving to her, he expects her appreciation of the price, that he pays and that he subjectively considers as a fair.    Bus she cannot be grateful for what has no value for her.   Therefore he gets, what he wants, but he does not experience, that what he subjectively is giving, is received as a payment. 

This is therefore a really tragic constellation.    She fulfills her part of the deal, but does not get back, what she needs.   He gets his needs fulfilled, but is unable to give her, what she needs, while what he thinks to give is wasted, as it is not welcome.